random thoughts of late...
I've got that thing going as happened recently, many thoughts and no synthesis.
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Some things need to die.
I was asked recently to pray for something to live that needs to die.
I have been praying for death. Why people think God is only into and about life is a mystery.
Do we not realize that the foundation of the Way centers around a death first? Everybody seems to only wish to focus on God's Ice Cream and nothing else.
God himself says there's a time for life and a time for death.
Why all these folks are going around claiming and hoping for and "speaking life into" situations where God is clearly authoring death is a mystery to me.
Sometimes His penmanship is a death followed by a rebirth, life. Other times it is simply Him authoring death.
Even when He authors life without death first, is it pain-free life generated abra cadabra style? Is there not discomfort and birth pangs which precede?
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Speaking of death, I am finding myself again praying for my daughter's death. That would be so much more merciful than the utter hell and shit she is growing up in. It has been awhile since I prayed this type of thing, and have come back around to it. It truly would be God's mercy.
Go ahead and gawk and shake your head if you want. Be horrified and think "I could never wish that for my child or any child". Yeah, go ahead. Enjoy your comfy, cushy little blessed world, friend. Others of us out here are going through real, utter shit in life. Cancer is not always physical little cells in people's bodies.
There are cancerous situations in life, just as debilitating and life-sucking and eroding. But praise be to God! Three weeks ago Jesus asked me "can you drink My bitter cup?" I replied "what do You mean 'can I'? What the hell do You think I've been doing for over two years? I'm taking that as 'can you handle more gall than you've already drunk'?"
Turns out I can. He certainly has proven He knew what He was talking about. Already had at least two more gulps You talked about, Riz. Gotta love The Riz (aka, Jesus the Risen Messiah for you traditional folks) for His astute prophetic knowledge.
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Wonder how many pulpits will be preachin' on the joy of agony anytime soon. Yeah, that's what I thought.
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Well, there's your good news update. 'Til next week sometime...
6 comments:
Hi
I feel inadequate to say anything after reading this post. My own life is a testimony to many of your posts the past 2 years and I do pray and ask God to take me regularly. I look with envy at people who have terminal illness!! and I don't cry at close relatives funerals, yes i know it's odd.
I have kids so I should want to be here for them. I feel bad and a bit guilty for that. I've never thought of praying for my kids to die though. That seems unfair as now they are here they should make that decision for themselves. What I see as awful might not be the way they see things. I don't know really.
Just feel some empathy with/towards you as you seem to be walking a similar nightmare to me.
Julie x
Julie,
I don't think it odd in the least, your honest heart about this.
The world and the Body deem these things as 'sick' and ill.
And yet Jesus says "blessed are those who hunger for righteousness, for they'll be satisfied".
Hmmm.
I don't have the first clue in terms of how God seems to be penning things. And honestly, I'm downright SICK of people telling me things like "God's going to bless you", etc. I'm right at the brink of telling people "Unless you are speaking to me prophetically, shut your fucking mouth."
There's not much I detest worse than people randomly chirping aimless God-laced speak out of their mouth. People left and right trying to encourage me about this and that. Honestly, they all just sound like the teacher on the Peanuts comic strip to me: mah wah wah wah wah wah. In one ear and out the other.
One of the common things I hear is "this can't go on forever, God just doesn't operate like that". It seems they want me to focus on some arbitrary, indeterminable point of "blessing" in the future.
Sorry, it just so happens I'm getting pummeled in the face by circumstances. I'd be delighted to look over at and "focus on" this other stuff you'd like me to look at, except this constant barrage of fists bloodying me is preoccupying me. But you go ahead, your life is blessed--so please, go ahead and do all the looking at and focusing on chirpy stuff.
Honestly, I think these folks are missing the main course and picking at the crumbs.
I keep getting kicked too - especially by Christians and especially when I'm obviously covered in blood and nearly un-concious!!!
The only conclusion I've come to is not to tell anyone how I really feel and the suffering i'm going through and to appear happy. Otherwise I would finish up hospitalised from the attacks from well meaning!! christians who know how to conduct my life better than me - and where would that leave my kids.
I just decided to 'free fall' recently and let go of everything. I thought I would lose my faith and turn to drink!!! but God has picked me up. I think the fact that last week I decided to stay away from church for a while was the starting point for me coming close to God again!!!
Thinking of you - really.... (not just nice God talk.)
Julie
It's pretty amazing, isn't it, Julie? That someone who is hurting would feel the need to hide and fake their way around people who claim to be (divinely) more loving and caring than others...and are in reality much worse. Inebriated actually, with psychobabble which they think is of God and it is not. (and don't think it in the least psychobabble)
I sometimes think of these folks as Surface People. They live on the surface. Skin deep is as far as they go, as far as God goes and also as people's hearts go. They apply band-aids, spiritual and otherwise, to agony and deeper life wounds, and call that ministry.
Another part of the surface is the focusing, preaching, observing and addressing of people's behavior (instead of people's hearts beyond and beneath behavior). This is a biiiiiiiiig thing going on all over the place. Huge. Pulpits, counsel and ministry that are more about Behavior Management than the heart.
You and I have things of the heart going on, and what do we come across? People passing out formulas. People speaking of f/s/hs as though they are an instant elixir. People making pat comments (scripture-laced and otherwise) that do nothing with regard to our inner core.
I know that too, getting closer to God upon pulling back from brick & mortar. Boy, did I ever have people question me with "concern" about withdrawing.
I knew I was doing what was best for my heart. Not too long after this I read "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places..." in the book.
Hmm. Often.
Doesn't surprise at all to hear of your pulling back to be more intimate with God. Church is extremely noisy, and busy, and full of surface gunk.
I must say I can't join in on the appearing happy stuff. I'm totally done with pretending on any level. Forever.
I have retreated and hibernated. Pulled back. Reduced my inner circle. Increased privacy.
Done all these things to guard my heart, but won't mask for anyone's sake.
Acquaintances couldn't believe the honest answers would continue on for so long when they'd ask "how are you?"
I know some thought I was being a spiritual hypochondriac for attention's sake. Wishful thinking. It really chaps me how temporal the expectation with regard to hardship. As if God is just supposed to cower to our prayers instead of be about what He is really about: our growth as His sons.
I'm sorry for all the blind who have disregarded you, your heart, the bleeding and the wounds. Downplayed them all and tried to brush them under the carpet...in the name of Jesus, no less.
It's not supposed to be so. That is not the Way.
Shit I am so glad I started blogging. Thanks... well perhaps thanks is not the right word. I get used to thanking the christians i know all the time in hope that it will cause them to like me or at least think I'm not screwed up. Anyway... I think like you and that helps me alot.
I was shocked when I realised that most say about 95% of Christians I have ever met only are surface Christians.
When they are faced with a situation that requires extra of their time or emotions they tune out. Very sad for the broken and messed up who need depth and sacrifice which 'religious' people can't give.
I'm going to start doin church with the mixed up messed up people I know........ stick around!
Julie
your thanks is received at face value, for what it simply is, and you're welcome.
You don't have any requirements here, Julie. There is no score being kept. Nothing being measured. You are welcome here to simply breathe and to be.
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