lights & shadows

The faces were in different places tonight.

Expecting them to be where they'd been, but they were not.

They're in new places, but only when light is at certain angles.

Is there something to that?

They were bigger.

More animated.

Darker.

Yet harmless and outside nonetheless.

They scream. I yawn.

They are more desperate.

Even their shadows are more distinct and animated.

Is that a precursor?

Doesn't matter.

Nothing changed inside.

At all.

They can see what I can't but know is there.

So what.

Seeing is not altogether required there.

There's more to it than seeing.

There's hope to see.

What's the big deal?

Who calls that shot?

as you enjoy

your perpetual victory in Jesus today (and tomorrow, next week, etc), if you can find it within yourself, realize there are other people, followers of Jesus some of them, who are in a world of shit.

Some of them don't know where their next meal is going to come from.

Some are literally pulling their hair out not knowing what to do about a circumstance they're in.

Some of them are very angry.

Some of them are being ripped to shreds.

Some of them are done with all this.

You see, as you live in your "prosperity", every day circumstantially for them is like losing a football game 77-0.

Their "life" is akin to losing a baseball game, where the opponent hits home run after home run yet all they're doing is striking out on three pitches every at bat.

And no, their opponent is not exhibiting good sportsmanship. They are rubbing their noses in the pummeling and jeering like you can't imagine.

(Your praise & worship music is drowning your ears from hearing it.)

People in these situations don't want to see a cheery smile.

The "answer" here is not what you commonly do--hope that your "positive", encouraging attitude is somehow going to rub off on them.

Comments such as "there's victory in Jesus" or "let Jesus lift you up out of your circumstances" grate against their ears when you say them.

Something deep in the core of their being says "No, that's not it at all. There's a lot more than that going on here."

Guess what?

They're right. You're wrong.

You're trying to force Kool Aid down their throat, and you don't even know it.

it doesn't matter whether they are a Follower or not, they've got a barometer going off inside of them that what you're saying "ain't it". And it's not.

This is a very shocking, wacko idea here, but it would be really cool if you who claim God and Jesus would actually check with Them about your "ministry" instead of just blabbing your fucking mouth and thinking you're doing "the Lord's work" when you are not.

Yeah, go ahead and gape your mouth if you want. This is how frustrating and pissed these people not doing so well as you get when you smear their circumstances with your positive, blessed shit.

Unfortunately most of them put on a mask and give you a congenial smile when you offer them the Kool Aid.

They take a sip of the rancid gall you offer them, and instead of being honest and blistering you for giving them that shit, they instead peter out a half-smile.

The half-smile stems from the fact you are confusing the shit out of them.

Their heart is roaring to them "bullshit", but your throwing around the name of Jesus makes them do a double-take.

I got news for you, friend. You're not on the same page with God.

Their heart is in sync with what God has put intuitively inside mankind. Doesn't matter whether they are a Follower or not.

They've got a built-in God radar way down deep inside of them, placed there by the Man Himself.

They may have repressed and squelched it for years, but now at this time, where the rubber meets the road in their life, they are attune to it.

Quit playing fucking games with people's hearts as you take God's name in vain.

You sit there on your websites and tout and herald how much you savor "connecting with God" during worship.

How about venturing to connect with Him outside of "worship"?

God could give a shit about how ooey-gooey you get in staged, purposed theatricals when you're sitting there playing guinea pig, poke-it-with-a-stick experiments with people's hearts in the name of Jesus.

why is there never

any talk about God hating?

He says He hates.

He says there are times to hate.

This is not talking about "hate the sin, love the sinner" garbage.


God hates.

And He hurts.

Not something really pondered because of our view of Him as this titanium, stoic Being impervious to pain who can do whatever He wants at any time.

Too bad God is painted and portrayed like this. Leads to a disconnect we don't really ponder to explore.

Not much tugs at a parent's heart like their child who weeps over them when they're hurting.

Selah

so this explains my life...

I'm not wearing the right colors that God wants me to wear each week.

I also wasn't aware God has a fetish for black and white...now I know (as well as two other colors per week, apparently).

Geez, this following Jesus is going to get expensive. I don't have clothes in a lot of these colors. I'm going to go have to buy some new clothes to please God.

I also (further down the page, Praise That Invites The Presence Of God section) didn't realize that God has to WANT to be with me (us), and that means raising "acceptable praise".

That blows my whole theory of Emmanuel, that God is already inside me. Makes you wonder why elsewhere on this same site it's stated "Jesus Christ indwells all believers". So which is it? Is God inside me or do I have to rub God's belly just right (spiritually or worshipfully speaking) in order for "God to WANT to be with me"?

I also now must start dissecting everything I do to figure if it is "acceptable praise" or unacceptable...

I guess I need to submit my praise intentions to the World Council of Acceptable Praise Police. Does anyone have that phone number or email address?

Oh wait, they have someone whose title is "Worship Administration" on their staff. He must be it, someone who administers worship...

Or is it the "Executive Pastor" I need to check with? A pastor CEO? Wonder how that works...

My God. If these are the requirements, er, guidelines, of a non-denominational church, I can only imagine what the requirements of stuffed-shirt denominations now are.

Oh, and one more thing. Does anyone have any idea what "(we) exist to plant leaders by encouraging disciples in their destiny" means? That is nothing but religio-babble to me, but it's on their Church Purpose link so it must mean something.

Maybe that ties in to something on their Beliefs link: "It is the Father's will for believers to become whole, healthy and successful in all areas of life." Does the fact I'm none of these tie back to my not having the proper God colors in my wardrobe?

Their site says they "accept people wherever they are", but apparently God doesn't.

I have to wear all these clothes colors and get healthy and successful and praise Him in undefined "acceptable" ways in order for God to decide if He wants to visit me.

I wonder, then, why Jesus says people who are broken are blessed...

Jesus, you apparently have no idea what You're talking about.

Damn, I have so been missing out. I'm glad I stumbled across this site, otherwise I'd continue to float along aimlessly in this earthly perdition.

Look out, you people, when my cholesterol level drops then God is going to bless my little socks off.

Wheat germ, here I come!

this weekend

This Sunday will be just another Sunday.

In many places it will be about the same temperature as the temperature in April.

There will be no particular unspoken excitement in the air.

There will be nothing "extra" that goes on.

There will be no particular bulletins printed.

No new clothes bought particularly for this weekend.

No special meals prepared.

No extra spring in anyone's step.

No wider smiles given or cordialities shown to others passed by.

No special dramas.

No particular productions.

No vividly artful bulletins. No exclamation point following the phrase on the front.



Today, this Sunday, any day is none lesser than "that" Sunday each spring.

Nor is "that" Sunday in the spring tangibly any more than today or any day.


There's way too much fake charisma going around for this to imply a call for superficial Jesus-giddyness every day.

Rather, just a note that appearances and faces, regular as clockwork (yawn), never cease to underwhelm.

blowing in the breeze...

Karini, Porocos and Tumachatu were three of twelve.

All twelve were called by name.

I can't remember the others now so well. One began with a B, another with an N.

They all have names.

They welcome company.

I hope I have a small hand when it's their turn. I sense I will.

Images that were usually there were not. They were being disturbed by the Wind.

Was that a sign of something?

Maybe, but not soon.

There's nothing else to write about this now. Perhaps much to be written later.

Much that many would not believe.

Shhhh.......don't tell anyone!

clueless

Okay. Does anyone have a clue about this shign I took a pic of?

I could only think of one thing, and for some strange reason it's giving the benefit of the doubt, so why bother...

real life

I have some friends who are getting divorced.

One of them ran into an old high school flame a couple of months ago, and lah tee dah dee dah, looky what we have here.

The other one called me this morning.

They were doing laundry last night while the other one was "out", and ran across some cum-stained underwear.


They called me on the phone this morning.

Devastated.

I was wondering how they could even drive at the moment.

Been there.

I've been on both ends of it.

I've been the adulterer and the adulteree.

For adulterers, "the road goes on forever and the party never ends".

For adulterees, anguish that literally doubles you over and is beyond human words to describe.


My heart broke this morning.

God hates this.

My friend now knows the intensity of what Jesus felt when He was betrayed.

No other situation I've been in even comes close to paralleling the fireceness of emotion in this situation.

I never had the faintest clue what it was like, until I was the adulteree.

Jesus went through betrayal while His body was beaten to a smithereened pulp, to the point He wasn't even recognizable as a human being. (Isaiah 52)


My friend got to know more about Jesus today.

Took a drink from His bitter cup.

We don't think about that when we say "Jesus, I will follow you", do we?

"I want to know Jesus...and the fellowship of His suffering".

There is nothing becoming or attractive about this. This isn't what's portrayed by today's Body about what all that church and Jesus stuff means.



I don't think we pause much to think about how strongly and how often God's heart breaks.

Especially when we whore ourselves to the world.


A few weeks ago God asked me, "Was it worth it?"

The breaking of my headstrong, haughty, narcissistic, sin-calcified neck.

The one who had told Him, "Why don't You just cut Your losses? I know I once walked with You, but I have absolutely NO desire to turn from anything. You go Your way. I'll go mine."

I was dead serious.

Six months later He was dead serious, when He pulverized those black (not white) calcium deposits I knew would "never" be broken.

"In a burst of wrath I hid My face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will with pain have mercy on you.

For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great pain and mercy I will gather you to Me again."

There is still pain. And He is still gathering.

Buehler?

And if we are His children, then we are His heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Jesus (sharing His inheritance with Him); only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory.

God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons at all.

we suck, scripture demons, circus clowns & such

Okay, it's time for a reality check here.

Criticism notwithstanding, for some time now this blog has been screaming "body of Christ, you don't get it!!!!"

I've talked ad nauseum about the shallow, hollow bullshit that churches call "Christianity".

Thinking band-aids will "fix" where open-heart surgery is needed.

Having no clue how to live/exist/talk with someone going through real-life shit.

Not really being about Jesus.


Well looky here, what happens this week?

A church-going man in Pennsylvania goes postal and shoots 12 kids (four to death) before blowing his own brains out.

The word is he was distraught over he and his wife's infant death nine years ago, as well as some molesting he did twenty years ago when he was 12.

In one of the suicide notes it's said he had been having dreams lately of wanting to molest again.

I'm sorry the man's dead. Yet I'd rather he's taken his own life than go on a molesting rampage.

There's a whole lot more to it than that, but that's another post for another time.


A friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that the reason they go to church is so that people like that man can have someone to talk to trasnparently, without getting uppity, down the nose treatment.

I think that's great.

Sadly this is the exception in churches today.

Churches are largely not about transparency. There is little freedom of expression going on, in terms of talking about what is really going on in the heart.

Some churches have a time of prayer during (or toward the end of) the service, where people can go up front, kneel at a velvet-padded altar, and pray.

When these "invititations" are made, churches stay very safe about the topics they mention.

They will say things like "If you need prayer regarding a relationship, or a job, or finances, or a marriage, come on up, we'd like to pray with you."

Typical shallow, hollow, surface Christianity.

Churches are not interested in going deep with people. Don't want to talk in-depth about real things that people are really struggling with or that are living past or present nightmares in their mind: anger, lust, hatred, rape, molestation, abuse, the list goes on...

It's stay safe on the surface, and anyone who tries to go deeper is given silent or curbing treatment so these extracurricular topics, attitudes, words and behaviors will cease at best or become a murmuring topic for other people at worst.

In some (many?) churches this silent treatment for going beneath the surface is followed up by a phone call or a meeting in the pastor's office, where the pastor in a round-about way talks about acceptable topics and behavior, and does so with a false-love tone in their voice and a plastered, shit-eating grin on their face.

And this is how we can smell religious spirits a mile away.

Anytime it's come under my thumb, come under my authority, come under the authority of this church, you shouldn't say x, you shouldn't do y, you must or must not z (and when you DON'T you get 'the business--scolding, silent treatment, 'the look', censorship, chastistement, cold shoulder, lecture, pastor meeting, etc), ding a ling a ling!!!

Warning! Religious spirit alert! Religious spirit alert!

Anyway, I've drifted, as usual...

Churches have no clue what to do with anger, nor other horrors past or present that rape people of any of a variety of dignities and dreams.

All they know to do is kneejerk and try and get the straining behavior to stop asap. Most don't give a flying flip about (gasp) digging in with someone or jumping into their shithole with them. Some will ask about what's going on, but ruin the possibility of healing or going deep by blowing the fuse with Christianese speak.

Last fall a lot of people at the church I went to at the time knew generally that I had some rancid shit going on. Two people in particular indicated to me, separately, they wanted to talk about it with me.

I knew the minute they asked they would absolutely NOT be up for it. I politely declined each of them privately.

Both of them, thinking they were ten foot tall and bulletproof in Jesus, or something, persisted.

(side bar: there are lots of demons out there. My experiences in the last twenty months have brought to light a whole new subset of demons that hop on otherwise good-hearted Jesus people. I believe there are ministering demons, positive demons, nosey demons, love demons, care & concern demons, counsel demons, advice demons, encouragement demons, inspiration demons, scripture demons, blabbermouth demons, get you to talk demons, the more words are said the better counsel it is demons, I'm God's gift to ministry demons, hope demons, let me tell you about someone who was in a similar situation whose life is now happy & blessed demons, the list goes on....)

Anyway, so even after this polite decline, I was up at the church during the day on a weekday sometime thereafter, and one of these two people comes in. I didn't recognize it then but I'd recognize it now, an I'm-God's-gift-to-ministry demon (or maybe it was a care & concern demon or a nosey demon) hopped on this person.

I should have known the demon hopped on them, cause they looked at me with a sweetmilk, buttercup, innocent, I'm your good friend, I care about you, plaster-baked half-smile and quaintly said "So how has your week been?"

Me, deciding not to placate the demon and having recently at that point decided to be raw honest and transparent and no longer play the game, opened my mouth and said...

(Before I say it, here's the tricky thing about those damn demons. They will hop on Jesus people, the demon will ask the question through the Jesus person's mouth, and just immediately before a transparent person gives the answer, the demon will hop off, leaving the Jesus person helpless and wide open to the poignant words of someone not into bullshit-Churchianity. The answer is intended for the demon, but since they've hopped off it is the innocent, good-hearted Jesus person who catches the flat side of the reply and gets whacked upside the fucking head by their brother or sister in Christ. This is how a lot of dissention is stirred up in churches by demons.)

So anyway, the demon hopped on this person at church and they daintily asked me "So how's your week been?"

I opened my mouth and (demon jumps off, leaving this person wide open) said: "Fucking rotten."

Every milliliter of blood in their face disappeared in about two-tenths of a microsecond. As did their smile.

They stared at me blankly for a second, then just turned and walked away. They did not utter a sound.

No "I'm sorry." No "oh."

Nothing. Their face said "holy shit" but they wouldn't even say that.

They purposely avoided me at church for nine months.

You know what, don't ask the question if you don't want the honest answer.

This is one of the bullshittiest things about church. Everybody's to be a robot and be "fine" or "blessed".

There is NO answer to transparency. No dialogue. No intercourse.

Raw honesty does nothing but make most Christians' ass pucker.

Contrast this with Jesus, who hung out at the homes of the most prominent sinners in town.

You think there wasn't some coarse language and topics flying around in those places?

You think Jesus gave any regulatory, squelching or acceptability stares at them?

Catch a clue, you blind fools!

Why, then, is it any surprise that a church-going man in PA went postal, and no one at his church had any clue?

Did he see through the superficiality of church, and knew it was pointless to even bring up?

Did he try to bring it up at church and all he got in reply were pat answers?

Did the people at church blow smoke up his ass, and tell him to plainly "focus on Christ"? Was it "God cares for you"?

• "Give it to God, brother"
• "You need to get past this"
• "God bless you"
• "Don't focus on your circumstances"
• "I know you've been hurt, but"
• "Jesus loves you"
• "bless your heart"
• "did you know that Jesus Christ died for your sins?"
• "God has a wonderful plan for your life"
• "read your Bible"
• "become a prayer warrior!"
• "find a good church home" (oops! He had one!)
• "join a men's group"
• "we've got a life-changing conference coming up"
• "start giving 10% of your income to God"
• "go change a widow's oil or rake her yard"
• "there's a book I think you'll like"


Maybe it was instead the self-help junk spoken by Christians everywhere:

• bite the bullet
• find strength
• be strong (which is easily spiritualized by adding "in the Lord". Ever ask anyone "how?" or "what does that mean?" when they said this?)
• when the going gets tough...
• it's not the size of the dog in the fight...
• keep your chin up
• things will get better
• things can only get better from here
• you're going to get through this
• look on the bright side (then add some cutesy phrase like "you've got a beautiful wife", family, daughter, good job, etc)
• "you should start exercising"
• "you need to find a hobby"

Just as worse as these is also people who use scripture from the bible:

• "whatever is good, whatever is pure...think on these things"
• "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord"
• "nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus"

Here's the grand fallacy about the bible.

Some think that ANY bible verse is ALWAYS appropriate and will do some kind of fairy-dust-Jesus-magic to set someone "on high" (spiritually speaking) in EVERY situation they quote the bible.

Not true.

There are times where bible verses are not "on the mark" for the situation.

This thought is fanatically opposed (yawn) by those who think (1) every situation warrants a verse, and (2) if a verse is quoted then God will "do something" with it. (There's even another bible verse they misquote to "justify" doing this.)

This is where scripture demons come around and run amuck.

This is where people think they're licensed, obligated and approved to pitch in their biblical two cents.

These verses are NOT always appropriate. They are NOT for every single situation a Christian comes across. (If they'd read the justification verse they're always quoting, they would know this.)

This ties back to one of the worst things going on in the Body today, which I wrote about at length long ago but have not talked about in awhile: the Christian Flesh.

In a nutshell, it's a term used to describe Followers making Matthew 7 come to life:

"Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

WAY too many Followers are going out and doing their own thing in the name of Jesus, unbridled on one hand and not nudged by God on the other.

They think that because they are slinging Jesus' name around (in all the verses and stories and analogies and all manner of Christian-speak they are doing of their own accord) that they are doing what God wants them to do: being a "witness", being "an encouragement", "walking in the anointing of God", "being a blessing to others".

Got news for you, buttwipes. You're not.

There's a lot of holes in the ship, folks. We suck.

Unfortunately, Churchianity is on a headstrong course that has NO interest in going beyond skin deep.

That's why church is dead.

That's why God has moved beyond church.

That's why His echo is in hardly any of them anymore...and fading fast.

We need to get on the same page with God.

We need to go where He has moved on to and (gasp) start living as He would have us, instead of this our-own-thing-in-His-name three ring circus.

gets my vote

I got an email last week that both surprised me and didn't surprise me.

An old acquaintance said he was going to a (brick & mortar) church to learn more about them. Here's the email:

"I plan to attend XXXXXXX Wednesday eve. since they are going to be discussing XXXXXX basic beliefs and theology and I wasn't raised in this denomination I thought it would be a good way to learn about it."

No, really, this was the email.

Blew me out of the fucking water.

Here's the response I drafted, but didn't send:

"I vote that EVERY Christian bookstore and EVERY brick & mortar church in the world be shut down forever. This would mean every follower of Jesus would have to (gasp) intercourse with God himself: about their life, about what the hell is going on, etc."

Receiving that email showed a lot.

It shows what an unstoppable death grip and entrancement of power churches hold over people.

Shows the extent of how sorely most people are lemmings.

Shows, unfortunately, how mind-numbingly dependent people are on the breasts of church.

"I'll let the church speak for me. Yeah, whatever he said, yeah me too."

Huh? Are we such Caspar Milquetoasts that we just brainlessly default to what other people think and say?

A friend and I discussed something relating to this recently, about talking conversationally with God.

He made the point that this scares the hell out of a lot of Followers.

"If God still speaks to people today, gosh, that would mean He may want to speak to me. What might He say?"

I don't get the reservation. At all.

And I also regretted the fact that if I were to send that draft in reply to the acquaintance's email it would sail over his head.

But I like the idea.

Have people stand on their own feet.

Strip the artificial coddling and chin-scratching and thumb-sucking going on all around.

I mean, seriously, what are we really and truly going to say to God one day?

"Yeah, Father, I know I was a bedwetter my entire life and never grew up...but You're this God of love who just forgives me and is full of grace and it's okay, right?"

Shut all these coddling institutions down, and kick people out of the nest.

Make them grown some hair on their chest, and stop this socialite bullshit stageplay.

if you're up to it

and you want to see what American culture has done to the Way, check this out.

I feel like I've just seen a Monster Truck Rally commercial or a used car lot advertisement...for Jesus.

Unfortunately this site has a different Flash presentation up from last week. Last week talked about some type of guarantee to "take you to a high place of worship", whatever that is.

This week it's "receive an impartation which will without question change your life".

Well, how can something without question change my life when I don't know wtf it is?

What the hell is an "impartation"?

Is that a fancy word for the Lottery?

Why is it mentioned as a "sound of worship that is pleasing to the Father" when it's a mime?

Watching a mime I should prepare to be "overpowered by the presence of God and the weight of His glory".

Really? That's going to happen via man instead of God?

I mean, I can understand something like this when the disciples got teleported six miles to Capernaum in true Star Trek fashion, but this?

I don't know why I don't get any sense of hype when I read the bible, even though stuff like a withered hand being healed right before one's eyes, and a man risen from the dead, and a man bit by a viper shaking it off his hand and going about his business lah-dee-dah while everyone waited for him to keel over dead, and a whole host of other things trump a skit by a long shot.

Awe and hype are worlds apart, bro.

gotta love it

Every once in awhile you hear that someone has seen Jesus' face in a french fry or a spirit's face in a plume of smoke...

Driving along I-40 this morning I saw something.

I could swear when I saw this something in my spirit said "yeah, you're an asshole". heh heh

gotta love it...