Jesus

I love you, Lord Jesus, the Lover of my soul.

the heart of God

May my walk take me so deep into the heart of God that if anyone would find me they must likewise journey to the deepest depths of the heart of God Himself.

Capernaum 2005

Last Saturday I left Texas heading to Tennessee (Nashville area) at 6:30pm. My goal was to get back the next morning for Sunday stuff at 9:30am.

This is a 13-hour drive, one which I've made numerous times this year.

If I was to get back in time, I had 15 hours to make a 13 hour trip. If all went as hoped I could nap two hours and still make it in time.

I wanted to get back, as I thought the Lord was going to do something way cool. I sensed this because earlier that week (before heading to Texas) the Lord prompted me to do something at the church.

I went up to the church late Thursday night that week. The Lord had me take oil and anoint and pray over every door that enters the worship area. I prayed the name and power of Jesus throughout and asked the Lord to cleanse and seal that place.

I did not get Holy Ghost goose bumps doing this, but I definitely sensed the Lord's prompting as I went around.

At that time my hope was to be back in time from my trip to see what the Lord ended up doing. I knew His Hand was over and in it, and anticipated to see the fruits of it.

Back to the trip. When I left Texas, it came to my heart to ask the Lord to shorten my trip. To supernaturally make the trip shorter than it would actually take in terms of driving hours. I asked if He could take 3-4 hours off the trip.

As I drove my request got even more bold. I got tired after about 5 hours on the road and pulled off to sleep.

At that point I asked the Lord to transport me to Tennessee. Yes, to "beam" me and my car (just like Star Trek, except with a car included) to my home in Tennessee. I absolutely know He can do this, without a shadow of a doubt. And I petitioned Him to do so.

(If you wonder how/why on earth this would be prayed, read what happened when Jesus got in the boat with His disciples in John chapter 6. Jesus, His disciples and a boat, no problem. One disciple (me) and a car? No bigger thing to do. You can also read about Phillip in Acts chapter 8.)

When I stopped to sleep, my prayer was "Lord, I'm about to go to sleep. When I wake up, let me wake up in the parking lot of my apartment complex in Nashville. Show Your glory, Lord. Do this to show Your power and your glory, that You Are." I asked it be done for a miraculous testimony of some kind, somehow. (I didn't necessarily need Him to do it for me, cause I wouldn't have prayed He do it in the first place if I didn't know He can absolutely do it.)

Apparently my body was pretty exhausted, because I ended up sleeping for 7 hours. I woke up...in Texarkana, where I'd pulled over to rest. 500 miles away from my destination in Tennessee. I hadn't been beamed while I slept.

Under normal circumstances, driving within 5 mph of the speed limit, this meant about eight hours still to drive (even when you drive 70-75 mph, stopping for gas makes long trips average out to 60 mph including the stops).

In the natural world, barring a miracle, I wouldn't be getting back at the time desired, to see what God might be up to at the service I'd prayed about.

The Lord had not transported me, but even as I got back on the highway in Texarkana I kept petitioning Him to do it throughout the trip.

"Transport me to Loop 440 in Nashville, Lord. Beam me to I-24 near the exit I take to get off the highway. Do it, Lord. Put me on I-40 in Nashville. Didn't happen while I slept, do it now while I'm awake. Show Yourself, Lord."

I wasn't being choosy, just gave the Lord several options, any of which would be miraculous...literally. And I ABSOLUTELY KNOW He can and could do this. Undeniably He can.

I drove, still with the expectancy and petitioning for the Lord to do it. I was eager to see what He would have happen.

As I got about 30 miles west of Memphis, TN, my cell phone rang. It was a brother from fellowship, just calling to check up. "I'm about 30 miles outside of Memphis" I told him. The time was right around 12:15 pm.

He mentioned that he and his wife had been asked to share their testimony that morning. They and I have become pretty tight in just the short time we've known each other. He said "I was going to mention you and our friendship even though we've been coming only a short time, but I didn't see you so I didn't mention your name."

They are a great couple, with an amazing testimony. Hearing they'd done that made me wish even more that I'd been there, but I knew the Lord had had things pan out as they did. Life is not about what I want, even if those wants are God-centered and God-focused.

I told him I'd call him again when I got near Nashville, told him I might swing by their house on my way home. I had never been to their home, so I told him I'd call for directions when I got close into town.

I was still about 230-240 miles out when we spoke. About 25 miles west of Memphis, then right around 210 miles from Memphis to Nashville.

The other thing he mentioned as we spoke was him being under the weather. Their 14-month old daughter had caught a bad cold that week, and he and his wife had both caught some of it. He moreso than his wife.

I then made a call to another buddy. I knew he would not be home yet, so I left a voicemail on his answering machine mentioning I was under the impression the Lord was going to do something cool that morning, and to let me know how it went, etc.

He called back a little later, said it went great, that my new couple friends had spoken, that the pastor had been led to change his message at the last second to other than what he had prepared, and that it rocked.

Cool, I thought.

As I kept driving, between Memphis and Nashville, I got tired. I pulled off at an exit I frequently stop in that part of the state when traveling...and took a nap. The nap was just under an hour. I then went through a drive-through and got a quick bite and got back on the road.

Even though it was mid-afternoon now on my car clock, I still kept praying for the transport. Don't know why, I'd already gotten two calls earlier about the service being cool, but over.

As I got back into the Nashville area, I pondered if I should call my new buddy and his wife or if I should just go home and take a nap.

I began to think about their being under the weather, and it came to my heart to swing by their place, anoint with oil and pray.

I then grappled for a few moments. Is this just something I'm thinking about doing, or are God's fingerprints on this desire? After a few minutes of wondering this I got a nudge one way or the other, and dialed their number.

"I'm on Loop 440 near Briley Parkway. Where is y'all's house?" I knew I was not far. He gave me directions, and I told him it would be about five minutes.

Here's where things get very interesting.

When I got to their house, they were at the kitchen table eating lunch. I thought to myself "they're sure eating a late lunch" but I didn't say this out loud, the thought just passed through my mind. It was mid-afternoon by my clock in the car.

We talked for a little bit, then prayed, then got some oil and anointed their daughter. I hung out there for a little while, then went to my place and dropped some things off before going somewhere around 5pm.

So, from all indicators to me, the Lord had simply said "no" to my request for transporting me and cutting the drive time down. God saying no doesn't change one thing about Him.

It just appeared at the time that He had chosen not to. So I thought...

Just over a week later, on Monday November 14th, I went over to this same couples' house. At one point the conversation turned to that previous Sunday when they'd given their testimony. I made the comment "Yeah, I wish I could have been there."

The wife turned to me, looked me dead in the eye, and said "You were."

"What?" I said.

She said "You were there. When we got up to give our testimony, I scanned the church to see who among the friends we've met so far were there. I didn't see you where you usually sit, but I looked at the back, where the doors with windows are where people come in, and I saw your face pop up in one of the windows. I thought to myself 'oh, he must have arrived late and is waiting for an appropriate time to come in'. Knowing that you were there gave me an extra assurance as I was about to talk. We've only been here a short while, but it was an extra boost before I spoke to know that you were there. I didn't see you after service, and asked 'where is he? He's here. I saw him waiting to come in.'"

The husband said "I haven't seen him".

As they left the service, in the parking lot as they got into their car, at 12:15pm, that is when the husband called me (when I was west of Memphis, driving in east Arkansas), to ask where I was--because she had asked, since she'd seen me.

On the 14th when we talked about this in hindsight, she remarked how emphatic she had been to him to call me and ask where I was. Because, she said, "it was not someone who looked like him. It WAS him."

After the west-of-Memphis phone call, they drove home, changed clothes, heated up food in the microwave and sat down to eat lunch. From the time of their phone call until their sitting down to eat lunch at their house was about 35-40 minutes.

Okay, now check this out.

When they sat down to eat lunch, 35-40 minutes after the 12:15pm phone call, is when I called back and said "I'm on Loop 440 near Briley Parkway. Where is y'all's house?"

• When the husband called I was still in the flat plains of east Arkansas on Interstate 40. I have driven that route numerous times in the last 8 months, so I had a good gauge of where I was when he called. Nearing the east side of Arkansas, but not quite to the large truck stops which are 5-10 miles west of the state line.

• Once you cross the Mississippi River into Memphis coming from Arkansas, it takes about 20-25 minutes (in normal traffic) to get to the east side of Memphis heading to Nashville. It takes this long whether you take I-40 (on the north side of Memphis) or Loop 240 (on the south side of Memphis).

• Memphis to Nashville is 210 miles. (On Interstate 40, Mile #1 begins on the west tip of the state, a mile inside the Mississippi River in Memphis. Downtown Nashville is Mile # 210 on Interstate 40.)

Putting this driving math together, I was about 230-240 miles from Nashville when the husband called at 12:15pm.

When they got home, changed clothes and heated up lunch in the microwave, about 35 minutes later, is when I called and said "I'm nearby, how do I get to your house?"

As mentioned, the Lord did NOT alter the clock in my car. The clock in my car showed 12:15p when the husband first called, and showed normal time progression for the rest of the drive.

When I pulled up to their house, my car clock showed mid afternoon. That's why when I went inside and they were at the table eating I had thought to myself "they're sure eating a late lunch". Why they'd be eating lunch so late, especially with a 14-month old, made no sense.

When I arrived at their house the husband likewise thought (but didn't say out loud) "he must have really sped to get here this quick from Memphis".

When we discussed this later he said was waiting for me to brag how fast I had been going between Memphis and Nashville.

There was no story of speeding to tell him (pedal to the metal, etc) because I wasn't.

My cruise control was set 3-4 mph above the speed limit for the entire trip. At this rate it is about three hours from Memphis to Nashville.

The extra cherry on top of this is that I'd stopped about half way between Memphis and Nashville and taken a nap of about 50 minutes. After the nap I went through the drive-thru at a Dairy Queen and got an ice cream before getting back on the Interstate.

So the trip from when my buddy had called, including the time of the nap, is normally four hours.

There was no reason to speed, number one because I don't like tickets for several reasons (fines, inconvenience of court, defensive driving, etc). That in and of itself is motivation for me not to speed.

Number two, since the 13-hour trip only allowed a 2-hour buffer of sleep along the way to get back in time, and since I had slept for 7 hours in Texarkana, I was 5 hours off the mark of getting back at the time desired.

There was no human way to make up the difference, so no use trying and no use risking a ticket.

(For those of you decent at math, i would have to have gone 70 mph over the speed limit for four hours straight to make up the Texarkana sleep time. I would have to have gone 140 mph for four consecutive hours somewhere between Texarkana and Nashville to make up the time.)

Third, and finally, I was in expectancy of the Lord to do a miracle the entire trip. If I sped excessively I would take away His ability to prove that a miracle was authored by Him.

If I had cranked it up to 140 mph then tried to say "the Lord worked a miracle during the trip" that would be a bunch of baloney.

knew that in order for a miracle to occur I would need to stay right at the speed limit, in order for the circumstances to undeniably prove it was God and not human circumstances that did it.

Back to my arriving at their house.

As mentioned, when I got there I had thought to myself (but not said out loud) "they're eating a late lunch". I knew they were just then eating because of a bratwurst sitting in a hot dog bun on the table.

The brat was glistening with moisture, indicating it was still warm/hot. If the brat was cooled off from sitting there for any period of time it wouldn't be glistening. Its appearance would be dull with no moisture.

This obviously-still-warm brat indicated the meal was fresh, plus their plates were still more than half full of food.

The husband said on the Monday night that we discovered this that as we talked around the table on that Sunday afternoon he was waiting at any second for me to start bragging or telling a 'war story' about how fast I had been going on the Interstate...but I never did.

He also had this thought going through his mind, but didn't say anything out loud to me about it: he knew something was definitely not computing about the timing of everything (that I was outside Memphis when he'd first called, and was sitting at his kitchen table 40 minutes later), but he didn't vocalize it.

When I entered his house and as we chatted, he wondered why I was just sitting there nonchalant, not saying a word about an attempted land-speed-record between Memphis and Nashville.

You know how guys are. Any time we do something daring or crazy involving a car and speed, we talk about it.

The Lord clearly did a miracle and He undeniably DID answer my prayer of asking He cut time off the trip. He simply chose to hide it from me at the moment He did it, and then revealed it later.

And He did show His power and His ability to do it...to my friends, in real time. To me later.

• All the time that passed on the clock in my car did not indicate the Lord was doing anything. During my driving time the clock correlated with my speedometer in terms of normal time and distance. I did not disbelieve the Lord, I simply thought He'd said no to my prayer request. It didn't change my belief, I just ate it at His answer for that situation.

• speaking of prayer request, my hope/thought had been to get to Nashville in time for that church service on Sunday morning. I had anointed the church earlier in the week for some reason, and sensed the Lord was going to do something cool. My own desire was to be there to see what it was. So, given this, and the wife saw me at the back of church just before she spoke, miracle number two (aside from the driving one). Her comment was "It was not someone who looked like you. It was you. That's why I asked afterward where you were."

In Colossians 2:5, Paul talks about being absent in body but present in spirit with other believers. If the Lord knew my desire to be in Nashville that morning was strong, would He have had me there in spirit? And in so doing, momentarily allowed the wife to see in the Spirit that I was there?

There are moments where God temporarily allows people to see in the spirit world. This is more rare than frequent, for God often has us live by faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5:7, John 20:29).

Jesus did a Capernaum experience as in John chapter 6. He hid it from me initially. My friends knew something wasn't computing, but just shrugged it off--til we talked it out a week later.

You are mighty, Lord Jesus. Keep showing Yourself in power, for Your glory and the Father's glory. You show Yourself to those who believe. You and the Father are gentlemen--You don't go where You're not invited.

Where faith is You can do mighty, amazing, miraculous things (Luke 7:1-10, Matthew 15:22-28). Where there is lack of faith, Lord Jesus, You don't do much (Matt 13:53-58).

Thank You for being a gentleman, Lord Jesus. And thank You for allowing to see Your undeniable, strong, mighty, miraculous power.

I have seen You save me multiple times in my life from car wrecks, broken bones, severed fingers, being crushed. My life has not been and is in no way pain free or incident free, but You have directly saved me from so much more.

You have healed me, both progressively and instantly.

You grew my shortened leg, right before my eyes, to match the length of my other leg. Undeniable miracle of God right before my eyes and the eyes of three other witnesses.

Another time You miraculously healed my back, where I couldn't even bend over 5 degrees, the pain was so intense. With faith believing, Lord, You touched me supernaturally, and the moment You did I could bend full over and touch my toes with no pain in my back. The pain had increased over three days to unbearable, and my back had become very close to unmovable. For close to two solid days I prayed and asked others if they would also pray. In the evening of the second day of fervent prayer, You touched.

And now, Lord, by just a simple request to do a miracle of time on a trip, You delivered. Not in the way I thought, to get me back so I could go to that service, but simply to show Your glory, witnessed by three Believers. You did cut three hours off my driving time as I had asked. Actually you went an extra step, because I took a nap of just under an hour during those last 230+ miles as well, so it was actually just under four hours that were cut off. You rock, Lord.

Your mercy and power are so phenomenal, Lord Jesus. I believe, Lord. You keep showing Yourself. I simply decided years ago to take You at Your Word. I was foolish enough to drop the religion, denominational opinions and the opinions of mankind and simply believe that You are the same today as You were when You walked this earth (Heb 13:8).

Thank You for dropping the scales of rigid religious upbringing from my eyes. Thank You for breaking through the lack of faith that is so rampant in the United States. I grew up with no example or visible witness of Your power. Thank You for the grace to believe which took root. Please grant anyone who reads this the grace to develop child-like faith in You as well, Lord.

Because of the root, which has grown as You continue to show Your might, You have free reign to do as mighty and powerful miracles as You will, to show people that the Kingdom of God is near to them.

Just these last few months, I have witnessed You heal cancer in someone who had degenerated to within days of their death. That was in September, Lord. This woman now gloriously laughs and praises You as she lives. She is in better health now than when she first became sick!

I have seen You touch a pregnant woman with complications, who cried out for Your mercy as she received serious news about her pregnancy during her eighth month. You touched, Lord, and after her sonogram four days later there was absolutely no sign of the complication.

I have seen You touch a burned hand right before my eyes and the eyes of two other people. A hand which had been burned on a stove. The flesh was shriveled like a prune, had whitecaps on the peak ridges, was swollen, and on two of the four burned fingers the flesh was brown (indicating strong burn areas. Skin brown upon burn has the potential to simply fall off.) Knowing Your power, and humbly asking for Your touch, Lord in less than five minutes of prayer the pruning and whitecaps and brown and swelling were totally gone. The skin was flush, no ridges or peaks or pruning wrinkles. The skin was flesh-colored. Most amazing of all was You had taken away all pain from the burn. Even a sunburn hurts, and this was much more severe than a sunburn, and zero pain.

I have witnessed You deliver someone bound by foul spirits set free. I broke out in laughter and tears the next time I saw that person. To have seen what they looked like before, confused and restless and hurting inside, then the next time to see Your countenance and the Holy Spirit upon them--Lord Jesus, You came to set the captives free (Isaiah 61:1), and You are continuing to do so, right here in America in 2005. Bless Your name.

You have the freedom, Lord, to show Your power and glory. Thank You for not having a powerless gospel, but a Gospel that demonstrates Your power (1 Cor 2:4-5). Thank You for working with Your disciples, Your disciples today, now, and accompanying with Your power and signs (Mark 16:20).

Jesus, help us all to understand that You do not take miracles lightly. For those of us who want to see miracles, help us understand the point of miracles is to show the kingdom of God among men. That You, Jesus, are from God and are the Savior of the world. That You are the Way, the Truth and the Life, and that no one comes to the Father except by and through You. Miracles are not about entertainment or comfort, they have more to do with repentance (Matthew 11:20-24).

No other miracles matter until or unless we follow You, Jesus, and You reign (Matt 12:38-40). The most important thing to You is that we follow You, and that we count the cost of Your becoming Master (Matt 19:16-22).

Help us to see this difference, Lord, and do what You need to do in our lives to make us realize that above everything You want our hearts. Not half of them. Not just the part of them that is convenient to give to You. Not just in the areas of life we've been told or trained or "feel like" giving you.

Then, with our hearts and our following, You want us to take You at Your word. May we not be bound to what we were raised to believe or have been told to believe. Help us to take You, Jesus, at Your word. First and foremost about Your desire to be our Master. May we get off the throne of our own lives, humble ourselves and give ourselves to You. Break the constraints and cords of religion and denominationalism and humanistic Christianity that are in or over anyone who reads this, Lord.

Jesus, You thanked the Father that these things had been hidden from the wise and revealed to little children, and that doing this is God the Father's good pleasure (Matthew 11:20-26).

Lord, if we want a sign but our hearts are cold, let us ponder these verses about Your miracles. Holy Spirit, reveal our own hearts to us, and to whatever length or degree we need to change, whatever we need to surrender to become as little children, show us.

Father, You have chosen the foolish things of this world to shame the wise (1 Corinthians 1:27). May we become foolish children instead of wise adults, that we might see Your power, Your might and Your glory. Your Kingdom is truly at hand.

In Your name, Jesus, so be it.

band-aid Christianity

"God's got a plan" (add "for you" or "for your life")

"I'll be praying for you."

"The Lord is with you whatever happens."

"Oh, God bless your heart."

"God's got a purpose"

"Jesus is Lord"


Are these sayings true? Yes. Do they have a sliver of Truth in them by the Scriptures "nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus" and "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age"? Yes.

Are they also inherently rude, shallow Christian catch-phrase religious babble that Believers often/frequently/sometimes spew out of their mouths? Yes.

Canned statements such as this are a putrid stench to the hurting. These loose-tongued, band-aid Christian phrases are often said by the "well" who walk around blindly in what I call the Christian Flesh.

Their statements are simply regurgitations of things they've heard, things they've read, Scripture, etc. Despite these Christian-sounding phrases, these words are not uttered under the leading of the Holy Spirit, and their words therefore have no true, effective ministry of Jesus nor the anointing of the Holy Spirit in them.

This is evidence of what we were warned of in the last days..."the love of most will grow cold" (Matthew 24:12).

So many Believers walk in some form of a PMA (Positive Mental Attitude), Polly Anna, Health & Wealth, Prosperity, Blessing and/or Dominion Gospel that is a stench to God Almighty.

These "gospels" are shallow. They are hollow. They are superficial. They are a thin film of truth around a big fat lie.

"20 ...Turn away from the irreverent babble and godless chatter, with the vain and empty and worldly phrases, and the subtleties and the contradictions in what is falsely called knowledge and spiritual illumination. 21[For] by making such profession some have erred (missed the mark) as regards the faith..." (1 Timothy 6:20-21)

Band-aid Christianity. Ain't it great!

a word to the hurting

There are a lot of things (most of them from tough moments) that I will never know (while here on earth) why they happened. We cannot always trace God's hand in life, but we are given the option to trust His heart. This may be hard to digest, when the depth of our pain is beyond description.

I have been at the point where I hurt so bad that I could not believe as true a verse of Scripture I had known for years: "all things work for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose". I'd known that verse for years, shared it with others, believed it for myself.

Then something in life happened so raw and hurtful that I could not believe that verse when it was shared with me. I was honest enough to tell the person "I know that verse, but in all honesty I cannot believe it true for me in my life now." That's how much I hurt. And God appreciated my honesty when I told Him this same thing. And He appreciates your honesty with Him too, wherever your heart is.

He welcomes being able to prove and show Himself, if we're willing to shake off all the religion and erroneous stuff we're fed about His nature through church, TV, the opinions of others, etc. and go straight to Him. I know part of my problem for so long was getting my information and opinion of Him from sources other than He Himself.

Anyone who wants religion can have it, I'll take Jesus thank you very much. Religion is man's idea of what and who God is, and the overwhelming majority of it is dead wrong about His nature, His love, His strength, His power.

Religion does not welcome the hurting. Religion expects you to be happy and blessed. Religion says to wear a smile and tell everyone you're doing fine...even when you are not.

Jesus Christ hates religion.

Jesus wants you to be raw and honest with Him. If you're hurt, downtrodden, pissed--Jesus wants you to tell Him so, just like that. He doesn't want you to put on some fake aura of reverence or get-it-togetherness before you come talk to Him. He wants to hear your heart as it is, with your words and your language, letting Him know EXACTLY how it is. Would doing so include some rough language and choice words in sharing your heart to Jesus? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, He wants to hear it straight, all of it, how your heart wants to say it. Don't hold anything back: don't hold back your words, don't hold back your tone, don't hold back your heart. Lay it out full throttle. That's what Jesus wants you to do.

Religion tells you to ignore or shun your feelings, and be something you're not. Religion tells us we are to have a certain disposition about us if we're going to approach God/Jesus.

Jesus says "Come talk to me, raw. Don't make up your hair or your face. Don't put on certain clothes. Don't 'prepare' in any way, shape or form. Forget that! I want to hear straight from your heart."

You wonder if Jesus really says this? Know this, He scorns the pompous, self-righteous and indignant.

"Woe to you, you actors and pretenders! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces; for you neither enter yourselves, nor do you allow those who are about to go in to do so." (Matthew 23:13)

The ground is level at the foot of the cross. You and I stand equal there. None of us is higher than anyone else, nor lower.

I don't know if this is a challenge or an encouragement. But I simply say to shake off all the stuff that is preached and that American believers share with each other how God is. Drop all that stuff, and go to the Cross with whatever is bottled up inside and let it out. Strong, emotional, angry, hurt--whatever it is, be raw and honest with Him about it. Let it fly. Don't worry about using a respectful, reserved tone because it's Him. Let the true sentiment of your heart loose. However long, however strong, and tell Jesus. This may sound crazy, but He WANTS to hear the true emotion of your heart. He can take it. He doesn't want you to hold back.

Then, when you've let it out in totality and He has absolutely heard it all, true and raw, do one or two things. (1) listen. See what He says to your heart and spirit. If you sense nothing, then maybe there is something more to get off your chest. (2) ask Him for a trade. I'm going to personalize something Jesus said while on earth and make it for you. Jesus says to you, "Come to me, (say your name). You are weary, and burdened. I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, (your name), for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden light, (your name)."

Jesus wants to make a trade with you. He wants your pain, your hurt, your ache, your anger, your brokenness, your anguish--from anything current or past. He is asking YOU for it. Yes, yours. What you have experienced and have carried (or are still carrying) with you.

Please don't be like me. When I drifted from Him, it started off as disappointment, and grew into a jaded resentment. My faith waned. I didn't hang on just a little bit further til He would have brought me out into the clear. I was impatient toward His timing on things.

The result? I strayed for twelve years. Wandering. Hurting. Avoiding. Acting out. Bitter. Empty.

Wanna know something? I was going to church for 10 of those 12 years.

I was going to church. I wasn't going to Jesus.

I went to church, expecting that some miracle sermon about pain was going to right my ship, or that some brother or sister was going to be sent over to me by the Lord and say "The Lord has revealed to me you might be hurting. Will you share?"

Could that have happened? Yes, but it didn't. And though it COULD have happened, the problem is I was not looking to God. I was looking to man in God's house. Huge difference, and a huge mistake on my part. Don't make my mistake.

Brothers and sisters can be a great ear, and they can be a shoulder and/or a voice of wisdom (if they have godly wisdom). Fellowship is great, but do NOT have the expectation that another Christian is going to be the key to the healing of your heart. As long as you look to man to do what only God can do, you're going to be disappointed, and wasting your time looking to the wrong source.

Man can give empathy. Man can be a voice that they have been through similar or know what you're going through. But only your spending time with Jesus at the cross and spending time letting the Holy Spirit minister to you are going to do the real healing.

I don't know where your heart is now. If you're still not as close to Him as at some period of life before (or never been close to Him at all), if you're disappointed still on a large scale from what has happened in your life, God is okay with this, whether this entails being angry at Him about it or not.

Do you wonder or doubt if God could really understand what's going on? Read Psalm 139.

He is perfectly fine with where you are about it all. Unfortunately, from American church preaching we now have this idea that things have to be good in order to approach God. We go to Him when things are blessed, to ask for more blessing. Hogwash. Jesus wants you to talk with Him now exactly as you are, wherever your heart is: wounds, hurting or whatever.

Do not believe the lie that you have to be at a certain point or level of happiness or blessedness to approach the Lord. That is a lie from the pit to try and keep you from going to God as things are. Jesus said time and again that He came for the brokenhearted, the captives, the prisoners, the sick. I had it all wrong for years. In my inner heart, raw honest, I knew I wasn't walking with Him, and instead of coming into His light I hid like Adam & Eve. Guess what? There's nowhere to hide. God knows.

Why do we think we can hide from Him? It's cause we're hurt. We're hurt and so we put the hand out at arms length. And we don't come to Jesus because we see all the fake smiles on Sunday morning and do the superficial "how are you? Great, how are you" talk with fellow believers, and we think we're not supposed to be gut honest and truthful with Him about our hurts.

And it breaks His heart that we don't come to Him with our burdens, our wounds. Jesus says, to YOU and ME, "I came for the brokenhearted", "I'll trade my easy burden for all your pain and garbage", "Blessed are those whose spirit is broken".

These are His words, spoken then...and spoken now to us. Do we take Him at His word and see if He'll come through? Are we prideful to not let our guard down and admit our weaknesses and hurts to Him.

Jesus said "My strength is made perfect in your weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). The Word also says God's weakness is stronger than man's strongest strength (1 Corinthians 1:25). Do we come to the Lord when we're weak, broken and say so? Do we stay prideful and stubborn? Do we snub His offer to deliver on His promise and ability to not only heal our wounds but give us His strength, not as the world gives or knows strength, but His strength?

Don't we teach our kids the "Jesus Loves Me" song, whose lyrics include "I am weak, but He is strong"? Do we practice what we preach? Do we give lip service to God's strength, His healing, His touch? Or do we come to Him with our broken heart, our anger, our anguish? Are we too hurt to? Too scared? Too prideful?

When God stung me in a microburst to get my attention earlier this year, my twelve years of pride in not wanting to be honest with Him about my wounds and subsequent rebellion was gone real quick. I was too prideful to simply go to Him and have an honest talk with Him.

I had refused for twelve years to come to Him with my heart full of disappointments, so He put me on my back to get me to look up at Him, and I'm better for it. "The Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father the son who he delights in" (Prov 3:12)

If there is hurt in you, please don't be a fool like me. I had a storehouse of anger, but wouldn't go to the Lord. His heart hungers more than you can imagine for you to come to Him with whatever you have in your heart. Scars, current wounds, anger and all.

Again, I don't know if this is an encouragement or a challenge. Get alone, and go to the cross...with everything, and lay it out. Honest, angry, whatever is inside you. Don't hold back. Speak your language to Jesus. This is Jesus you're talking to--the guy who hung out with sinners and robbers. He is not like the high-brow, judgmental, religious, prim and proper people who'll gasp at the language you might use in talking about your wounds. He wants and appreciates unfiltered truth.

Then listen, and/or ask for a trade--your crud and all you've felt, for the easy burden He offers. You will be absolutely blown away by what happens.