how blessed I am!

You know how some folks talk about events in their life that take place (with a child, a friend, a situation, etc), and then draw a dainty parallel between that event and some nugget of wisdom or insight about God and/or life?

For example:

(with a sweet little coo-coo voice, like you're talking to a six-month old) "You know, I saw the most beautiful flower blooming today! And it reminded me that we, like a flower, bloom in our relationship with God!"

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about.

Well, glory be! Yesterday I was driving to an appointment and, God bless me, look what God did...check out this picture!

He gave me one of those parallel-lesson thingys about my life that many others seem to get all the time...

All together now: "awwwwwwwwww".

Or for those of you who want to spiritualize it, all together now: "God is so good..."

...

what the hell are You waiting on?

an apology to a friend

Dear friend,

I know these last few months have been excruciatingly painful.

I know stuff has been going on for quite some time.

I know, because I've seen the hurt beneath the smile.

That pain has amplified magnitudes in the recent past.


And I want to apologize.

I want to apologize on behalf of the people who should be comforting you, but have not and are not. And won't be.

I want to apologize on behalf of the people whose words should be salve to you, but are not. And won't be.

I want to apologize to you on behalf of a religion which thinks it has or can help ease this present radical swarm of pain and anguish a little bit, but which instead provided no substance at all. Not even partially.


I'm sorry for what has not happened. I am sorry for the portrait that's been painted. The portrait which has left you saying "is that it?"


But at the same time, it's not an accident what has happened.

You see, I think, God has authored all this.

What He has done (and is attempting to do) in this, I think, is something you won't hear preached in (hardly) any pulpit...in this land, anyway.


Let me backtrack just a little, if you'd allow the courtesy, to talk about this hunch I have.

It's just a guess at something, regarding the confusion about the pain, the circumstances leading up to now, the situation now, why God seems nowhere to be found, and why, because of that, other things are being pursued.

I don't blame you for not wanting to listen.

Most of what everyone has been saying is like that school teacher in the Peanuts comic strip to your ears: MAW WAH WAH WAH WAH, BAH DAH WAH WAH LAH. You know what I'm talking about.

I know it too. That's why it doesn't bother me that you're rolling your eyes right now.

I am sorry that people have said mostly (only?) eye-rolling things.

I'm sorry for the dispassionate words.

I'm sorry for the shallow sentences and hollow tidbits.

I'm sorry for the empty things said while a Glee-Club-grin has been plastered on the face.

I'm sorry for the attempts to inspire you with positive, encouraging, uplifting words and attitudes.

That's not where your heart is, nor where you have been.

The depth of what's going on in your heart makes their cheap ass, echoing consonants & vowels a joke.

You've been wounded for a long time, and that wound has expanded greatly as of late.

I'm sorry for the band-aids people have spewed your way, without so much as looking at you as they rush by.

I am so sorry.


I also want to apologize for what these who know better have also done.

Pretty much without their knowledge (they are oblivious to it even as we speak), they have taken on the attitude and actions of this God-forsaken culture.

Maybe it all began with a song in the mid-80's that stuck:

"Don't worry, be happy!"

This culture and the Church have told you, and are still telling you, to ignore your feelings.

They have told you, and are still telling you, to ignore your heart.

They've ignored, and are still ignoring, your questions.

Ignoring your doubts.

Ignoring your pain.

Ignoring your fears.

All you're good for to them is some rushed pat answers, some PMA rah-rah, and some psycho-babble which pukes its way out of their mouths.

The Church, just like culture, has told you to look within yourself and get through this by being strong, being determined, by deciding to be resilient, to be courageous, to stick it out, to grit it out, to be of good cheer, to pony up, that "when the going gets tough the tough get going", etc.

You know what I'm talking about. You've also heard, like I have, the umpteen million snippets about self-strength and self-reliance. These are the things that culture and the Church say together.

This culture and the Church exist on the same premises.

Sometimes, like above, they both say the same thing.

Other times they use different words to promote the same belief(s).

This culture markets to you that you should be happy. Always. 24/7. If you're not, something's wrong, and your happiness is just a product, a condition, an environment, a situation, a circumstance, some counseling sessions or a prescription medication away.

The Church markets to you that you should be blessed. Always. 24/7. If you're not, somethings' wrong, and your blessing is just a prayer, a Scripture, a financial seed, a church family, an accountable friend, some counseling sessions or a prescription medication away.

The Church is no different from the world. And, therefore, has been as pathetic and damaging as the world toward you.

Actually even worse, because of the idea people in the Church would or should "get it".

I am so sorry.


But there's that one thing more I wanted to say aside from the apology.

That thing that you won't hear being talked about in churches...let me get back to that.


Life has been hard. It's been and is difficult. Has been, and is, painful.

And yet I mentioned while ago that God has authored it.

I know, I know, you've talked to people about what's been going on for quite awhile now, and when you talk about this frustration and the difficulty they have told you things like "the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. This is all the devil's work. You just tell him to go back where he came from and get out of here. He has no claim on you. He can't do this to you. Let's pray against the dark forces in this."

More Peanuts teacher...BLAH WAH DAH WAH WAH.

I know. I am so sorry.

When they say these things, there's something inside that cringes and says "No, that's not it." Something doesn't ring a hundred percent true about it.

I'm sorry for the blind stabs in the dark.

It's kinda like law school dropouts. They have just enough information to be dangerous, in that they know a few terms and concepts to sling around, but really they don't know what the hell they're talking about.

Like I said earlier, I see God authoring this.


Huh?

Well, everyone in Christianity talks about it really fervently once a year.

By the way they talk about it, it's something, though, only for Jesus and not for anyone else.

It's talked about in this "hey, look what the martyr of this religion did. Wasn't that nice of Him? We all get to ride on the coattails of what He did. We're not expected to do the same."

The whole religion, today at least, is built around the nostalgia of talking about what the hero did a long time ago.

It's none about the idea that anyone who becomes a follower of the head cheese is to actually follow in his footsteps.


And that's simply the one thing I want to say.

He does want you to follow in his footsteps.

The guy you decided to follow? He wants you to follow.

Yeah, I know, mind-blowing concept and rocket science here.


You see, all this pain and circumstance that has led you to the brink? All this lament, all this pain, all this frustration, all this depression, all this clamoring, all this unsettledness, all this funk, all this unhappiness?

It's exactly what God has wanted...and has brought about.

When the gunk started, it's my hunch that was just the beginning where He's wanted it to go.

As things have gotten progressively worse over time? Not where He wanted them.

Things gotten really bad? Nope.

Angry and hurting? Not there yet.

Rotten? Getting there.

Pulling your hair out? That's the idea. Getting warmer.

So helpless to the point you can't take it anymore and you wish you would die?

Yes.

What no one is telling you or encouraging you to do, but what God does want and has brought you to in this pain of life, is death.

God wants you to die.

And He has led you to the cliff.


Church doesn't want to talk about this today.

There is largely lip-service and skim-right-past Jesus saying "whoever find his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life (for my sake) will find it". (Matthew 10)

Or, slightly differently said, "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it." (Luke 17)

All this stuff withering down all around you, things out of control and going haywire? It's God.

When you told Jesus "I will follow You", He said "okay".

You meant what you said. He means what He says.

All these Christians who go around saying "well, you know, we're all just imperfect sinners"? They're right.

(The shit-eating grin on their face when they say it is annoying as hell, but the words in and of themself? Yep yep.)

And since we do have things God wants to get out of us (so He can show us a better Way), He's simply brought to a boiling point. He's got those things festered to the surface now so He can get rid of the old.

By death.

But He ain't gonna do it for you. It takes two to tango in this.

Your part takes faith, a word today that is being whored like never before.

Faith is used as a word to obtain possessions, position, recognition, power, money, wealth, status, favor, etc., all in the blessed name of Jesus.

That's not faith.

Faith is stepping off the cliff to die.

Faith is actually, and literally, taking Jesus at his word when he says "if you're going to follow me...if you are going to follow me, you have to step off the cliff."

This entire religion is not about blessing and happiness.

It's about seeing if we'll step off the cliff and die.

God has brought you to the cliff, friend.

And we have to be willing to step off before anything else happens.

The basic premise of this whole thing is we leap toward death without anything to go on except the word of some crazy dude who says if we will step off then he'll do something about it.

All this talk about blessing and abundance and wealth and prosperity?

Pure bullshit.

God and Jesus want you to fling yourself off the cliff to die.

That takes faith. And there's some other stuff going on too.

The world is tugging extremely hard, for you to cure the woes with its fixes, its solutions, its answers, its offerings.

And the Church is telling you there's no way it is God's will that He would want you to lose anything. He wants you full to overflowing, blessed and happy. He wants the best for you...because He loves you.

See what I mean?

There's no mention of death preceding rebirth. No mention of our lives being something we must lose.

All the churches are talking about victory (in Jesus), and how it can be yours, mine, anyone's.

But who's talking about that first requiring that we step off the cliff and abandon what we have known as life?

That's where God has you. At the cliff.

And I'm sorry no one is talking to you about death and abandonment and forsaking all that you know and have known.

No one is talking to you about being helpless. Yet Jesus says "My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

If you want to experience what's of him, he says "step off the cliff".

Lose your life. Give it up. Let go of it.

Abandon it all.

God is not going to push you off the cliff. He's simply brought you to this point.

It's up to you whether you look at all this pain and shit as a blame-God mirage, a woe-is-me party, an excuse to try and rid the pain by absorbing yourself into what the world is offering you, or whether you'll see it for what it is: the idea that we must step off, fall and die, leaning on nothing but the words that upon doing so you'll find something that to this point is an abstract concept.

And that's where the rubber meets the road in this. Jesus is either who he says he is, or he is the biggest liar and snake oil salesman in the history of the world. It's one or the other.

His words about losing life before finding it, THAT is what we are faced with.

If you're going to find out, it's not going to be by doing or following what the Church is telling you is "Christianity".

It's going to be by stepping off the cliff, which is only one of several options, because the world and friends and church are telling you other things besides this.

One more thing I must say honestly. Stepping off the cliff is not a one-time thing.

There will be other steppings off the cliff. None of them fun. None enjoyable. All painful. Wrenching.

I love you.

Your friend

the Clean Bathroom Society

We've all been there.

That roadside gas station potty break somewhere along a trip. Or maybe just an impromptu jaunt to the bathroom at a restaurant during a meal.

Just as unpredictable as our bladders is the state of the bathroom.

The first senses that perk upon entering are usually sight and smell.

Are stray paper towels on the ground? What about random pieces of toilet paper?

Check. None or minimal.

Good.

How does it smell in here? Maybe an auto-timed refresher goes off every x number of minutes. Maybe it smells like bathroom cleaner or disinfectant. Or maybe our concern is just the absence of the smell we hope is NOT in there...

Check.

Whew. All good signs, or at least the absence of bad signs in this place.

We edge to the bathroom stall door, which though unoccupied is almost shut.

And then...we see it.

The sight that repels us as humans more than most others.

It might even induce the gag reflex among some of us.

The sight that makes us gasp "Oh my God"...if we aren't dry heaving, that is.

It's the proverbial Holy Shit bathroom stall. Literally.

There is no water in the toilet. All that is 'down in there' is a mass of feces and toilet paper.

It's so bad it makes your heart cringe for whoever's going to have to right the wrong.

Some are worse than others.

Sometimes the dung is not restricted to the toilet itself.

(I can't speak for you ladies' restrooms. Maybe the uncool in a ladies' room never reaches this level.)

I bring this up because I walked into the worst one I've ever walked into about a month or so ago.

I'll spare any more details. Save it to say it was horrible. I don't get grossed out at all, and even I was saying "wow".

The first thing I did upon seeing it was hope that the other remaining stall in that bathroom was not in similar shape.

It wasn't.

That same day the thought struck me about what happened.

It is human nature to turn up the nose, to shout "oh my God!", to curl the nose and think rottenly and nauseatingly of the scene.

Yes, we are a Clean Restroom Society.

We like things clean. We like them tidy. We like things to smell good and be comely.

We don't like filth. We don't like stench.


Thinking through that reinforced something.

Made me think of something that is not clean and dainty and pleasant, as human beings would prefer it.

Something that stinks, filled with rotten filth.

It doesn't fit within the confines of what people are willing to tolerate, what we're comfortable seeing or enduring.


And so what do we do?

One of several things.

The first thing is immediately seek a different bathroom stall. Outta there, man--pihChhooon!! (or whatever Looney Tunes noise you'd like to insert)

We don't like dysfunction. We don't like disgusting. We don't like icky.

It's natural for us to walk the other way.

Quickly.

And that's what I've run into. Largely treated like a leper by most folks.

Works for me. They've got a real high chance of being a Clean Bathroomer anyway.

If they can't immediately excuse themselves, they do their best not to let the lip curl while talking right there.

If by chance they can suppress the lip curl, though, they usually can't contain the look-over-the-shoulder, the dumb stare or the head shake as they walk away.

Second way of dealing with it: find another bathroom.

Not only do they look immediately for another stall or bathroom, they wish me to find another one too.

"Find another stall. Surely it can't be God's will that THIS be your stall in life. Jesus has a nice, shiny spotless stall right over here, see?"

"Did you know Jesus died so that you could have a clean stall?"

"God has a wonderful stall for your bowel movement." (aka, "God has a wonderful plan for your life")

(sidebar: next time someone feeds you the 'wonderful plan' gunk, reply back with the 'wonderful stall/BM' line)

"You just tell the devil to go back to his stall. This is not your stall."

"You just claim a clean stall, and God will give you one."

To mention that if I'll pray more, God will provide me a clean(er) stall.

If I'll plug into a church, God will give me a clean(er) stall.

Perhaps worse than this, which royally pisses me off to no end, is having people tell me to mentally imagine the shitty stall is not real.

"You just need to rise above this stall."

"Don't focus on this stall."

"When I think of you, brother, I think of the nice, sanitized stall God is going to give to you."

"Let Jesus lift you up to another stall."

"Think about the good stalls."

"Whatever stall is clean, whatever stall is pure...think on these stalls."

"God give you clean stall." (aka "God bless you", aka "God be nice to you")

These comments, I think, are the worst of all, because they bid me to pretend. They bid me to a world of make-believe. They bid me to ignore my heart. They bid me to be an actor.


I mentioned a few weeks ago about just puking my way through life. A friend came on and commented that though they hate to see my puking, it is so easy for them to stay beside me, handing me a glass of water or a wet towel for my forehead.

That's friendship.

That's Jesus, folks.

To follow, I think, is entering shitty stalls.

Not being fake. Just being there.

There are friends who are in here with me in mine. Not because they have to. Not because their own stalls are stenchy or oh-my-Goddish. But because they look beyond their own circumstances to the heart of a friend.

Jesus reaches a point with his disciples when he says "I no longer call you servants...now I call you friends."

How many of us have ever said to a friend "you can be in my foxhole any time".

I have.

And yet how many of us hesitate, or turn back, when that friend's foxhole reeks of dung.

And yet that dung is their current lot, their test, their hardship, their wilderness for a season, or longer.

I've done this. To my shame. To friends, to strangers, to the robbed man on the side of the road...

To angels.

To Jesus.

It's human nature to turn away.

It's of Jesus to jump down in.

If we would quit talking about being an "oasis of love" on our church websites, and actually get in the shit trenches with people, wow.

It is these nasty, unbecoming circumstances Jesus talks about when he says he is with us and won't forsake us.

And, it's been my experience, these crappy places (by human standards and appearance) are where He shows up, where He does blow the mind, supernatural stuff. The unexplainable. The miracles. The drop your jaw stuff.

He does things opposite the world.

Where pomp and order and cleanliness and showmanship and pizzazz and glitz and sizzle are? Jesus isn't...or at least not in the way he's Wizard of Ozzed to be there.

I was in a restaurant tonight and saw the name of a tv show flash on the screen. The name of the show: "The Most Beautiful Ugly".

Yeah, that's what following Jesus is...the ugly beautiful.

That's why He's not a member of the Clean Bathroom Society.

by their fruit you will know them

A few days ago I sent a comment/prayer-request to a megachurch.

I gave them a summary of my life's dips since the beginning of last year, and asked them their take on it.

After pasting a canned-text blurb about their church, proclaiming that theirs is a type of faith "that overcomes, and is not overwhelmed, dissuaded or defeated in any area of life", the reply from them ended with this personal snippet:

"our purpose is teach people to live by the Bible and the principles found in it, which will help them overcome in every area of their lives. God bless! webmaster"

Hmmm....

So I wrote back:

"do x and y will be the result.

Someone recently talked to me about the Way (as they referred to it) being about being fathered by God himself, not adhering to a list of principles (aka laws, codes, precepts).

They said following laws in the Old Testament is equivalent to people today following principles.

Living by laws (now called principles), they said, was scrapped by God a long time ago. Yet you're saying it IS about living by principles (formerly called laws).

Hmmm. Maybe that's why I can't get any synthesis from the various people I am inquiring of.

Real life for people not hovering inside a brick & mortar cocoon transcends formulas, which is why the Body largely talks out of their ass when formulaic approaches are trumped by God himself.

It's also the basis for hollow, empty comments which show the unrelatablity of 'church' to train-wrecked and piss-stained lives like mine. Wow."

So my response back to the webmaster is a microcosm of what I express on my blog. Transparent, straight up, wounded and wondering what the hell the Church is doing (cause it sure ain't about applying the salve of God). Disgust that the Church is largely dispassionate and self-absorbed inside their sanctimonious bubble.

Okay, to some of you this will be a surprise, and to some of you not.

Here is Sphincter Boy's reply back to me. Direct quote within the parentheses is exactly the response.

"James 1:14-26:

14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. 18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. 19You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. 20You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,"[e] and he was called God's friend. 24You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone. 25In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging tothe spies and sent them off in a different direction? 26As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

Luke 6:46-49
46 Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? 47I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. 48He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."

That was the reply. No dialogue. No conversation.

Just throw a couple of Scriptures out, after a kneejerk lightning-quick search on biblegateway, and voila, the wounded inquirer is put in his place, to be heard of no more. Oh, that is unless he decide to start REALLY following Jesus.

I bet if I joined their church's "Believers Club" for $60 per month I woulda gotten a different reply.

Par for the fucking course.

Some might wonder if I just make up this ire out of my ass.

No, I do actually put transparent hurt out there to Christianity.

I'm not heckling, I'm just being honest that largely the Church couldn't give a fucking rip about people like me.

Like I've been saying a long time, if you don't fit the victory or blessing mold, or don't line up within "acceptable" behavior or language as determined by the World Honorable Organization of Righteous Eclectics Society, then you're the wounded robbed man on the side of the road outside Samaria.

Not so much even an "I'm sorry to hear of what's been your lot. I don't have an answer for what's happened to you, nor can I excuse what the Church has done, or more accurately, failed to be to you. I'm simply sorry."

Nope.

Gotta use Scripture and in essence say "fuck you, vermin."

Well, he got that part right. I am effed, and I am vermin by not only the world's standards but also by the Body's.

Interesting how in the very Scripture he threw in my face he said "I will show you my faith by what I do."

Yes, you have shown me you and your church's faith by what you have done.

Loud and clear, you have shown me.

Jesus, thank you that You are not like people who claim to be Yours.

truth be told

another one stokes the fire...

Okay, before I go any further, the following is NOT preaching the choir, so to anyone who follows Jesus, this isn't for you.

Further disclaimer, this is simply a raw expression of the human heart.

If you have any prudish or propriety tones coursing through your veins, you ain't gonna like this, so please just take a break today and come back tomorrow.



ATTENTION ALL HAPPINESS AND BLESSING LEMMINGS OF THE EARTH.

YES, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU SPEND THE BRUNT OF YOUR TIME, EMOTIONS AND ENERGY PURSUING HAPPINESS AND EARTHLY BLISS IN ITS VARIOUS FORMS.

AND YOU ACHIEVE SOME OF THIS TEMPORARY EMOTION. SOME MORE THAN OTHERS.

IF YOU ARE A 'CHRISTIAN' WHO DOES THIS SAME THING, YOU THINK BY CALLING IT "BLESSING" INSTEAD OF "HAPPINESS" THAT IT MAKES IT INNOCENT AND YOU SOMEHOW HAVE GOD'S FAVOR IN WHAT YOU DO.

ATTENTION, ACHTUNG, ATENCION!!!

YOU ARE BLIND.

YOU ARE FUCKING BLIND.

YOU ARE A SNIPE HUNTER.

YOU ARE CHASING A MIRAGE, AN APPARITION, A PSEUDO-STATE.

YOU'VE BOUGHT A LIE, AND DAMN ANYONE WHO GETS IN YOUR WAY OF PURSUING IT.

YOU DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE HEARTS YOU BLUDGEON THROUGH YOUR BLIND PURSUIT.

YOU GET TO ROMP OVER WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT IN YOUR NARCISSISTIC QUEST, BUT GOD FORBID ANYONE DARE TO SAY ONE WORD TO YOU...TELL YOU EITHER NICELY OR STERNLY YOU ARE A LOST, SELFISH, HYPEREMOTIONAL BAG OF AFTERBIRTH.

GO READ YOUR FUCKING BIBLE ABOUT WHAT JESUS SAYS THE STATE OF THE HEART IS IN THOSE WHO PURSUE DIVORCE. THEN READ A LITTLE MORE, THE PART OF THE NT WHERE IT TALKS ABOUT PEOPLE FORSAKING JESUS AND TURNING BACK FROM FOLLOWING HIM.

THIS IS YOU.

YOU ARE SPITTING IN GOD'S FACE IN THIS HOUR. TELLING HIM AND HIS WAYS TO FUCK OFF.

YOUR HEART IS FULL OF REBELLION, WHICH THE BIBLE SAYS, VERY BLUNTLY, IS WITCHCRAFT.

YES, WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS BLESSED BY SATAN. SATAN LOVES WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

SATAN LOVES YOU, FRIEND.

YOU ARE OF HIS CAMP IN THIS.

"HE WHO IS NOT WITH ME IS AGAINST ME."

"THE THIEF COMES ONLY TO STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY."

YEAH, YOU KNOW THESE. THEY HAVE COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BEFORE IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS.

DID YOU SAY THEM WITH THE ALL TOO COMMON CUTE LITTLE HALF-BAKED CHRISTIAN SMILE ON YOUR FACE? THAT LIMP SMILE AND YOUR HALF-ASS, HOLLOW TONE YOU HAD WHILE SAYING THEM? FRUIT THAT THIS WHOLE CHRISTIANITY THING IS LIP SERVICE. THEN AND NOW.

"THEY HONOR ME WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEARTS ARE FAR FROM ME".

"THE MALICIOUS DISGUISE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR LIPS".

I HOPE GOD BREAKS YOU. I PRAYED EXACTLY THAT TONIGHT, THAT HE BREAKS YOU. I PRAY HE LAYS YOU FLAT OUT ON YOUR EFFING BACK. CAUSE YOU NEED TO BE.

AND IF HE DOES IT, IF HE DOESN'T HAVE IT TO BE THAT YOU GET ALL THE SLACK YOU WANT TO DO YOUR LITTLE PIG-HEADED SELFISH BULLSHIT AND TAKE HEARTS WITH YOU IN THE PROCESS, HE'LL DO IT OUT OF LOVE. YEAH, L-O-V-E IS AT THE ROOT OF HIM SMACKING YOU.

OH, AND IF BY GOD'S PLEASURE, YES HIS PLEASURE NOT YOURS, SHOULD HE LET YOU TAKE THIS SLACK OUT IN ACTION TO THE END OF YOUR SELFISH FULFILLMENT, REMEMBER THAT MERCY AND SOWING & REAPING ARE NOT ALWAYS INTERCONNECTED.

I HOPE YOU GET LAID OUT BY GOD BEFORE YOU FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THIS, FOR MANY PEOPLE'S SAKE, INCLUDING YOUR'S AND EVERYONE YOU WILL TAKE THROUGH HELL WITH YOU.

I'M SORRY TO SEE YOUR EMBRACING A LIE. BUT IF YOU DO, YOU DO.

GOD SMACK YOU, FRIEND.

DON'T INSULT ANY OF OUR INTELLIGENCE BY WISHING GOD'S BLESSING ON ANY OF US OR YOURSELF.

PART OF THIS LIE IS YOU SOMEHOW THINK GOD SMILES ON YOU IN LIGHT OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

GOD SAYS VERY OPENLY HE HATES WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

a tune that came to mind this morning...

oh, Lord, I just can't see
The cherries ever lining up for me

I'm not resigned to pull Your arm
......

For if I'll give that arm a go
What You can do I just don't know

I've come to see that less is more
And after saying that I was shown the door

So grant me less and kill me please
That's when I feel the Breath and breeze
That others will not ever feel
Yet they're the ones living in Your will

not the contender

My television tastes are highly boring. Not extensive. Nor is my movie knowledge, really, or music knowledge for that matter.

Anyway.

I've been watching some portion of this tv series where boxing aspirers are vying for a chance to legitimately contend for a world boxing title.

There's a predictable format to the show. They show the pre-fight interviews and prep. The fight itself. They show the losing boxer walking solo heading back to his locker room. Then they show both the winning and losing boxers in their respective locker rooms.

The last two times I've watched this show, it has stirred me to tears.

Not upon the announcement of the winner of the fight.

Not during the post-fight locker room clips.

What has stirred me is watching the losing boxer walking away right after the match, alone in defeat.

stark

I ran across a song this weekend that I hadn't heard in a while.

Upon listening to it and looking up the lyrics, it caused some heavy thinking about the stark contrast between the real life shit that people deal with...compared to the "let's lift our hearts up as a banner of sweet fragrance unto the Lord" stuff.

Below is real life for some people who live outside the Pat Boone, sweet, warm cocoon of Churchianity.

And the sad thing is that Churchianity is marketed as "the answer", for both the people below as well as the millions who live somewhere else along the spectrum.


"We've all seen a man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dread-locked, and full of mange
He asks the man for what he could spare, with shame in his eyes
"Get a job you fucking slob," is all he replied
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said, "Don't worry about a thing baby doll,
I'm the man you've been dreaming of."
But 3 months later he say he won't date her or return her calls
And she swears, "God damn, If find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls."
then she heads for the clinic and
she gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner
and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose

I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I've heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between
I've licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green
I've stroked the daddies dimes at least a couple of times
before I broke they heart
You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where you start

this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
get shit-faced and keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit, and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it crumbles that way
at least that's what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose"

yes...

I'm more thoroughly convinced than ever.

Eff this place.

Don't bless this country. Judge it. Judge us, Lord.

"God Judge America!"

I got my hand raised. I'll go first.

Judge me some more.

Give me some more on the chin.

Kill me in eighteen thousand more ways.

Judge every single last one of us.

Show us the lip service we give You.

Let us live our own shallowness.

Our hearts are far from You.

Reckon unto us as in times past.

Let us writhe in our own vomit.

Let us lay in our own blood and afterbirth.

Bring us to death.

Then clean us.

dichotomy

I'm blessed because my spirit is poor (aka, ripped to shreds).

You're blessed because life is going well.

I'm blessed because I mourn.

You're blessed because you have and claim "victory in Jesus" in ALL things.

I'm blessed because I am meek--I have no options.

You're blessed because you have options.

I'm blessed because I thirst for righteousness.

You're blessed because you are righteous.

reminder

"I could wish you joy and peace
To last a whole life long,
I could wish you sunshine
Or a cheerful little song,
Or wish you all the happiness
That this life could bring...

But I wish You Jesus more than anything.

I could wish you leaves of gold
And may your path be smooth,
I could wish you treasures
Or that all your dreams come true,
And I could wish you paradise,
That every day be spring...

But I wish You Jesus more than anything.

'Cause when I wish you Jesus
I've wished you everything."

thin shell II

Here's another largely accepted line that is embraced and cooed over by much of the Body:

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

This is par for the weak, feeble, shallow course.

Saw this on a church marquee about five months ago.

I don't think I've ever come across one single person who didn't smile, nod or glibly affirm this statement.

And here's the question.

I can understand that comment when life gives you lemons.

But what is your comment when life deals out pig diarrhea or goat vomit?

Tick, tick, tick.

Buehler?

Buehler?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

You largely have no answer, body of Christ. You just want to stay on the skim surface of life.

You try and paste this cutesy little phrase onto everything, literally, and the Truth is you have no effen clue what to do when people experience train-wreck emotions in life.

In the past year and a half, with shit compounding nonstop, you, Body, have wanted to just skim the surface with me and blindly thought (hoped?) that your little hollow little cliches would have any value.

Well, they have had value. Negative value of the piss off variety, leading me to go to God and say "these folks claim Your name, so why are they so blind and clueless in terms of their 'ministry'?"

You think that just because you inscribe the name of Jesus on the band-aids you run around putting on people's wounds that that's going to have some kind of Jesus-based magic fairy dust effect.

Please do me a favor.

Leave the name of Jesus out of what you are doing. And leave Scripture out too.

Cause what you are doing takes the Lord's name in vain more than my language.

The word vain means empty. And your hollow cackling is empty. My expressions are raw, honest emotions from within--the reality that the life of a follower of Jesus is not peaches and cream.

I don't give a rat's ass about your eyes bulging out and your jaw gaping when you hear the adjectives and expressions that come from within my heart. I'm letting the impurities rise to the surface--not veiling them in some societally or church-induced etiquette.

You see, I have decided to be a transparent follower of Jesus. And when you blurb out your "out of the heart the mouth speaks" scriptures about my language, you are just scratching the surface of truth.

The only thing you are able to recognize from that is that there is something going on with me.

And that's as far as you can go.

What you can't put your finger on, what you simply know is "something", is called poison.

There is poison in my heart.

And you have no clue, Body, what to do with this.

My transparency about the poison makes you uncomfortable.

You're more concerned with my choice of adjectives than you are with the anguish and the shit I'm enduring in this farce called life.

And so in these moments of discomfort you kneejerk.

When the kneejerk happens, out come the cliches, platitudes and scriptures.

Out comes your lemonade comment, that infinite pearl of effing wisdom.



For a long time I made the mistake of remaining in contact with local wounders of the heart.

I was stupid enough to think "maybe they'll come around, maybe they'll get it".

Survey says?

Ehhhh!!

One friend, who is an exception to this circus ministry, has a theory about what's going on.

He says "you know, I think there is a religious spirit that follows you around, and he hops on whoever it is you're talking to."

I think he's right. As time goes on, man do I think he's dead on about this.

Cause I have no problem telling a demon to fuck off, and that's exactly what I've felt like saying time and time and time again.

That and I've also thought of saying "you're joking, right? You can't be serious. I mean, you're a Christian for Christ's sake, and THAT is what you have to say?"

Maybe I should stop being so "nice" to people, and be transparent not only about what is going on in "life" but also about the glaring and excruciating shallowness of most of the Body.

I've resigned that any noticeable percentage of the Body is going to learn how to deal with real life issues of those around them who hurt.

I will be the guinea pig of blind stabs in the dark no more.