the shirt

About a year and a half ago my daughter and I were running around somewhere. I don't remember where it was, only that it was out in public.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, she sneezed one of those monster explosion sneezes where it just plain goes everywhere.

Sneezing is no big deal for kids, but when you're a kid and have one of those explosive kind, where stuff is literally everywhere and an absolute mess, it can be rather traumatic. You're covered in all kinds of gunk. You feel dirty. Ugly. Helpless. All you can think about is this ick all around and on you.

I heard the sneeze, and noted that it sounded a tad different from normal sneezes. Just as I decided to peer down to see what was going on I heard it. My daughter had already begun to wail about the nasty, helpless situation she was in. It wasn't overwhelming to me, but to her it was more than she could bear. She was paralyzed in yuck.

She desired to be clean, to be free from the discharge that had crept up and out unexpectedly.

She cried out for her Daddy, who was right there with her, to help. Passionate in the heart, if at all possible, to be a good father.

There I stood beside her, empty handed.

I didn't even pause at what to do. Immediately I pulled my shirt tail out to lengthen it, then reached to her face. I simultaneously spoke softly to her, letting her know I was right there and it would be okay.

Daddy's voice has a way of calming her when things are chaotic, painful, dirty, lost, broken, paralyzing, numbing.

Cleaning the mess with the shirt and also talking softly to her dissipated the horror of the moment for her. Now, of course it wasn't the worst of events, but to her it was...and that is what mattered.

So we were standing in the aftermath, my shirt now a mess when something flashed to mind.

I don't know whether I did it to be a funny Daddy or to reinforce to her that cleaning her mess was more important to the condition of my shirt--maybe it was some of both--but I pulled my shirt out, stared at the mess, and in a funny tone and a comical look on my face said "Bleh!!! Ehhh!! Look at my shirt."

My daughter stared at me with a grin and began to howl in laughter. I kept on with tongue-in-cheek eww stuff a little longer, then began to laugh with her.

In a flash things became a total mess. Daddy was right there, and used an unorthodox thing to dispel the trauma and the dirtiness. Then afterward made it clear that there was no disgrace in him having gotten dirtied on her behalf. It pleased him to do what he did, and in making sure she knew this she ended up with a smile on her face.

Some time after this we were at a public restroom at a convenience store. After my daughter went she washed her hands. Upon finishing at the sink she looked around and there was neither a paper towel nor a dryer. I extended my shirt, she dried her hands, and again I did the tongue-in-cheek "hey look at my shirt" funny stuff with her. We shared the same light heartedness and giggles as before.

Whenever I'm with her and she has a yucky sneeze, there's no hesitation. She knows Daddy's shirt is always available to her for messes. It is gladly offered, without reservation. Without repercussion.

There is no sense at all of "I'm messing up Daddy's shirt" or "I made a mess". No, rather it is simply instilled in her that when a mess comes about Daddy is right there, passionate, and unconditionally offers of himself to help her. Gladly, joyfully he gives of himself for her--in a way that brings calm, and a smile to both faces.

Ever since these moments, when we find ourself Kleenex-less or paper towel-less, my daughter gets a devilish grin on her face and comes at me--nose dripping or hands wringing. It's something Daddy's heart never tires of.

What's interesting is she goes for Daddy's shirt even when there are paper towels available. She much prefers Daddy's continous offer to other alternatives which would do just as well.

Maybe it's because she wants to laugh. Maybe it's because she wants to see Daddy do his silly tongue-in-cheek routine. Maybe she loves that Daddy helps her without reservation, whether it's something serious or not.

It doesn't really matter what it is, whether any of these or something else. I do know one other thing. There are times when we do have situations come up that are messy and she cries. Sometimes I don't know what to say as I hold her and she cries. Some situations are just yuck, and I'm at a loss to really know what to do.

Whenever the situation is stuck and I have no idea what to say it is awkward. Sometimes situations are just ugly, and to attempt to put some type of pretty bow on it is not only cheap but also bad.

Whenever this happens, and we're sitting there in the awkward white noise with no segue, a lightbulb will go off and my daughter will suddenly lift her head up and proceed to wipe the snottyness from her crying onto my shirt.

Whether it's jovial or serious is okay with Daddy. The thing is she knows Daddy welcomes her regardless of what is going on. Trauma or teasing she is always welcome to Daddy's shirt without condition.

etcetera

random thoughts of late...

I've got that thing going as happened recently, many thoughts and no synthesis.

•••••

Some things need to die.

I was asked recently to pray for something to live that needs to die.

I have been praying for death. Why people think God is only into and about life is a mystery.

Do we not realize that the foundation of the Way centers around a death first? Everybody seems to only wish to focus on God's Ice Cream and nothing else.

God himself says there's a time for life and a time for death.

Why all these folks are going around claiming and hoping for and "speaking life into" situations where God is clearly authoring death is a mystery to me.

Sometimes His penmanship is a death followed by a rebirth, life. Other times it is simply Him authoring death.

Even when He authors life without death first, is it pain-free life generated abra cadabra style? Is there not discomfort and birth pangs which precede?

•••••

Speaking of death, I am finding myself again praying for my daughter's death. That would be so much more merciful than the utter hell and shit she is growing up in. It has been awhile since I prayed this type of thing, and have come back around to it. It truly would be God's mercy.

Go ahead and gawk and shake your head if you want. Be horrified and think "I could never wish that for my child or any child". Yeah, go ahead. Enjoy your comfy, cushy little blessed world, friend. Others of us out here are going through real, utter shit in life. Cancer is not always physical little cells in people's bodies.

There are cancerous situations in life, just as debilitating and life-sucking and eroding. But praise be to God! Three weeks ago Jesus asked me "can you drink My bitter cup?" I replied "what do You mean 'can I'? What the hell do You think I've been doing for over two years? I'm taking that as 'can you handle more gall than you've already drunk'?"

Turns out I can. He certainly has proven He knew what He was talking about. Already had at least two more gulps You talked about, Riz. Gotta love The Riz (aka, Jesus the Risen Messiah for you traditional folks) for His astute prophetic knowledge.

•••••

Wonder how many pulpits will be preachin' on the joy of agony anytime soon. Yeah, that's what I thought.

•••••

Well, there's your good news update. 'Til next week sometime...

more II

There is other pain which can mesh with knowledge to do something good, strong, beautiful and/or powerful. This is aside from the God-authored "I want you to grow up as a Follower" pain.

This other pain is just simply pain from life. I'll leave it to the experts to talk about life-pain's relation to being of God or not, to what degree, how, how much is evil around us, how much is us stumbling ourselves, how much is God, all that stuff.

I'll leave that to others for now. I just simply know that people hurt and life is painful--in various degrees, on a pretty wide continuum. Some things are life-numbingly severe and traumatic. Other things hardly impact the breath. I've lived at both ends of the spectrum. One end for the very large majority of my life, the other end for a relatively short time. I know others whose lives are the inverse of mine, and I know people who are all along the spectrum.

One of the things that is very disappointing is the breadth of people who do nothing but fixate on "why" when something painful happens. In a way this doesn't really surprise. Society today is on such a binge for dissection, analyzation and complete deciphering, and wish this to transpire immediately. Everyone--the media, C/church, groups, education--are hyper focused on looking at things under a microscope and making lightning quick assumptions.

Pain can be analyzed and scrutinized under this microscope, yet the odds of pain looked at this way having the chance to mesh with God-knowledge to birth something good, beautiful or powerful are pretty much nil.

All the talk that I'm generally aware of, when a situation or life has been traumatic or painful, is (by a Follower) "why, God?" And by a non-Follower, "how could a loving God....?" I think these are valid questions, yet I also think pain is a time where God is wishing primarily to get our attention to listen, not flood Him with questions we want answered immediately. He cares about the questions, He does. It just seems people are programmed to fire off 20 questions at Him when stuff happens instead of (ever) listen. It seems people are programmed and eager to analyze microscopically when it would be better to view things macro. It seems people wish to kneejerk instead of not kneejerk.

And these things taking place are understandable. We're human, whether we're a Follower or not, and some stuff just crops up from within us innately. We hate pain, and it is our nature to avoid it, heavily question it and respond quickly to pain with simply the desire to have it gone asap. It's hard to be patient and to listen when hurt.

I think God does desire to show us and tell us stuff about pain, and to talk through things with us with regard to it. We're just not by nature oriented to be patient or unemotional about it. That's pretty much our nature. Which makes it hard to digest that pain seems to be the way God works good things.

Even if we can somehow come to be oriented well to God about pain, which is contrary to our nature to do, we can't really expect to know everything about "why". God will talk to us and show us some things about it. Other aspects of it He won't. Some of those things that we're thinking about aren't on His mind about it. There are some things our hearts aren't ready for when we ask the questions. God knows this and shows us mercy by not talking to us about them at the time. Some things He can tell us later down the road, when He knows it's okay then. Other things we will never know until That Day.

Some things are so severe it is essentially impossible to come to God about them. They could not be any more polar opposite than what we've always heard about Him. We talk to people who in some way linked or professed to be linked to God, and there is simply this huge, huge disconnect between our experiences and this "caring, loving God" stuff we hear about.

But I don't think people who actually know Him mindlessly blab "He cares about you, He so wants to bless you" garbage incessantly to those who hurt. It doesn't seem so because it is not my experience that He does this Himself. He doesn't say a lot of things that people who allege to represent Him say, I'm learning the hard way. It is so cliche, it is so mindless and shallow...it is very rotten fruit to the bruised in life.

And so where's the middle ground? God and pain, anguish, trauma. Got some more thoughts on this for later, just wanted to think out loud about some stuff here.

more

Good things happen between people and God when there is a mesh of knowledge and pain. This pretty much sucks, but the more things are observed the more it appears to be God's way.

This is why Jesus says that entrance into the Kingdom is difficult. It takes place via something that is totally contrary to human nature. Human nature is to run from pain. Avoid it at all costs. Detour around it if at all possible. We do not by design embrace or welcome pain in our lives. We fucking hate it.

God scripts it, though, regardless of how we feel about it.

Yet this is what is so contrary in today's Body. Pulpits today do not speak of pain as God's way. There is only speak today of blessing, victory and success.

Yet that is what is amazing. If it were possible (but it's honestly not) to get someone in today's church to remove the praise dildo from their orifice for a minute and have a sober conversation, they would admit that it is the times of hardship in their life when they have been closest to God.

Have you ever noticed that when searing circumstances arise in your life that your ears suddenly get larger and more attentive to God? Not in a blessing or praise sense, but rather in a "God, I'm listening" sense.

But this so often falls to the wayside. People leave this temporary moment of sobriety with God and run right back into the Bless Me Room.

Utter shit gets our attention. We come down off our high horse (be it a praise/blessing high horse or a sin high horse) and are willing to be with God--listen to Him, not just blab a one way monologue to Him.

But this is not what takes place in today's Body. The expected orientation of anyone who is a "Believer" is to be continually drunk with the praise Kool Aid.

And so here's what happens today. Anytime God wishes to get someone's attention or have them spiritually grow up (He grows us by trial and hardship, it is ALL throughout the new testament that this is what He does) there is a kneejerk, spasmodic reaction. It's partially based on human nature yet is amplified many, many magnitudes by the praise/blessing gunk.

People have come to wholeheartedly expect (demand) blessing around the clock, and so what goes on both inside them and other Kool Aid Drinkers is a HUGE disconnect.

I see this time and time and time again in people, this disconnect. They are totally befuddled as to why a serious, hazardous situation has cropped up in life when "God" is (allegedly) all about their perpetual bliss.

When shit goes down the reaction is commonly not "yes, God, I'm listening". Rather it is "satan you have no place here, go back to hell", "devil, you have no authority over Suzy's life". People begin flailing at the devil, when the truth is it is God trying to get them to come down off the high of their praise/blessing injections and actually (*gasp*) grow for a change.

Is it really that hard to see that today's Body is overflowing with whiny, bratty, immature babies? When anything goes even slightly awry they just begin to cry. Wah wah wah. God restore my comfort. God readjust my fleece blanket, it got moved one millimeter and I can't handle it if it's not perfectly positioned. You'll do this because You LOVE me. Because You love me You want me happy. I'm not happy. Wah wah wah. Don't You love me? Wah wah wah.

Worse than this, these people destroy what God is wishing to do in other people. God tries to get Joe Christian's attention, speak to Joe, grow him, and the people around Joe begin rebuking satan and spend every ounce of their prayer, energy and "ministry" pleading, begging and commanding that a state of blessing be restored to Joe's life.

People are intervening in the name of Jesus and preventing God from doing things in and with people. You think God is all-powerful? Ha ha. His work is stopped ALL the time by people who go around doing their own thing in His name. This is why Jesus says what He says to us in Matthew 7:

"Many will say to Me on that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name and driven out demons in Your name and done many mighty works in Your name? And then I will say to them openly (publicly), I never knew you; depart from Me, you who act wickedly [disregarding My commands]"

It is not of God to have a Body full of diaper wearers. He wants people to grow up, and He's excruciatingly clear that He does this by way of pain. And yet there is a sea, a hugely large majority of those who claim His name who are doing all they can to prevent growth in both themselves and others by alleviating and circumventing pain.

And think they are of God by doing so.

Got news for ya. God has had it with diapers. He is absolutely fucking sick of changing diapers. Ask Him yourself if you want.

Quit doing all that can be done to prevent growth by trying to keep things dainty, positive and blessed. This is resisting God and operating in the Christian Flesh (doing one's own thing in Jesus' name), just like Jesus talks about.

God does some really cool stuff when there is a mesh of knowledge and pain. This is why He authors pain. Take away the pain and all people have is knowledge.

This is why knowledge by itself is just knowledge.

So all this talk about being a more mature Follower just by knowing more bible and/or having a better/longer prayer life (which, let's be honest, is just spending more time asking God to do things on our or others' behalf)? These will give us more knowledge, but they aren't going to grow us jack shit.

Pulpits and churches everywhere today say growth comes via more bible reading and more praying. God says growth takes place via hardship.

None of us will mature squat as long as life is a matter of conceptually nodding our head in philosophical agreement with the idea that Jesus will baptize us with the Holy Spirit and with fire (Matthew 3:11).

Hear what is said to anyone who would wish to grow up in God, and/or be in Paradise:

"Grant that we may sit...in Your glory. But Jesus said to them, You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized? And they replied to Him, We are able. And Jesus told them, The cup that I drink you will drink, and you will be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized"

Further, "that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope] That if possible I may attain to the resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead" (Philippians 3)

And, "we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." (Romans 8)

The pulpits today don't talk of these things. They only talk about eating ice cream.

Salvation is NOT a "free gift", I don't care what everyone is telling you. Jesus says the opposite. He tells us following Him is going to cost us everything we've got.

If we are truly God's sons, if we are to mature beyond diapers, following Jesus is going to rip us asunder. From stem to stern.

I'm sorry they didn't tell you this when you signed up. If you want to reconsider and turn back and follow Him no more, go ahead. Jesus doesn't chase people, and we are free to leave. They don't mention these fine-print verses above when they tell us about following Jesus.

So the question is, are we going to tell Jesus we wish to drink from His cup? Do we have the guts to invite His baptism? Invite His sufferings? And by His sufferings this is not talking about having allergies or some other physical trifle.

This is not a pretty thing. This is Jesus' invitation to be bludgeoned as He is bludgeoned. When He says "follow Me", it is an invitation to follow in the footsteps of His sufferings.

It's really interesting that so many people consider those who are living in and pursuing the blessing bubble to be "men of God" and "women of God".

Not according to the bible.

Maybe we're satisfied simply having knowledge.

S'ok. Retract to the precious little worlds of knowledge and blessing lived in at the moment. There's going to come a fork in the road where it's either renounce Jesus totally or embrace His way of suffering.

This current "God wants things cushy for us" stuff will shrivel and be vanquished. It is not of God and He's beginning to shred it for the nonsense that it is. The prayer here is that He'll bring that fork swiftly to anyone who's read this.

Venture beyond knowledge. Ask for His cup, if you dare. It is NOT pretty, so we should weigh this before asking frivolously. This is a weighty thing to ponder. But then again, the Way is not for everyone.

cont'd

I've really had a lot brewing lately, and every time I've sat down to write something nothing has gelled. It's as if there are ten thousand things inside, and collectively they are busting at the seams, yet when I attempt to select one of them from the others nothing comes.

I'm feeling that way right now too, but am just going to type stream of consciousness and perhaps get the stinkin' cog out.

I have really been doing a lot of pondering the last few months on pain and knowledge. I wrote recently knowledge is nothing but knowledge. Of itself it stands alone. It has some value, but in the big scheme of things knowledge by itself is very, very tiny. By itself it often causes much, much damage.

But people don't look at knowledge this way.

Knowledge is trumpeted as the end-all. If you have knowledge you put yourself in position to have bigger and better (fill in the blank). Power, prestige, advantage, security, success, the list is quite lengthy.

The same is true among those who claim to know God.

In the last two years I have met many, many people who gurgitate all manner of bible verses and Godspeak in conversation. They have a repository of God-knowledge somehow and somewhere inside of them. And yet this knowledge when expressed has sounded like a sour, shreeking chord that raises all the hairs on the spine.

It is an absolutely awful sound to the ears of a wounded heart, yet the people who are playing the chord are tonedeaf. They think that what they are saying is on the mark and just what the Big Doctor in the sky ordered.

Many think because they are quoting bible verses it is absolutely certain that what they are saying has some type of celestial magic within it that will lead to a lightbulb going off inside the person they are speaking with.

Not so.

God Himself says very clearly this is not the case. Interestingly, He says this is not so right in the middle of the part of the bible scripture-Quoters reference as the reason to always be knowing scripture, learning scripture and quoting verses.

What's interesting is these folks don't pause to consider this is the very thing Jesus wishes to deflate. When He speaks to people who are knowledge hounds, He scathes them for having tons of knowledge and being zero about people's hearts.

And that is one of the chief plagues today. People who claim to know God are on a knowledge binge. Meanwhile, they know nothing and care nothing about people's hearts.

This is central to Jesus' message. In His conversations with the teachers of the Law this comes up over and over again.

As I'm typing this I am thinking of three friends. All of them have/had some nasty heart-bruises in life. All three of them went to church with the hope of having their heart recognized (and hopefully nourished) there.

All three of them instead had their heart further damaged, trampled and bruised.

So, what did all the knowledge inside all of the people in the places they went do? Nothing? No, not nothing. The knowledge did additional heart-stomping damage. And what happened as a result of that? Each of these three friends could not tolerate the additional bludgeoning of an already dilapidated heart, and so they left before their heart was killed.

I applaud each of them. Whether they knew it or not, they had a gauge of their own heart and they knew they needed to protect what was left. (Prov 4:23)

A friend questioned on the recent Knowledge post that perhaps I was denouncing knowledge. I'm not. Knowledge has the potential to be part of heart repair, but it does not do so by itself.

Knowledge alone is just knowledge. Knowledge by itself does nothing to or for the heart.

It has to mesh with something else. And largely it's not.

caesura...

much turbulence, no rhythm...