done

There is nothing else to voice here.

There is no Breath with which to.

The stages gone through along this way have been, each of them, chronologically very lengthy.

There is no sense the current plane would not follow the same pattern.


Part of what Jesus did was parry and block.

Then it was time for His hands to come down.

And they did.

"There is a time to live and a time to die...a time to kill and a time to heal...a time to break down and a time to build up...a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to rend and a time to sew"

A time to publish and advance, and a time to relent.



I have no idea if there will be a time to speak again.

It's not now, and honestly I couldn't care less if there ever is.


If there is, it would be in a different place.

Another place was set up a while back, when resurrection seemed more.

It was set up fully public, not private or requiring permission. Yet it's realized some would not wish to view, and so the name isn't put here openly. It would be easily findable and accessible for any wishing to find it.

If it remains largely void, so be it. If something were to genesis, so be it.

The duration of stages is so unbelievably lethargic.

There are no promises besides.


Jesus had a new body upon resurrection. If resurrection were possible, so would I.

Goodbye.

death and burial

Have you ever watched someone die?

Not on television, not an instant death, but rather a death that occurred over time?

Do you remember what took place?

Do you remember the person slowly changing? Do you remember as the death took its grip, its toll, the withering which ate away at the person you had known?

As it got closer to the end, they just weren't themselves were they? The them you had always known, their personality, their goodness, their person--just wasn't the same, was it?

As death consumed, they became a shell of who they had been.

Remember the them who made you smile? Remember the them who was full of good things? Remember the them who gave you hope? the them who helped you? the them who loved you? the them who had life and light inside?

That wasn't them toward the end, was it?

Instead, toward the end, they mostly just lie there.

Instead of their normal personality, they were mostly motionlessness. Sometimes in silence. Sometimes with their mouth gaped open, their breath awkward and irregular as a look either of blankness or pain permeated their person.

They were beyond giving to you as they had once given, weren't they? Near the throes of death they were visibly unresponsive to your words, your love, your care.

It reached a point when you squeezed their hand they didn't squeeze back.

They couldn't squeeze back. In their heart and spirit they wished to. They did feel your squeeze, but death was so close and had them so weakened they couldn't do what their heart and spirit wished to do.

It reached a point where they tangibly gave nothing in return. There was no response to your voice, no response to your love, no response to your touches.

I long talked here about being in a season of winter in life. A season of bleakness. A season where there was no fruit.

At some point it was realized that it was not simply a season of winter going on, but rather a death taking place.

It is taking place no more.

This past June, and beyond, I pleaded Father to please end it. To end the death. To consummate it quickly, if it were possible.

He heard me.

He heard me, not because it was quick (in how we think of quick), but because I'm not dying anymore. The death is over.

What you have been reading since November here is someone who has passed from dying to burial. I have tasted firsthand what burial is.

Whatever I may have thought before now was burial, or being in a grave...no way. Not even. There was no way to even begin to fathom.

I know the death is over because I no longer have a spirit. Throughout my whole life, regardless of the expansion or deflation of my soul, I always had a spirit. There is no spirit now. And what you have read here in the past two months is someone who has no spirit. Someone who is buried. Not dying.

I can tell you firsthand, burial is unlike anything humanly imaginable. To be cognizantly aware of existence but without a spirit is...there's just no way to begin to describe.

As for the soul in burial? It's locked into one position, and one position only. I'll try to illustrate.

Every spring, American pro baseball players begin their season either in Florida or Arizona in what is called Spring Training. It's a precursor to the regular season, where they play exhibition games against other teams.

At a spring training game in 1997, a player named Robin Ventura was coming in to home plate during a game to try and score. It had rained either the previous night or that morning, causing what was normally dirt on the infield and around home plate to instead be muddy.

As Robin came in to score, he slid into home to avoid being tagged out. The cleats on his shoe caught firmly in the mud while the inertia and momentum of his running and body weight carried the rest of him forward.

His foot stuck in the mud? It turned sideways and backwards. Completely backwards, to where his toes were facing his chest. His foot and leg were in a V-shape, to where the outside of his foot was essentially touching his lower shin. His heel was pointed where his toes normally would be pointed.

But Robin's foot did not simply turn sideways and backwards for an instant and then turn back to regular position. His foot, rather, remained locked in the V position where his toes were facing...his face.

And that, friend, is the best I can do to describe the condition of the soul in burial. It is locked in one position--a position of gruesome, horrifying and searing grotesqueness, just as Robin Ventura's foot was locked in utter grotesqueness that spring day in 1997.

There's something else about burial. In burial there is, absolutely, no hope.

None. It is just simply, completely, dark.

There is no sun, and the darkness is so thorough that it causes incredible doubt that a sun even exists.

All the things people try to say ("Things will get better", "God is able...", "God can...", etc)? Flatline.

It doesn't matter how much you know God, how much you've walked with Him, how intimately you have heard and been led by the Holy Spirit, how much you've tasted Him or His power or the Life He can give. Those things have no pulse in burial.

Burial is absolute, utter separation: from life, Life and God.

None of the tangible tastings with Him, none of His goodness, none of His attributes, none of His promises, none of the past things He has intimately and personally said specifically, none of His anything, none of His nothing, none of it carries any weight in burial.

The verses and so forth in the bible do not cause any type of ebb or spark whatsoever in burial. This is because what's in the bible speaks to man's spirit. When you have given up your spirit, when your spirit is dead, those things do not cause any kind of blip.

It is so void and destitute that anything you have ever known about the idea of resurrection, honestly, in the mind and soul is indigestable to grasp. No matter how strong or solid your faith, burial vacuums any tastings of God. If you find yourself reading this finding that impossible to believe, I won't banter with you. All I can convey is the vivid, detailed descriptiveness of what it is here.

I have seen through this there is only one place God is not and cannot be. It is in burial.

It's scary. Scary because I'd never tasted this before. Not even remotely come close to imagining it. Any past imaginings, voicings or notions of being dead or in a grave? Ptthhht. Not even...And for someone who has seen a lot and isn't given to be surprised or scared, to say that it is scary is titanic.

For most of the past three years I have thought that the scale of pain in life went from 1 to 5, and I was continuously at 4 or 5 (with a couple of exceptions). In burial the pain scale goes to 8 billion, and there is no fluctuation. Your soul stays pegged at the top. Continuously.

The worst of this is I've never known what it is to exist without a spirit. Even in my most rebellious days against God I still had a spirit. There was still in my deepest core, despite what I was doing or living, a sense of Him.

There is no sense of Him in burial.

That's not an atheistic statement. It's not saying He isn't. It is simply the matter that He is in no form, in no way here. In burial not only are you beyond your own rope, there is likewise none of God's rope. Neither is any of His rope anywhere to be seen, not even within sight. And that is what scared me. For the first time ever...ever...not even a glimmer of the faintest kind whatsoever. Utter void and absence.

God is, but He is not in burial. (because He, Father, cannot be buried). Jesus was buried, but not God the Father.

Burial is being cognitively aware of some type of existence. But it is not life. It is not human existence, because it occurs without a spirit, without a heart, and with the soul locked.

The hollowness, the void. It's never been this. And so, yeah, the things which has been posted here? It took a bit to realize it, but I finally did realize that this was no longer dying. The death pleaded for was done. This was something else.

I can't bring myself to talk about what happened at the very end. What consummated the death.

I just can't.

All I can say is that I was in a winter, then dying, but not anymore.

And so realize something from having read these postings over time and from noticing the change. The turn. The degradation. The nosedive. The slipping. The cynicism. The pessimism. The deterioration.

You have witnessed a death. And just as those who become something other than themselves as death overtakes, so you have seen that here. The "that's not like him", the "what is this", the "oh my", the "I thought he was", the ugliness, the bitterness, the lack of response, the flinches to pain, the seizures, the darkness?

You have seen a death as it took place. And you have also seen glimpses of the utter blackness and hopelessness of burial.

And so I leave you with a picture. Just as the baseball story illustrates the condition of the soul in burial, so this picture partially illustrates what death and burial have been like. One's entire person charred and mangled beyond recognition, then turned inside out and exposed.

It's not pretty. It's gruesome, as life and Life have literally been sucked out, and all that remains near the end is an unresponsive, ugly shell.

During the season of death one said to me, "You will never be able to say that you were abandoned in this place. If you expect me to stand outside, I'll stand outside and wait. I have all the time and patience in the world and it will be well worth seeing you rise out of this death and emerge truly alive from this grave. You see, the women got to see the resurrected Christ first because they didn't run away as he was dying. They stayed through the blood and the beatings while everyone else ran away to hide. They didn't flee and neither shall I." And "I will be here until you are out of this hell. I love you and you have a friend for life...whether you want one or not."

They left.

The bible says Jesus' death was so thorough, so gruesome it made his form beyond recognition. That he couldn't be recognized as a human being.

I know now.

What it is for beating and death to disfigure.

In death I likewise became unrecognizable from who I once was. In more ways than one.

I don't recall

ever coming across anyone who has called any of you cowards, selfish or thoughtless.

Everyone's thoughts were drawn to certain things from that day.

Some to the planes. Some to the rescue personnel.

I was always drawn to you. The hundreds of you.

I have spent many hours through the years wondering what kinds of things went through your hearts, through your minds.

Each time I've thought of it the deepest core of me has been stirred beyond words. The swirl, the utter dichotomy, the indescribable tearing, the turmoil, the agony. Human expression can't even begin...

What ten thousand things raced through you?

What went through your stomach, your mind, your heart?

When you first realized that...?

Right before you...?

So convenient for outsiders to opine. To denigrate. To condemn and slough off.

They can't imagine.

I can.

You weren't cowards. Not pussies. Not self-centered. Not thoughtless.

Not those of you who had children. Not those of you who had someone you loved deeply and passionately. Not those of you who had nothing. Not those of you who had anything in between.

None of you.

I used to wonder what it was like to be you.

I don't wonder anymore.

Mark.

today

is the 23rd.

T minus and counting.

i hope You understand the difference between theoretical and tangible.

No mincing here.

NOTHING to lose. And You think that's a cliche.

There is nothing here. Inside or outside.

Get to it, p.J., otherwise You'll be calling up a stone.

There are more who know how to speak besides Jeremy.

the man in the suit

just couldn't wait
for the man in the suit

three loops down
and still going
since the days of the pretzel

the man in the suit
on his way
because of
and for

it was being kept under wraps

was gonna surprise...
longed to surprise
craved to surprise
the flower through ice

but the man in the suit
got a phone call

an unspoken message
about his suit
a blunt message
about the heart

I remember

I remember you, sir.

It was 1997.

I have never, ever forgotten you.

I have never forgotten what you said without saying a word.

Never forgotten.

I am now you, sir.

blood and ice

blood
so much
lost and flushing
not dripping
gushing

still alive
after losing
so much...
how on earth?

crevices
cracks
holes and seeping
gaping wounds
endless steeping

red river flowing
deluging
undertowing

ice

numbing

not just cutting
slicing
not just nipping
dicing

frozen meat
in an arctic freezer
the sharpest cleaver
as though blunt
does nothing

not just stinging
violently swinging
landing
upon its mark

golpes to the face
bludgeoned mutton
stunning concussions
wincing
gripping
flinching
now nothing

all gone

the cold hard truth
it doesn't matter
most particularly not to God

and so
because of this
there will soon be
one final act
of coldness

I will be God
for an instant
and all the coldness
will cease

instead of being
the one fucked
in this worthless shithole
I will be the one
who does the fucking

I will be the author
of ice and gales
and wind and hail
as I pin the tail

God has shown
His priorities--
more importantly,
His lack of them

I will
in a moment
show Him mine
and all will see
this rendition
of blood and ice

loud

clear

unequivocal

complete

then He and they
can ponder
what to do
with that blizzard

the lamb and the shepherd

Once upon a time there lived a lamb. The lamb was in many ways like other lambs, yet in other regards was different. The lamb grew up as lambs do, taking other lambs and the shepherds of the field as they were, because (of course) this was what the lamb knew. It didn't know any different than what had been around it.

And then, over time, something took place in the lamb. Somehow, and none of us really know how, the lamb was able to see its growings up and its surroundings in a different light, as they really were. This was a good thing, though some (perhaps even many) would not view this as so.

The lamb, who for so long had taken and accepted lambs and shepherds as they were, began to see that lambs and shepherds were not as they appeared to be. They were not as genuine as they gave themselves off to be. They were not as true as they thought themselves to be. They did not love as they proclaimed to love. The lamb saw that, sadly, love was a lip-service word which rolled off the tongues yet in reality had no sustenance with it.

The lamb took this all in, and as turns would have it became what many would say is skittish.

There also, in this same time, lived a shepherd. This shepherd was a good shepherd, yet as fate strangely had it had only ever been around mostly bad and black sheep. The shepherd had endured through this lot, though not very well at all.

One day, as it was, the lamb and this shepherd crossed paths.

It was an interesting acquaintance, for the lamb was skittish and the shepherd had the exclusively bad history with sheep. Even despite what they both had lived, the lamb and the sheep nonetheless came together.

Their time together was good, yet at the same time there was something not quite settled. Whether this was of the lamb or the shepherd no one knows, and it doesn't really matter. Let it simply be said that in light of the goodness of the lamb and shepherd experiencing each other that there was an underlying coarseness that permeated the air.

After some time of being together, despite the goodness that was taking place, the lamb told the shepherd it was going away. The lamb was endeared to this shepherd, yet something about the coarseness took its toll on the lamb. The lamb told the shepherd it was going to another pasture for a bit, and did.

And so the two were apart. Every once in awhile the shepherd would call out to the lamb. The lamb, in the neighboring pasture, could hear the shepherd but did not reply. The lamb missed the shepherd, yet the lamb knew that the time was not yet right to return.

After some bit of time, the shepherd called out again as had occasionally been done. The lamb, this time, replied. The lamb came back from the neighboring pasture to the shepherd.

Something was noticeably different.

The coarseness was gone.

For however things transpire, there was a new dawning for the shepherd and the lamb. A new air over this pasture, and in this new air the shepherd and the lamb came together.

And here is the most difficult part of this account, for here is where human words fail, miserably, to adequately convey what took place for the shepherd and the lamb.

Some would call it good. Others would call it beautiful, others magical. Still others would call it heaven. Heaven because of how much good and healing and Life was now taking place.

The lamb's skittishness, well founded because of the past, was gone. The lamb gave itself to the shepherd with total abandonment. This was not the first time the lamb had been around a good shepherd, yet it had been so so long. So much since the previous good shepherd had been bad, and the lamb had, realistically, given up hope of ever being with a good shepherd again. To be here now, this was just so so good for the lamb.

The shepherd, who had only been around black sheep until now, flourished. After all the years and years of anguish and self-doubt, the shepherd now, finally, was tasting what it was like to be a good shepherd with a good sheep. As they spent time together as shepherd and lamb, the knots and warpings and entanglements, which had seized and gripped and lambasted the shepherd mercilessly for so long, became undone.

It was beautiful. It was heaven. It was Life. The mutual freedom and healing taking place between them was amazing.

One day the lamb was grazing in the plentiful pasture the shepherd provided for it when the shepherd approached. The shepherd knelt down next to the lamb, as was customary and routine for the shepherd to do.

Often the shepherd would kneel down and talk gently to the lamb. Other times the shepherd would kneel and stroke the lamb's wool. Sometimes the shepherd would do both, stroke gently and talk soothingly. Sometimes the shepherd would kneel down, wrap arms around the lamb and carry it over to the fresh spring brook for a crisp and filling drink of water.

On this day, the shepherd bent down as usual. The lamb didn't know what the shepherd would do, yet knew that it was always good. Part of the beauty between the shepherd and the lamb was the suspense of not knowing what was in store, yet the certainty of knowing that whatever was forthcoming was something good.

When the shepherd bent down to the lamb this day, the lamb saw the shepherd make a motion not seen before. This did not startle the lamb for the shepherd was good, and whatever the shepherd did was good.

Suddenly the lamb felt a fiery pain race across its neck from right to left. This startled the lamb, and as it looked down it saw mats of blood and hair already clumping together upon its wool. Beyond this was also blood already forming a pool on the ground. How so much blood could already be out of the lamb and all over everything was beyond comprehension.

The lamb began to raise its glance to the shepherd, but the lamb was already beginning to black out. There was no allowance in this flash of time. No accommodation for shock, for the lamb was already going.

In the final instant, through blood spurting up into the air, the lamb could barely make out the shepherd through the wall of red. The shepherd had stood up and was walking away. As things for the lamb quickened, the shepherd walking briskly and without so much as looking the lamb in the eye, mumbled over the shoulder "I'm not who you think I am."

Then everything, for the lamb, went completely and utterly black.

reality in the season of pretentiousness

Well well well, here we are again. The six-week time of year where people engage in trying to have others believe things which are not.

I've got a job where I interact with the public on a daily basis, and just like clockwork here it is. Just like the sun coming up, the week before Thanksgiving people have turned on their "nice" switch and for six weeks pretend to convince people of a wide variety of things.

I wouldn't hate this time of year, except for how rift with fakery and pretention it is.

Is there some good come about from what some do during this six weeks? Sure, and I won't knock that. What ticks me is that in January this same everybody will flip that same switch off and go back to being Hyde instead of Jekyl until next November twenty-something.

This exposes the niceness of this six weeks as, let's be honest, a bunch of chicanery and shallowness.

I would rather people be the same all the time. Why do this in December when you won't be doing so in March? Why are you going out of your way in November, when the rest of the year it's all about your "me and my schedule" mentality?

But this is the time of year for people to crank their penance into hyperdrive. We're jerks for 46 weeks of the year...let's do penance for six to make up for all the rest.

Quite honestly, and I can only speak for me, I'd rather us be self-absorbed jerks and jerkettes as the rest of the year. Slathering on the fakery shouts pretentiousness to me, and I'd rather have people's true self than their attempted deception.

Another part of the year is the mierda people send out at Christmas. Females have the family put on nice clothes and tell them to smile real big, to project to the world what happy and together people they are. (It's such a female thing to project images to others--yet males successfully brainwashed are just as gung-ho about it as the ladies.)

The truth of the matter is these people's lives are writ with quite a bit of ongoing disappointment. The reality of women who talk a big game but then got lost in what women get lost in, and the men who distance themselves from the dig of this by burying themselves in work, civic causes, adulterous lovers, church, naughty pictures, sports, men's groups, other activities. (Then the women are somehow perplexed by the distance, prompting the circular conversations writ with awkward silences and rehashing the same topics rehashed umpteen million times before...yet everyone and everything remain static like rats on a treadmill.)

Yet in light of this reality, look at how many project an Ozzie & Harriet existence to the world.

I wouldn't mind this time of year except for what I know will happen in January. These people I interact with in public? They're still going to slosh around the cheery comments. They're going to speak as though they sincerely wish me well, but the truth is they don't give a rat's ass. And the truth also is that come January this temporary chirpiness and their well wishes will return to scowls,impatience and silence.

Give me your scowls and impatience now, please. I prefer the real you over the attempt to be placated. But we both know that isn't what's going to happen. And so I'll continue to bite my lip and give a silent half-nod as people wish Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that.

If I had my druthers, you wouldn't wish me jack shit. All chirpy now, then you turn it off in January. But since it is part of your annual penance and makes you feel better, knock yourself out. There is an ultra nano-percentage of things in life which have even the faintest microblip of merriment, but since people think pretending and the expression of words change dark realities, go ahead and tickle yourself pink. I'm sorry you feel you have to say those things.

it's already beginning, of course

Well well well, here we are again. The six-week time of year where people engage in trying to have others believe things which are truly not.

I've got a job where I interact with the public on a daily basis, and just like clockwork here it is. People have turned on their "nice" switch and for six weeks are already pretending as though they care more than they actually do.

I wouldn't hate this time of year, except for how rift with fakery and pretention it is.

Is there some good come about from people being this way during this time? Sure, and I won't knock that. What ticks me is that in January these same folks will flip that same switch off and go back to being Hyde instead of Jekyl until next November twenty-something.

This exposes the niceness of this six weeks as, let's be honest, a bunch of chicanery and shallowness.

I would rather people be the same all the time. Why do this in December when you won't be doing so in March? Why are you going out of your way in November, when the rest of the year it's all about your "me and my schedule" mentality?

But this is the time of year for people to crank up the penance into hyperdrive. We're assholes and bitches for 46 weeks of the year...let's pretend for six to make up for all the rest.

Quite honestly, and I can only speak for me, I'd rather you be an asshole or a bitch like you are the rest of the year. Slathering on the fakery shouts pretention to me, and I'd rather have people's true self than the attempts to deceive. Attempts to make me think they are what they truly aren't.

Another part of this year is the b.s. that people send through their Christmas cards. Everyone puts on nice clothes and smiles real big, so they can project to the world what happy and together people they are.

The truth of the matter is their life and their year is filled largely with strife and underwhelmingness. The reality of emotional roller coaster, hoodwinking women who talk a big game, and the men who distance themselves from this by burying themselves in work, civic affairs, church, naughty pictures, men's groups, other activities.

I wouldn't mind this time of year except for what I know will happen in January. And so these people I interact with in public? They're still going to slosh around the cheery comments, and as much as I can't stand it I'm resigned to it. They're going to speak as though they truly and sincerely wish me well, but the truth is they don't give a rat's ass. And the truth also is that come January this temporary chirpiness will return to the normal scowls and impatience.

Give me your scowls and impatience now too, please. I prefer the real you over the attempt to be placated. But we both know that isn't what's going to happen. And so I'll continue to simply bite my lip and give a silent half-nod as you wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that.

If I had my druthers, you wouldn't wish me jack shit. But since it is part of your annual penance and makes you feel better, knock yourself out. There's not a God damn thing merry or happy about my life, but since people think the mere expression of words changes dark realities, go ahead and tickle yourself pink. I'm sorry you feel you have to say those things.

some more gnawing

In the midst of these various shreddings going on, through which God is showing crevices I didn't even know existed in my heart (but which He apparently wishes to bring to light), some sober thoughts came to mind:

• if God did not even spare His own son Jesus in order to perfect him, how is it we would think we can become matured and perfected any other way?

The heart of the matter is today's Body has no ambition with regard to maturing. Let's look at the Church and see what it thinks matures us as Followers: theoretical and scientific dissection of the Book, and praise & worship. Neither one of these according to God, has anything to do with growth. They might be enjoyable in some regards, but they no more mature us than the man in the moon.

• sometimes in this Father seems to be penning akin to Job. Sometimes akin to Jesus. Sometimes Abraham. Sometimes Moses. Sometimes David. The Way is not theory, friends. This Way does not consist of nostalgically appreciating and heralding people of old who endured extreme hardship, faced bleakness, were ripped from stem to stern and yet God was with them. if you are a Follower, God calls you into the arena. He calls me into the arena. Faith lived is very very ugly, yet faith in today's Body is earmarked as this sweet, buttercup-type thing that makes everyone swoon and croon. Is this not how it is portrayed?

Faith played out is very ugly. Very very painful, often taking us to the brink of hell, human emotion and insanity. It is very unbecoming. More plainly, faith actually taking place will rip and shred you. It is not enjoyable or positive in the slightest regard.

But the Body wants no part of real faith. Real faith is ugly. Real faith has no part in the positive marketing paradigm that every church is branding. And that is just sad. The Way is portrayed as this utterly enjoyable, blessed existence in which God spends every ounce of His energy thinking of new ways to be nice to us, give us preferential treatment and make every thing we touch turn to gold.

Tell you what. Go ahead and believe that. Cuddle up in the Praise/Blessing/Victory Room and don't ever come out. The rest of us lament that by this you are having your baby bottle surgically and permanently attached to your lips. Go ahead. Run from the growing up that God would have for you.

This reminds me of a friend of mine, God bless his little heart. In the last year and a half God has penned some serious shit in his life, designed to prod this friend into a much deeper albeit extremely painful place. What has this guy done? Taken it like a man? Taken it on the chin and gone deeper? No way. He has tucked tail and run as fast and far as he possibly can away from it all.

This has crushed me and frustrated me. I see God trying to bring this friend to follow Jesus, to embrace the Via Dolorosa, and he'll none of it.

One of the most frustrating things about this is the havoc and searing pain in this friend's life is answered prayer, yet he doesn't even realize it.

He doesn't realize that what he prayed for was for a snippet from Philippians to come to bear: "that I may know Jesus, that I may come to know the power outflowing from his resurrection and that I may share in his sufferings as to be continually transformed into his likeness, even to his death".

My friend prayed for that...but doesn't know it. He saw firsthand some powerful things that were going on with me in the midst of suffering and he told God "I want power like that in my life". God says "okay" and began to sear him. All he's done since then is tuck tail and ask God to please go back to being nice to him. He's openly admitted to me (on more than one occasion) the pain of what's going on's entirely too much to bear, and further admitted he's hidden himself in video games and romantic relationships to try and get away from the pain. Pain that God has scripted, bidding him to grow up and come to know the power he thought he expressed to see.

But that brings to light an interesting point. My friend is not alone. The truth is millions of people who embrace the Way have no desire whatsoever to actually, literally and legitimately become like Jesus. People all over the place are expressing hunger to become like Him. God hears this. Yet when He begins to pen things that will spur people to (gulp) actually get on the road to becoming like Jesus they tuck tail, run, and cry out to God about how strongly they're being attacked and will He please reprieve them.

And God's saying "Um, you asked for this. You asked to become like Jesus and I'm obliging."

"But no, Father. I'm your child. I'm supposed to have VICTORY in all that I do, and this just doesn't fit the bill. Um, will You just go back to being nice to me?"

This conversation doesn't actually take place because many are laser-locked on a false paradigm. They don't realize when they ask to grow, ask to become like Jesus that God responds with...suffering.

Do we not get it? Do we not very plainly and openly read in the book that growth is spurred by hardship? We do, but we go into heavy denial of this because the paradigm of the Church does not (let's be honest here) line up with what God says very plainly about growth and about becoming like Jesus.

The Way is not about glitz, glammer, SUVs and slick-looking suits. The real Way will take you to the brink of human existence. Pulpits won't say this because they are too dependent on people to pay building mortgages and staff salaries.

I'm offering up a dare, friend. I dare you to tell Father that you wish to become like Jesus. That sounds silly, doesn't it, because you've already asked Him this and are in process of this taking place, right?

Well here's the deal. Do the same thing, only this time add two words to the end of the request. The two words are "Your way". Or for those of you who are a little more anal retentive, feel free to clarify it a bit more. "Father, I want to become like Jesus, Your way. Not as I've been taught and told by the Church, but rather Your way."

Fair warning here. Should you dare, it is advisable you strap on a helmet and clench your butt cheeks. Cause if you mean it you're about to taste something vastly different than what you've been told your entire Christian life. That verse you've often quoted, "God's ways are not man's ways"? Tell Father you desire Christianity His way.

Don't be like my friend and tuck tail. When the shit begins to hit the fan, don't go decreeing it "an attack" or go hide up in things like my friend has.

If you're going to go through with telling God you wish Him to do something, let Him do it. I assure you it is not going to be pretty. It's going to be ugly and it's going to lance you like you have never fathomed.

But it's worth it.

abrasions and concussions

One of the perils of Feminine Christianity permeating today's Body is the unwavering premise God is one who authors and scripts tenderly, softly, sweetly, etc.

It is rather my experience that He is violent and abrasive in His pennings.

With about as much sweetness as a Brillo pad laced with jagged glass.

Things which have been ripped asunder in life and in my heart are occurring with the type of pain that there are no human words for.

Yes, THAT type of pain. And yes, things which are His doing.

This season seems just almost about to stop rippling when double-whammys stun to the core with heart-numbing concussions.

This has been happening in two's.

I've commonly heard a lot of folks refer to things coming in threes.

Two's. Three's.

Hmmm. Twenty-three's.

I wonder how numb you were when here, Jesus. No one cares to think about that, do they?

bottoms up

arriba, abajo, al centro, por dentro.

friends

I am not one to ask Father for relief from things. That is just not the nature of my relationship with Him, strange as that sounds to some.

For those of you who do have a petitioning relationship with Him, would you please? There are two more wrenching blows which have hit with full gale force in the last week and, quite honestly, things are a mess.

I can deal with the blows, it's the resulting full tilt and tailspinning which don't appear to be good...or could they be part of the water getting down the mountain?

Don't know. I only know the searing from these lancings to the marrow.

I am in need of salve, and in need to hear from Him in this.

Thanks.

silence screams

The hands are frozen solid on the face of saving grace
Infidels and harlots in a blackened burning place

Silence screams, the echoes roar
Silence screams, forever more

With idiots and mannequins and charlatans in tow
Circus clowns and lunatics and ladies dressed for show
In a sullen field of chaos where dead men still have dreams
From pressure in these spaces silence screams

The folly in our passion
The prisoners of desire
The foolishness of bigots
Fodder for the fire
In bitterness and exile
As brutal as it seems
In the coldest darkest spirit
Silence screams

"Silence Screams"
--Rez Band

some days

would just be better with a gun.

Reality 101.

r.a.b.t.s.a.h.l.c.

s.t.t.a.c.a.p.a.

shhhhhh

I've been thinking about this for a long long time. I wonder why abuse is a hush-hush topic in church and in life. There's a chunk of sexual/physical that is continually going on, however even more untalked about are the other forms: emotional, verbal, psychological and manipulational.

It's a taboo topic in church. Don't ever recall it being talked about in the open, frankly. I have rarely seen people bring it up in round-about ways, only to see the Church ram verses down their throat to shut them up from talking about it and further entrap them in this hell.

The few I've known who have talked about it always mentioned it sheepishly and embarrassingly at first. Once they saw I didn't draw back in horror, over time they wished to talk about it some more and there was some really good talks and salve.

I know others who have wished to be honest enough to talk about it, only to see the lump get too large in their throat and they said nothing. I know what they weren't saying by their silence, and that's okay. If they weren't to a point to talk it's okay, I do not push ropes down the road.

The only type of abuse that generally (occasionally) makes headlines is sexual/physical. I find it interesting both in society and in the Church the infrequency that all types of abuse rise to the surface given the frequency of occuring.

I grew up in a 'Christian' home where abuse was frequent (emotional, verbal, psychological, manipulational). One of my parents engaged in this.

My other parent was stuck between a rock and a hard place: if they spoke up about it the venom would become directed toward them. And it's not that they couldn't hack it, but they were an avoidant-type person with regard to conflict and so essentially the abuser had free reign to do as they wished.

The non-abuser dealt with the abuse (which was directed at all family members, spouse and children alike) in a way which in hindsight I understand, however it also left the abuser unbridled. The non-abuser's way of dealing with the abuse was: don't add fuel to the fire and the fire will burn itself out.

Fires do burn themselves out, however there was never any conversation between the non-abuser and me/us about the burning and damage which took place while the fire burned. One of my siblings to this day is very regretful toward the non-abuser for not stepping up on our behalf. The whole thing is water under the bridge for me, put to bed long ago. It is something I learned from and, more importantly I think, something I have put safeguards in place to prevent ever again being treated like a garbage can with a hairy lid, being available for them to dump their refuse at will.

We all got scalded, except the abuser of course, and even as kids we were essentially left to ponder the confusion: I've got this parent, blood relative, who professes this deep love for me/us, yet treats me/us like dog shit. Yet I notice something. Whenever we go to church they take on a completely different disposition, one that is bridled compared to the hell they spew everywhere except in the public limelight.

A true Jekyl/Hyde environment, with the abuser being Hyde 95% of the time, which no one at church, school or social circles knew existed. And boy were they skilled at flipping the switch on and off quickly.

I have talked off and on in this blog about masking and pretending. I grew up seeing it and, regrettably, engaged in it myself in the past in terms of masking pain which I didn't feel like talking to anyone about. In the 90's I was involved in a church while at the same time going through some strong swirlings in life. I had a couple of close friends, but never reached a point where I was nudged to talk.

And so, even though I had some stuff I was dealing with internally it was "doing fine, brother, God is good" whenever people would ask. I'm familiar with this fronting. I also know what it is to deny the turmoil in my heart and life. No more. (I know, big surprise...)

And so I'm not unaware about the masking and projecting a certain image which are the reality in many lives. I'm not unaware of the overt brainwashing actuated by most of the Church today, trying to convince people with Godspeak and bible verses to mask and pretend. It really angers me that the Church promotes posing, talks of "winning our community" or "the world" for Jesus, and messages that things are "great" in their midst...when there are wounded and abused in their own pews who are neglected prisoners.

I visited a church this last summer. This church would be considered "alive" by most's consent, I think. During the service not one but two people said the following, verbatim:

(Music Minister): "Boy, I'll tell ya. When I'm feeling down I just begin to praise Him, and I don't feel bad for long!!!!" This was met with applause and many vocal acknowledgements by the people.

(Preacher, during the sermon): "Sometimes people come up to me and say 'Pastor, you don't look like you're doing too well.' I tell them 'Well, it may look that way, but I'm doing fine.' And they say 'No, really. I mean it really looks like something is really going on that's not good.' And I tell them 'Well, that may be so, but I know Someone Who can change things." This was again met with a host of vocal affirmations among the people.

So the Music Minister markets Jesus like a drug. Jesus, an elixir pill who works instantly and every time to cure our woes, guaranteed. On the MM's heels, the pastor during the sermon trumpets his own masking when something of severity is going on in his life. And, I can only assume, since he is considered the leader of that flock of people, he is instructing his people to do likewise. It sure was spoken of as definitive m.o. for followers of Jesus.

Interesting how Jesus angrily denounces this very thing, yet it's heralded as the Way by the Body.

These things taking place are the norm and not the exception. People who are bruised and abused are not to rain on the Blessing Parade in today's Church. (Yet so many churches say they are a loving, caring, welcoming people.)

Here is what the Church offers the bruised and abused:

• praise your way out of it
• ingest the Jesus pill and you just watch what happens
• God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life
• even if shit is going on, shove reality under the rug and tell people you know Someone
• tithe (more), and watch God bless the socks off of every area of your life, beginning immediately
• this is an attack of the enemy, who wants to take you out
• what unconfessed sins have you not brought before God?
• read the bible (more)
• become a Prayer Warrior (more)
• I'll/we'll be praying for you
• join a small group
• apply these biblical principles in your life

And then, of course, there is the litany of bible verses and Godspeak which dictate to people to stay in abusive situations:

• turn the other cheek
• if you live with an unbeliever, you can win them to Christ with your good deeds
• God is all about family
• "give us 8 weeks, we'll give you a dynamic marriage"

The list goes on. How incredibly shallow, huh? Got news for you in case you can't see it here: saying any of these things to the abused or wounded is like telling someone with a severed spinal column to go suck on some throat lozenges. Totally unrelated, clueless and of absolutely no good whatsoever. In my opinion, calloused and heartless as well.

At the epicenter of these messages: don't crash the party and leave your muddy shoes at the door.

So, by all this, what message is given by the Church into those enduring abuses of all types? Well, first of all it's not given the floor to be mentioned because of how festive things are supposed to be. If someone does go out on a lark and talk about it, it's generally hush-hush. Or, don't focus on the reality of what is going on: God is big, He is able, He can turn things around, just give Him a chance--you'll see, have faith. Leaving the situation (or even putting your foot down, really) is out of the question, not an option.

What are the forces that hone this in the Church? Well, one thing is the generation of Church people who are 50 or older. They were taught by the generation(s) before them that you simply take things on the chin. There are things you keep to yourself and don't mention. There are taboo things that you just don't talk about (either in church or with people in general). It was just the way it was in previous times, and there is still plenty of this residue still around today.

Add to this the Party atmosphere in/about church and God and the "focus on the positive" mentality of Western culture, and voila: the Church does NOT engage the abused and wounded. Nor are they tangibly cared for in any true sense. They're treated as a fly in the ointment. They are dirtying the carpet and the atmosphere in these wonderful edifices. How dare you.

I was talking with a friend two years ago about the church we both were going to at the time. They told me that the church formerly had driven the church van downtown on Sunday mornings and brought a van-full of homeless out to the church for Sunday morning service, etc.

I asked him what happened. He said "Some of the members had a problem with them being there. It was such a stir that the church brought it to a vote, and the vote was to stop bringing these folks."

Churches are doing things like this, and you think someone with what is viewed as dirty laundry senses any kind of liberty to talk?

Oh, and then add to this the gossip factor that goes around, and the probability that people will murmur and whisper instead of jump down in the hole with you, put their arm around you and tangibly love. Another let's be honest, today's Church is not interested in getting down and dirty with people. There is not a welcome mat for those who have warts.

If you're clean, if your life is somewhat/mostly "together" then you're welcome and will fit nicely into our middle-class country club. If you can't do for yourself or have anything unbecoming about you, you'll get the signals. We'll send them silently at first, overtly if necessary. This is both my personal experience and my ongoing observation.

sleep-driving

So I set a new personal record yesterday for catatonic driving, also known as sleep-driving.

My previous best was driving about 70 miles. That was in 1989, and took about an hour and a half. That seems long by today's standards, but back then the speed limit was 55 mph (and involved a short jaunt through one small town with a couple of stop lights).

Yesterday, after being up all night Thursday, I had a 14-hour drive ahead of me with zero allowance to pull over at any point and rest.

I do remember the first three hours of the trip. For the next eight and a half hours the only time I was coherent was when I was talking on the phone with a few folks, which was approximately an hour and a half.

According to Mapquest this span of the trip was 560 miles. So it appears I trumped my previous sleep-driving best by about eightfold.

Nothing worked to stay awake, and boy do I mean nothing. I tried focusing on the car in front of me, focusing on cars on the horizon, driving with the windows down. All these seemed to work when I first tried them--I discovered they didn't upon hitting the rumble strips or snapping to momentary attention while straddling the white line of the lanes.

You know it's bad when even the most reliable thing in the book, the trusty and reliable ol' sunflower seed eating routine, fails miserably.

This is a trip I've made around 80 times in the last two and a half years. I know all the exits along the way by memory, and use them as landmarks to help make the trip go faster. As in "okay, there's A, which means I'm an hour away from B". It's a routine which helps break the trip down into bite-size chunks. The thing is, on this trip I didn't see the landmarks I always see between Memphis and Buffalo...because of the sleep-driving. There was no "oh, here's such-n-such. That means I'm only an hour from xyz". I did pass by all the very familiar locales and landmarks, I just don't recall them.

This is really interesting, too, because there are several places on Interstates 30 and 40 where the road makes uncharacteristic 90 degree bends (as far as interstate roads are concerned). Two of these are at exits 78 and 116 on I-30 in Arkansas. Another is at mile 157 on I-30 in Texas. These are places where the otherwise generally-straight interstate makes a distinct turn. I was on the phone with a friend during the Texas one, and remember it. I don't recall either one in Arkansas at all.

So this sleep-driving, I've discovered, is an art form. You do it pretty well if you: (a) don't die, (b) don't run off the road, (c) don't hit any concrete barrier in construction zones, (d) don't side-swipe another vehicle, (e) don't get pulled over by a policeman or (f) don't get honked at or given the one-finger-peace-sign by other drivers.

It's funny. Numerous times when I snapped out of catatonia I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a pack of cars hanging behind me cautiously. As in "this dude is weaving, I don't know if I should/can pass him". I would then move over to occupy one lane (instead of the two I found myself in), the cars would see I was back in one lane, pass me, and we were all once again heading on our merry way.

I figured I was doing this sleep-driving thing pretty well, cause none of the people who then dared to pass me gave me dirty looks or fingers. Maybe they were too nervous, or too busy praying or occupied with both hands on their steering wheel, to do so...

At any rate, I didn't get any shaken fists come my way. That I could see, that is--maybe I was already back in Comatose Land before realizing any gestures being given. And if anyone did call 911 to report "a guy all over the road", well, all I can say is the police must have been disinterested or preoccupied in getting out there.

This is why I say there is an art form to this thing. There is a lot that can not go well, so if you get through without any of them happening, well, wouldn't that be considered artistic? Either that or skillful--somethin'. It's akin to that maze board game you played as a kid, where you tried to maneuver the little silver ball through the maze without it falling into any of the many holes along the way. You worked both the north-south and east-west tilt knobs as best you could. It was pretty easy at first, downright difficult toward the end. If you made it all the way through, wow.

This is not something I intend to do with regularity, mind you. However, I can now add it to a list of other things I've done while driving through the years, reading books and watching movies among them. Definitely a top five.

even the man in the moon is crying

I'm burnin' up this blacktop
Headin' down to Austin
I wonder if she misses me tonight...
I wish that I could tell her
How much I love her,
And I wish this damn'd old Thunderbird could fly...

Even the Man in the Moon is Crying
--Mark Collie

the road goes on forever

and the party never ends...

D i v i e r t e n s e

of no reputation

"let this mindset be in you, which is in Jesus...who makes himself of no reputation". (Philippians)

This is such a joke. Nothing could be further from the truth in today's Body.

There's so much glamor and glitz going on these days it'll make your head spin. A vast, vast sea of Christians doing all they can to make a name for themself. Authors, pastors, evangelists, bands, writers, vocalists. So many who put on a false front of humility, yet who beneath the surface bloodlust for prestige. (And what comes with prestige and popularity? Riches, of course.)

Aren't you fed up with hearing someone who may actually have some good things to say...and yet they invariably feel they HAVE to go into plug-my-table, plug-my-website mode?

Have you noticed the swelling, puffed undertones when they miserably attempt to be demure in mentioning they "just so happen" to have a table/site to peddle their wares? Ever thought about how dainty and innocent they attempt to make all this? Ever been underwhelmed by the excuses people give to justify doing this? Ever seen right through the mask? Ever had a yellow or red flag go up inside you regarding someone that looked good, smelled good and was saying all the things that made them seem harmless and innocent?

Last year I decided to browse the website of one of the "name" Christian people. What's interesting is this person boldly states on their site that one of the things they are most vehemently and proactively opposed to is pride among today's Christian leaders.

One click away on their site is this person's bio page, which just so happens to go into grand detail about: how many thousands attend their church, how many books they have sold, how many umpteen other pastors they have taught, where all over the world this person has extensively traveled to share their message, along with tons of news-source accolades heralding this person and their church as the greatest thing since sliced bread--i.e., how influential they are, how respected they are, how big of a Movement their stuff is, and how they are quite arguably the best pastor in the land. I just went to the site (just now), and wouldn't you know everything is still right there.

I'm sorry. I can't hear what you're saying for what you're doing.


There's a couple of other things that come to mind with regard to being of no reputation.

One of them is thinking back through the years, visiting churches and seeing the lathered-on-thick manpraise going on in Christian circles. It is common in Christian arenas for people to go super-overboard in heralding how incredible and great people are.

They do this both with regard to their leader(s) and also themselves. I have visited churches who claim to be warm and loving beyond my wildest dreams...and no one said a word to me the whole time (which I didn't mind from my end, but I'm speaking of this in the context of their proclamations).

They go waaaaaayyyy too far in trying to convince me as a visitor that this person who's going to speak is really something else and I therefore should really really listen closely. It never ceases to amaze me the use of such blatant mind-bending techniques to try and convince me to pay close attention to their "great pastor", "great man of God", "man of integrity", etc.

It is not uncommon for them to also throw into the slather a laundry list of human accomplishments, which are also geared to impress me. Even if "the man" there is not renowned on a large scale, they throw in any titles and accomplishments they can to try and build credibility (so that I'll be sure and pay attention).

Some Christian groups do this by requiring their pastors obtain a doctorate degree before they are allowed to speak. Almost every pastor in these organizations must be(come) Dr. So-n-So. Have you ever noticed the unadulterated pride with which these folks make a huge prideful deal about the "Dr." in front of the name? Being a Dr. doesn't make one either good or bad. But why these circles think titles or fame make someone good or credible is a joke.

I don't give a rat's ass about laundry-list resumes and prefixes before names. I couldn't give less of a shit about someone who has great delivery or persuasion techniques.

This is because the Way is not about persuasion. I see a lot of Christianity building their entire empires and paradigms around the Way being about persuasion. It's not. This is not about persuading or convincing. (Ever stop to consider this? Look around at how much of it is going on all around us?)

The Way is not about numbers either.

Neither do I care how many publications someone has written, how many books they're selling, how sweeping their thoughts or their Movement is. None of these things, to me, indicate whether someone is of God or not. All these things are man's measuring stick, not God's.

Yet the Body is deeply deeply entrenched in these things, saying and believing these things make someone a "man of God", a "gifted teacher", a prophet or whatever other wide number of titles and attributes Christians enjoy giving themselves.

All of this is extremely frustrating to me. Adding insult to injury in this is the widespread practice of Christians giving all kinds of man-glory and pats to themselves on the back for things that aren't even remotely important to God. Things that have nothing to do with the Way. Things that have nothing to do with being Jesus.

All this gluttunous pageantry and panache going around? It is so Old Testament it's not even funny. It was OT practice for God's people to do all manner of pomp and circumstance. And from what I read, yeah, God was pretty much into that kind of thing back then.

When is Jesus ever into production, over-the-top glut or pizzazz? It is indeed awesome when he publishes the Kingdom--withered hands healed, the dead raised, the blind seeing, the condemned forgiven, demons dispelled--yet Jesus does these things without showmanship, without revelry, without making a big whoop-tee-doo. Jesus purposely averts any attempts to be prestigious. His name is spread abroad, but this does not take place via self-promotion.

He brings some amazing things of God to mankind, yet does so with no flare, no self-promotion, no overt efforts to make a name for himself. Sure, we read of large crowds surging in, yet this is their doing, not his. Rather, of Jesus we read that he frequently goes off to lonely places to be alone. We read of times where the crowds search for him, other times where they want to give him all kinds of accolades, and he is either nowhere to be found, censors them to be quiet (and not reveal Who he is) or gets the heck out of there so the crowning doesn't take place.

This is not the spirit of the body of Jesus today. Not even close. I see a helluva lot of crowning going on today among Christians. It's deeply ingrained in Christian culture.

I don't buy the tippy-toeing around our grounding. Our grounding to be the same as Jesus, who makes himself of no reputation.

There's a lot of evil continually being bred by this grounding being blatantly ignored and excused away.

It's cool to see Father beginning to chink holes in this unaberrated and widespread haughtiness. It makes a lot of folks wince, cause God doing this puts a dent in the "we're pristine, we're aligned with God" front the Body tries to portray about itself.

It's interesting to see the damage-control mode the Body goes into when God authors the ass-kicking. Straighten the tie, straighten the hair, clear the throat. Then put on that fake smile Christians are so famous for. Oh, and be sure to lay all kinds of blame on "the enemy" and whine about being persecuted.

Unbelievable. God is trying to plug some holes in the ship, cause there's a helluva lot of them, and Christians talk as though this going on is anything but God.

God would rather light people's ass up than have them continue on as they are.

Do it more, Father.

today

is the 23rd.

milk, cookies, home runs and Monopoly

It's really sad to note the attitudes and paradigms through which Christianity portrays life. If I were to take Christianity at its word, I should rightfully expect my life to take on surreal successes of unfathomable proportions.

The widespread message today is that God is this loving, compassionate Guy, and all He thinks about is being sweet to me and giving me milk and cookies. Accordingly, I can expect to see gluttonous excesses become the norm in my life. Tell me you likewise have not heard (and perhaps even bought into) this message.

It seems the core premise of this is: if you will come to God then He will love you, and the evidence of Him loving you will be continual, drop-your-jaw, miraculous success and favor in human circumstances.

This is a really slick, ear-tickling sell. It's preposterous, yet the zeal and blindness with which millions of people cling to this false reality is stunning.

If I were to believe the magnitude with which this message is preached to me, I have every right to expect that every time my kid swings a baseball bat they are going to hit a home run. If I become a Follower, I have every right to think that every time my kid touches a soccer ball with their foot the ball is going to go into the goal.

Would you look around at the messages you see the voices of Christianity vocalizing today, and tell me if you likewise do not see this as the case?

As my merry life rolls along, why, because I am a "child of God" He wants me to go directly to Go and collect $200. I will own Broadway and Park Place, and it will be "God's will" that everybody land on my properties and my cupboard will overflow with insane abundance.

If I take the outlandish claims of churches at face value, you would think by the way they talk that the business I own will skyrocket upward, or if I am an employee that every customer or project I'm involved with will become the benchmark pinnacle around which all other business of the company will forever be compared to.

This is a really slick ploy.

It's a really cunning way to try and get people to come to God. These people are promising people that if they will come to Him that in turn they can expect their life to become the equivalent of winning the lottery. You'll have money. You'll be able to do all kinds of things. You'll have relationships beyond your wildest dreams. You'll be on the right side of the tracks. And, of course, this is what God wants for you because...HE LOVES YOU. What's really sad about this is the mind-blowing arrogance with which Christians hold unswervingly to this premise.

The day you realize God's love does not hinge upon favorable human circumstances will be a great day for you, friend.

The day you quit letting the Church inject its "God just wants to be nice to you" Kool Aid into your veins will be an even better day than that. And the day you're totally detoxed from this Kool Aid will be an even better day than that.

This goochy-goo message is not anywhere in the words of Jesus, and I'm really sorry you have been sold this snake oil. I'm even sorrier if you are selling it to others.

In spite of this, there are a few droplets of water trickling into this paradigm wasteland. God is beginning to chink holes in this Hoover Dam of Christianity. He's authoring things that are dismantling these coddling mindsets.

If you got into Christianity, or are associated with it now, on the foundational premise you just want God to be nice to you, do Him and us a favor and leave. Seriously. If you think this whole thing revolves around God answering your prayers, go do something else. You are shitting on Jesus' blood, infecting it and contaminating it with me-on-the-throne, tail-wags-the-dog self indulgence. Even worse, you're misrepresenting the Way.

So please, just leave. And take your milk, cookies and Monopoly game pieces with you.

ambitions of today's Body

In some follow-up thoughts to the last post, this came to mind: what is it those in the Body are aspiring to? In other words, when someone embraces God, what happens? What actually takes place in the life of someone who embraces God?

From what I can see in looking around (and let me know if you see different in your looking around) there are two pinnacle ends of Christianity: blessing (victory) and experiencing God (aka, entering/being-in God's presence).

These observations stem from billboards, marquees, radio and tv, websites, message boards, email, circulars, postings and overhearing Christians who purport to be "in" with God. If I know nothing about God I hone this view by observing the things people who allege to know Him do and say. How are these people living? What are they indicating is going on as a result of their (allegedly) being acquainted with Him?

And here is where something is horribly, horribly disastrous with Christianity.

The fact that almost the entire body of Jesus lives, prays, expects, hopes, speaks and reasons as though blessing and presence are the goal of the Way is spawning all kinds of hell. This contributes to the root of extreme haughtiness so common among Christians, who think their "favor" with God translates into nonstop goodies and entitlement.

It's a staple in the superficiality and callousness of the hearts of people who ironically claim to be warm, caring and loving. It's a factor in the severely warped view of Positive Christians, who live every breath of life erroneously thinking that God only wants good things to happen to people. (And that life consists solely of "finding the good [positive] in everything". What a warped perception of reality on this planet.)

It's a contributor to the spending of multi, multi, multi millions of dollars every year on things that God doesn't give a rat's ass about. And I think this could quite possibly be the saddest thing of all. People who allege to know what is important to God putting all kinds of over-the-top, gluttonous emphasis on things that aren't important to Him.

Jesus minces no words about people who purport to know God who are in actuality (and in Jesus' own words) "double sons of hell". Why don't we give more thought to Jesus bluntly saying that shrewd businessmen and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of those who perceive they are intimate with God?

I've got a friend who talks off and on about God yet is a huge critic and skeptic (and justifiably so) of Christianity. He put it really well recently when he said "These Christians actually think that God has nothing better to do than sit around thinking about how He can do things for them." I replied, "I know. Exactly." This friend, who has a casual knowledge of God, has a better understanding of Him than most Christians I come across.

The blessing/presence obsession is such an ear-tickling message. It gives Christians something to do to be busy, instead of being about doing the things Jesus says are the Way.

It's also an extremely self-absorbed paradigm. All these Christians wanting to do nothing but recline in their lazy chairs obsessing over how much God loves them. All the time.

I've lost count of how many times I've heard people say things like "Human beings are wired for worship", talking about how "awesome worship is" (in their church, their car, etc). Amidst this Feel-Good Gospel and P&W stuff, have you ever stopped to notice how many times Jesus talks about worship?

Jesus mentions worship twice. That's it.

You wouldn't think this is so in observing today's Body. There are many people, churches, entire movements that are ALL about worship. A lot of churches spend more than 50% of their time doing p&w.

Have you seen the t-shirt "It's all about worship"? I just did a Google search and apparently there is a song called "It's All in the Worship". I also found this little gem on a website last year: "Worship is at the center of this great spiritual war. It has always been over worship, fought with worship and will be won through worship."

Um, not really. Not according to Jesus.

I've lost count of the number of Music Ministers, pastors and everyday Christians who embrace the idea that we can (and should) "praise our way" out of troubles. This is such a ludicrous, retarded and shallow perception of life. Yet these same people are befuddled about the vastly increasing animosity toward Christianity.

Another classic example of people yakking their yak on God's behalf. An ear-tickling excuse for Christians to get lathered up and spend an exorbitant amount of time in self-absorbed pursuits instead of being about the things Jesus says to do. No wonder the bruised are leaving churches in record numbers.

Have you ever taken a look around at folks during p&w? The most common thing I see is people looking like they're in pain. When I see folks doing this I think "They're either in a lot of pain or they're constipated and trying really hard to pinch a loaf, right here instead of going to the bathroom".

If worship is such this great and heralded thing, why the looks of agony and constipation? If Jesus is indeed Emmanuel ("God inside"), then why do Christians talk about "entering God's presence"? If He's already within me, why the huge emphasis to go to a brick & mortar building to "experience God"?

A part of this is the Church's lemminghood in imitating society. Christianity is more about entertainment than it is the gospel. It has warmly embraced its own version of pop culture, complete with hierarchy, status, big names, who's hot, fads, "in" language, cliques, etc.

The Body is definitely into name-dropping and rock star-type icons (in music, authors, media personalities). Christian authors going on book tours, charging people to hear them speak and charging money to read their books.

If someone is given a morsel of God, why do they charge money to convey this message to others whose life might ripen in some way from hearing it? If someone is allowed to see a chamber of God's heart which is hidden to most, why demand money to gain access to this? Interesting how God gave them the nugget at no charge and yet they in turn charge money for others to hear it.

Another thing that some of these folks do is self-promote themselves as gifted, prophetic, great teachers, etc. I think this is just pious as pious can be. Don't tell me how gifted you are. Just show up, and after hearing what you have to say I'll assess whether you're gifted, prophetic or otherwise.

I have a serious aversion to this name-dropping and man-promotion stuff. Whenever I come across anything good about God I simply say "I heard xyz", "I read abc" or "a friend of mine said jkl".

I don't mention names because imo what is important is what's said, not the person who says it. This foraging that we're doing among us and with God is not writing research papers in high school. Why not just talk about the savory things of God without all this source-citing and name-dropping? Why are Christians so fixated on mentioning how educated and well-read we are?

I personally don't see the need for any of this. I enjoy anonymity, and only refer to things I come across as "I heard x". I have no interest in participating in or contributing to the vast swelling of self-promotion. What's fundamentally important is not grandstanding. What is important is simply the message. A message that should not cost anything and should not be continually tainted with piss-stains of self-promotion.

There are a lot of prisoners, captives, broken and bruised all around us. Why don't we stop promoting ourselves and just concentrate on being good to them?

acquirement and possession

I'm not one given to exaggeration, just simply making observations, be they large or small.

I mention this to preface the use of the word "everywhere" in the following few sentences. I'm more given to use words such as rampant, epidemic, widespread. In this case, from what I can see, everywhere is more appropriate...and not an exaggeration.

Everywhere (yes, everywhere) the only thing being seen is the Body of Christ rabidly fanatical in the pursuit to obtain, acquire and hold onto things.

What is it that people and just as much Christians are in such a tizzy to acquire and hold onto? Relationships, possessions, status, position, image, lifestyle, esteem, money, achievement, knowledge, health, progress, recognition, control.

Pulpits and people are all about increase, and blessing, and victory, and blessing, and overcoming, and blessing, and SUVs, and blessing, and a good paying job, and blessing, and family, and blessing, and bliss and happiness, and promotion and upward mobility and advancement. And, of course, the illusion of having and exercising power and influence (boy, is that ever its own post).

Seriously. Take a look around. Note if the topics, discussions and branding within the Body do not revolve around acquirement. See if the messages and discussions in the Church aren't centrally about obtaining and having. Even the "new" Movements of the past few years, which claim to be so different, center around garnering and attaining.

What's amazing to me is that Jesus' message is the opposite of what people who allegedly represent him are into, whether it's old guard or these newer Movements.

Jesus' message is about letting go, not acquiring.
He talks about losing, not getting and holding onto.
He talks about serving, not entitlement.
His invitation is to die, not accumulate.

The last two years for me have been circumstantially the worst of my life. By such a vast margin you can't even imagine.

Guess what preceded this circumstantial wasteland? It was telling Father, "I want to be part of what You are doing. I want to be on Your page, not on my page--pretending and projecting to others it's Yours, when it's really mine."

In other words, I told God I wanted to be part of Christianity penned by Him, rather than what is being preached and marketed by Christianity. When I talked with Father about getting on His page, He responded by asking me to give up the most cherished thing in my life.

This is nowhere to be seen in the message being spoken in the Body today.

My life since that point could not be more opposite from what both pulpit and alleged Christians are saying life as a Follower is to look like. It is excruciating, difficult and demoralizing. And that's putting it mildly. So, what then? Is God deaf? Is He disinterested when someone says they want to be part of His way? Or could it be that He heard me loud and clear, and my life is His ongoing reply?

It's heading toward three years since that conversation. A year after telling Father this a second fork in the road came, and I was presented the option to return to my former life. As I walked out of another office that year later, I walked through the building and noticed the marble floor beneath my feet (clean enough to eat off of) and the brilliantly shining brass handrails of the 4-story atrium. I was absorbing that environment, pondering the executive job I had just been offered.

There was no enthusiasm, no appeal, no nothing in my heart. Had there been I would have taken the position and gotten back into that life. As I got into the elevator with its polished cherrywood walls and immaculate marble, I simply told Father aloud, "I just want You." The position, the prestige, the expense account, the company car, going back to wining and dining high-ranking people, didn't weigh anything down inside me. The men I had just met with had extended an offer. I in turn extended God one, because that was what was in my core.

That second fork in the road was a year and a half ago. Guess what? Things circumstantially haven't become "better", as every Christian I know has asked and prayed. Things have nosedived even further, and no this is not exaggeration. I have been further shredded, further torn, made much much poorer in a lot of ways.

Again, is God deaf? not listening?

By the looks on people's faces, Christians particularly, I would be inclined to think so. But I know better. I wish others knew better too, but the gaping jaws and looks of horror indicate otherwise. I see in these folks a huge disconnect going on due to the BlessFest Kool Aid coursing through their veins--the belief to entitlement that is thought to be the Way. A God who is a cordial old man whose sole desire is to do nothing but pass out balloons and dollar bills at this quaint little parade called life.

I look at the New Testament portion of the bible and it is clear: God has heard me. He has heard me. All this whirlwind of loss going on? It's the birthmark of God. When I look at Jesus' words and the new testament, there is no message of entitlement. The Body is saturated with all this talk of blessing, but Jesus isn't. The New Testament isn't.

Got a question for you. Amidst all this rampant blessing jabber, have you ever stopped to look at how many times Jesus talks about blessing? In the very rare occasions when Jesus DOES talk about blessing, have you taken note of the context in which he talks about it?

I see Jesus talking about blessing in the following: "you're blessed when your spirit is broken", "you're blessed when you're hungry" (this is not just our tummy), "you're blessed when you are wrongfully accused", "you're blessed when you are reviled", "you're blessed when you are poor" (this is not just our bank accounts).

When Jesus talks about blessing, He says blessing takes place in the middle of being circumstantially ripped. Blessing is in the midst of a circumstantial ground zero. Blessing is in the midst of poverty, brokenness.

How can this be? Seriously, stop for a minute here. How can this that Jesus says be?

This is the radical polar opposite of what the Body says blessing is. The Body's interpretation of blessing has to do with how positive and saturated things are in our lives.

Um, why is there not more questioning of this? Why is the Body trumpeting a message so diametrically contrary to the core message of the Way?

The message in the Body is also that it is of God that we forever have, possess and keep anything which has crossed our path in life. Anytime anything is torn (or begins to be torn) out of our lives, this is automatically and mindlessly stamped as of God's enemy, the evil one.

I look around and see so many Christians zealously delusioned that followers of Jesus have some birthright to entitlement. This nonsense is so Old Testament and so contrary to Jesus' message it's not even funny.

Some of this belief is quite overt (24/7 "victory" in anything you touch because you "call upon God", etc). Some of it is very subtle, very slick--yet the current Movements have the same BlessFest message at the core.

The core premise is "if you'll do abc then God will smile on you--and the mark of Him smiling on you is you will have an abundance of earthly possessions and things going oustandingly well: relationships, family, job, income, etc".

In this line of thought, the mark of belonging to God is how closely your life mirrors the American Dream. Yep, ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL God thinks about is how He can inundate us and give us a slice, er, the BEST slice of the American Dream.

One question that comes to my mind about all this is: since when is it that the tail wags the dog?

How is it that the message is "God serves us", instead of the other way around? What is this I'm/we're-on-the-throne-and-God-is-at-my/our-beckon-call stuff?

How is it that Jesus talks about greatness in God's eyes coming through losing what means the most to us, and yet as a Christian I am to measure myself (and am measured by Christians) by how much I have and am not losing?

How is it that many Christians will themselves denounce the media preachers and say "that's not the Way, all that Prosperity stuff", and yet the majority of Christian lives and messages (including the current Movements) reflect this acquirement mantra?

I don't see us in the Body, either collectively or individually, saying about Jesus "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30). I only see people, Christians, putting things in motion to bring about as much increase as possible for themselves and for others.

Look around. There's a lotttttttttttttttttt of cherry-picking of verses (just like the media preachers) to justify the pursuit and possession of things. And yes, this is happening not only in brick & mortars but also in small groups, men's groups, women's groups, house churches, everywhere.

I see Jesus talking, in general and specifically to me, about losing life. I see Christians discussing and promising, in general and specifically to me, about how much I can have. How much I should have. How much I am entitled to have, because...I am a Follower.

I hope you lose your life, you who are reading this. I hope God sets in motion for you to lose whatever it is you hold closest to your heart. I hope this because agonizing loss puts us on the path to knowing God. Not on a superficial level (which is where the Body resides), but on a deeper level.

Acquiring and attainment does not put us on this path.

Yes, the loss will be circumstantially rotten. Yes, your soul will be ripped bare. Yes, you will taste searing pain like you never imagined could exist.

In today's Christianity this kind of talk might seem coarse and "insensitive". So be it. Do you ambition to be a Follower who does nothing but suck God's nipples until the day you die?

If you want Him to baby you, guess what? He will. If you want Him to just change diapers and be sweet-old-man-God who does nothing but smiles at you and gives you lollipops, He'll be that to you for the rest of your life. He's got a very long wick of patience toward arrested development.

However, if you have ever desired or prayed to grow, to become more than a baby (or even great) in God's eyes, if you have ever (to borrow popular terms today) wanted to "have an impact" or "be effective" or "have purpose" or "advance the Kingdom" or "be a light" as a follower of Jesus, and if you have the guts to tell Father you want it His way instead of desiring what the Church is telling and selling you, Father's doing in reply to your desire/prayer will be to hand you a cup of gall to drink.

This is interwoven all throughout Jesus' message, in black and white, clear as day. It sounds foreign because most don't dare to do more than read and meditate on the cherry-picked wonderfulness verses.

You'll never hear this in churches because they have sizable mortgages and can't afford to say this. It would be too detrimental to attendance. The "gospel" message in churches is that following Jesus is nodding our head to His philosophy and as a result Father will open up the floodgates of heaven and make our life incredible beyond our wildest dreams in every regard.

Jesus' invitation, rather, is for us to experience His experience and taste what He tastes. If we would respond to His invitation, which is not the one the Church extends us, got news for ya--it ain't chocolate cake. (If you're looking for that type of invitation and life, go to a church.)

If we would in fact respond to Jesus' invitation, it will be simultaneously the most painful, most difficult and yet best thing that could ever happen to us.

Let us not run from pain and gall. There is no possibility of compassion being birthed within us, nor can we mature, without these taking their course.

And let us not be delusioned by the Church's message--that the Way is about bankrolling assets instead of tangibly tasting Jesus.