where's the tradeoff? A question and a testimony

Everywhere you look, the Body of Christ (and unbelievers who acknowledge the existence of God and Jesus but do not Follow) are asking God to heal them, heal their family, heal their friends, heal someone they know, heal someone they heard of.

We believe in God. We've seen or heard of Him touching others, or maybe even ourselves at some point. Do we remember what we said during that time? Did we make a bargain with God? "Oh Lord, if You'll just touch them/me I'll...."

And then...what happened? How long ago was that? How many months (or years)? Have we lived up to our promise?

Where's the change we promised Him? Where's the repentance from sin we swore? (Let's be stone cold honest--we knew at the time we bargained with Him what we needed to forsake and give up, and didn't, and possibly still haven't to this day, years later.)

Is any of this striking a nerve? Or am I the only one who did this with God?

I spent 12 years walking my own way. Still wanted His Hand over my life, still wanted safety during travel, still wanted to be blessed, blah blah blah.

Where was my end of the bargain? Where was my living in the Truth? Where was my repentance of sin (pride, anger, temper, tongue, sex, etc.)? Where was my submission to Him? Where was my yielding to the Holy Spirit? Where was my seeking Him? He had delivered. He had blessed. Where was the fruit of my promise to Him? John said "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance" (John 3:8)

The Greek word for repentance means "think differently; change your mind, regretting your sins and changing your conduct". I didn't do that. I wanted to keep doing my own thing. But, oh God, by the way, can You still bless me?

Need an example of being stiff-necked and faithless? It was me.

"if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown himself" (2 Timothy 2:13, NIV)

Here's how it reads in the Amplified: "If we are faithless [do not believe and are untrue to Him], He remains true (faithful to His Word and His righteous character), for He cannot deny Himself." (2 Timothy 2:13, Amplified)

Stop and ponder this verse, in our own lives. Without any façade of the image we portray on Sundays, to other Believers, but in the truth of what we know we live, our naked lives before God and Jesus with no sugar coating and no makeup. This verse is absolutely stunning in its revelation of the Father and Son's unconditional love for every one of us.

Man's earthly love increases with performance. God's love is. This can be a difficult thing to comprehend because of the life we grew up with or have always known. Man's love says the guilty are punished. God's love says the innocent show mercy.

Jesus remains true to His Word and His Character. It wasn't anything in me that was making Him hang in there patiently. It was Jesus being Himself.

Love is patient. Love is kind.

God is patient. God is kind.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)

God had every right to cut me off if He had so chosen. I'm not a fire and brimstone person, just honest enough to know that in terms of justice (versus mercy) He COULD have, if He'd chosen, taken me out. He is still a just God, even though with the coming of the New Testament we see more of His mercy than His judgment. He has never changed His nature of righteousness and holiness.

I am still here (obviously) and no longer stiff-necked. What happened? The following verses fromIsaiah 54 happened in my life:

"4Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not [seriously] remember the reproach of your widowhood any more.
5For your Maker is your Husband--the Lord of hosts is His name--and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called. 6For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore--even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God. 7For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you [to Me] again. 8In a little burst of wrath I hid My face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer." (Isaiah 54:4-8, Amplified Bible)

During my twelve years of stiff-neck living, I knew I was not walking as He would have me. Yes, His Hand was still over me, and every once in awhile (rarely) I would yield to the Spirit to further His Kingdom.

I was simply not willing to be sold-out to Him. I wanted Him to be Savior, but did not want Him to be Lord. (The translation for "Lord" in the original Greek means "master, ruler, in control".)

I was not willing to judge myself and repent. I wanted to have my cake in life and eat it too. Wanted God's blessing, but didn't want to repent, walk with Him, live the Word or be available to the Spirit for His leading (except when convenient, and it didn't involve forsaking those cherished sins).

So...since I was not willing to judge myself, God decided to make Isaiah 54: 4-8 come true in my life. I love verse 8. "In a little burst of wrath I hid My face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer".

I look back on the life of sin I was living. Absolutely unpleasing to God--I was doing things He hates ("feet that are quick to rush into evil", Proverbs 6:16-19).

God was justified to do whatever He wanted to with my life, due to my willful disobedience. In His mercy, He chose "a little burst of wrath". He could have taken me out. He could have altered my physical life as I know it. He could have done anything He'd wanted to get my attention, and been justified in doing it. (Again, I am not a fire and brimstone kind of guy. Just being honest about my life of sin compared to God.)

Don't be deceived. What He did to give me a wakeup call was not pleasant. But know this, it was "a little burst of wrath". It was not long and drawn out. Definitely got my attention, and laid me on my back so I had no choice but to be looking up to Him. It was mild and merciful compared to the degree of hardness in my heart which I had lived for years and years.

When He did it (out of necessity, since I wouldn't repent myself), He also fulfilled the rest of Isaiah 54:8, "with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you". God's judgment stung, and boy did it get my attention, but as only He can do He simultaneously bathed me in His Love. As He corrected me He loved me. As He rebuked me He healed me. As He broke me He also restored me unto Himself.

"God will bless us, and all the ends of the earth shall reverently fear Him." (Psalm 67:7, Amplified Bible)

I don't think I had ever read this verse until recently, or if I had it has been way too long. This verse is EXACTLY what is one of the plagues in the Body of Christ in America today. Every single person who claims His Name wants His blessing, but how many of us are reverently fearing Him? We cry out to Him to help and bless, but we largely turn a deaf ear to His longing for us to live and walk with Him.

There is a permeating, one-way, "give me, give me, give me" stance in an awful lot of people toward God.

Are you married or in a relationship today? What if the totality of your relationship with your spouse consisted ONLY of your spouse talking to you day after day about things they want you to do for them. They come to you, talk to you, share with you, give you their list of things they'd like you to do. Then, every time they talk to you, after telling you what they want, they just turn and walk away.

You are given no opportunity to respond. No opportunity to react. No opportunity to show how what they said meant to you. No chance to express how their requests would or wouldn't blend into your relationship. No chance given to discuss those things in a two-way conversation. No opportunity to say one word to them in return. They're gone before you even open your mouth. You have no window to either acknowledge them, give them your thoughts or counterpoints to their wishes, or say anything to them about things you'd like to request as well.

What kind of relationship would this be? Does this not define a portion (or majority) of Americans' relationship with (or view of) God? Is He someone we just dump our wants to, then walk away?

Where is the tradeoff in our relationship with God? Where is "be still, and know that I am God" in our lives (Psalm 46:10)? Where is not just our giving God a laundry list of what we want Him to do, but stopping...and listening to Him to see what His response is to what we say and request, His direction for us, how He wants us to handle situations, what He wants to teach us about XYZ that we're going through?

Is the core of our Christianity not: "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me" (Luke 9:23)?

If we're Believers, we already have God's blessings. Are we living this deny/take/follow in our lives, or do we spend most of our time in a lopsided, mainly (or exclusively) one-way conversation with God, sucking our thumb in front of the Almighty? Spoiled babies who just let Him know what we want and need. "Give me more, more, more, God! Oh yeah, in Jesus' name."

Are we ever like this? Seldom (or never) listening to Him in return, thinking we're powerless to overcome (or have no interest to repent of) sin in our lives. Not so much seeking His direction in prayer, just please bless my life, God.

Where is our judgment of ourselves in our lives of sin as Christians? I was too stiff-necked and enjoyed sin too much to judge myself and throw myself before the Throne in repentance. Guess what--God did what I wasn't willing to do. And He'll do it for you to? Why?

"And this is the will of Him Who sent Me, that I should not lose any of all that He has given Me, but that I should give new life and raise [them all] up at the last day. For this is My Father's will and His purpose, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in and cleaves to and trusts in and relies on Him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up [from the dead] at the last day." (John 6:39-40, Amplified Bible)

Jesus doesn't want to lose you. It was God Who drew you to Jesus for your salvation (John 6:37). Then God entrusted Jesus with your keeping. Jesus does not want to lose you. In verse 39 above we see that it's God's will that Jesus not lose you. Jesus will go to the Father as our Advocate (1 John 2:1) when we sin.

Did you know the original word that "advocate" comes from is the same word "lawyer" comes from? Jesus not only pleads our case before the Father in terms of sin ("Here's My Blood, which cancels the penalty for sin") but also to reason with God when we are rebellious and defiant in our sin.

I can just imagine God on the Throne, after watching me walk right into sin year after year, talk with Jesus, my lawyer:

God: "I know that You paid the penalty for his sin, but he just keeps going back and back to his sin, willingly."
Jesus: "Yes, I know, but My Blood covers a multitude of sin."
God: "This pattern must be stopped. He is habitually and willingly doing the same things over and over again. He is not walking by My Word or by My Spirit."
Jesus: "I understand, but his sins are as far as the east is from the west because of My Blood. Forgiveness of 70 times 7, even within one day, is covered by My Blood. There is no shortage of My Blood, ever, to cover his sins."
God: "He is not walking as he should, and is in a very bad rut of sin and there is no sign or desire in his heart toward repentance. I drew him to You those many years ago, then entrusted You with his keeping until the final day."
Jesus: "Yes, You did, and it is Your will that I not lose him."
God: "I am slow to anger, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance."
Jesus: "Yes, you could have taken him out by Your justice, and by Your Grace you have not. He is in a pattern of sin, which is forgiven by the price I paid for him. Would you be willing to simply touch his life in a burst, enough to wake him up, that he might look to Me again? It is not your will that I lose him, but I agree, he is so stuck on what he's doing down there that he is not seeking Us. He is not abiding in Me (John 15:4-6), and not bearing good fruit (Matthew 7:19) I ask You to have mercy on him because of My sacrifrice. I ask for your mercy on his behalf. Shake his life, and I will do the rest."
God: "I shall do as You have requested."

I wasn't in Heaven when this conversation took place. I was so out of tune from following Him I didn't see His merciful and corrective burst coming. I knew what I was doing (and not doing) in life. I knew of God's righteousness and what Jesus did for me on the cross, but I wouldn't . It wouldn't surprise me at all if this was pretty close to the conversation that took place.

God is holy, folks. You cannot be in His Presence otherwise. He has never wavered from being holy. Neither has He wavered from being merciful either. "For a brief moment I hid my face from you in a burst of anger, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer." (Isaiah 54:8)

Did I ponder the course of my life occasionally? Sure. Did I want to repent? No. Was I going to? No.

I had conversations over several months in 2004 with an old high school friend, with whom I had been very tight in the Lord during high school and college. He would check in with me weekly, just to see how things were going.

I didn't pull any punches with him. I told him I was simply unmotivated. That I couldn't find the fire I once had. That I just didn't have the Hunger. My buddy was compassionate and empathetic. He remained steadfast in prayer for me. Little did I know his prayers would be answered, when God did His burst, to bring me to my knees.

I'll tell you something scary. I knew I was in constant sin, and though I knew it was wrong I had no intention to give it up. Though I hadn't been in the Word in years, to my mind several times came the verse talking about people's consciences becoming totally seared. I pondered occasionally if my conscience had become totally seared, if my heart had become too hardened. I guess I still had a little bit of a conscience left if I was sitting there wondering that, but it was not enough conscience to repent.

Where are you today? Are you a Believer in sin against which you feel helpless? Are you unmotivated to repent? Is it a little bit stronger for you, are you wondering if your conscience has been seared, like I wondered? Have you become lost, after being found years ago? If you stood before Jesus right now, would He say you are abiding in Him and bearing good fruit?

Are you denying yourself, taking up your cross daily and honestly following Jesus, or are you just playing a look-good-smell-good Sunday game as many do? Maybe you're out of fellowship, like I was, for years. Wherever you are, remember first and foremost the same thing you have told others in the past. Remember? God is merciful. He loves you. He welcomes us and all our filth with open arms. He doesn't care about the filth. He cares about your coming back to Him and embracing Him. His number one and only thought right now is simply you. You coming to him, stinky or smelly or in need of repair as you are. He'll take care of that, so don't get caught up on your condition or where you are. He just wants you to come to Him, filthy and all.

Jesus has been your Advocate before God regarding your life. Jesus has pleaded His Blood to the Father time after time after time on your behalf--and He has done so gladly, willingly, tirelessly and faithfully. "If we are faithless, He remains faithful" (2 Timothy 2:13).

Think of a human judge. They are fair but firm. They may show leniency and mercy from the bench, but even if doing so they want the offender to learn a lesson about what they have done. They do not want repeat offenders. They want people to learn from what they did, and not continue in their ways that brought them before the judge.

If human judges are like this, how much more our Heavenly Father--not wanting you to continue on in what you're doing, but instead wanting you to come back to Him. Some of you reading this have experienced His supernatural touch in your life: supernatural healing, operating in His gifts, experiencing His Power. And yet to look at your own life now, those days and that person in Him that you were seem so far removed.

Absorb this with the entire sponge of your soul: God does not want to judge you, friend. He wants you to judge yourself, according to His Word. He wants you to return to the closeness and sweetness you once experienced with Him. He wants you to come back to Him. He does not want to hide His face from you for a brief moment in a burst of anger, like He did in my life, then with "age-enduring love and kindness have compassion and mercy on you".

I hope as you read these words you will think of God's Truth and His Word. He is a Gentleman, and is not going to force Himself or His Word on you. Just as you have chosen Him in the past, He wants you to choose Him again.

What are you doing--running from God? There's no place to hide. Just like in the garden when God said "Where are you?" to Adam. God already knew where Adam was, and He knows where you are. You have run from the Truth, but there is nowhere to go. Even though Adam had sinned, he was honest with God and said 'I'm hiding." Will you have both the guts and the smarts to admit to God you're hiding? This is not the time to proclaim what a good picture of yourself you've painted to mankind of yourself. We're talking about the truth, that you and God both know.

I knew in my life there was nowhere to go. I was honest enough about my sin to the point I wondered if I had become too hardened in it to come back to God. I knew I couldn't hide from God in sin, but it had its grip on me and that's where I stayed.

Realize this. Let this sink into the core of your soul regardless of where you are: Jesus does not want to lose you. He is your Advocate before the Father regarding your sins but also regarding your life.

He understands your lack of motivation. He is without sin, but He understands mankind's love for darkness and not wanting to come into His Light (John 3:19).

Here's the Truth we face. Jesus calls us to repentance: "I have not come to arouse and invite and call the righteous, but the erring ones (those not free from sin) to repentance [to change their minds for the better and heartily to amend their ways, with abhorrence of their past sins]." (Luke 5:32, Amplified Bible)

Remember both the words of John the Baptist and Jesus:

"Bear fruits that are deserving and consistent with [your] repentance [that is, conduct worthy of a heart changed, a heart abhorring sin]. And do not begin to say to yourselves, We have Abraham as our father; for I tell you that God is able from these stones to raise up descendants for Abraham." (Luke 3:8, Amplified Bible)

"Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire." (Matthew 7: 17-19, Amplified Bible).

Jesus continued in Matthew 7:
""Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." (Matthew 7: 21-27, Amplified Bible)

"Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing. If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a [broken-off] branch, and withers; such branches are gathered up and thrown into the fire, and they are burned." (John 15: 4-6, Amplified Bible)

"And he who does not take up his cross and follow Me [cleave steadfastly to Me, conforming wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying also] is not worthy of Me." (Matthew 10:38, Amplified Bible)

Friend, these Scriptures are Truth. There is no feel-good, itchy-ear, your-sin-is-okay message to be shared with you. Jesus calls us to repentance, to turn from sin.

Does your life reflect this man's, to whom Jesus spoke:

"As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. 19You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'"

"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth." (Luke 10:17-22, Amplified Bible)

Do you value sin above the willingness to forsake it? Do you weep, because of sin you're holding onto instead of surrendering it? Are you unwilling to deny yourself and follow Him?

This is where I was.

There could be no stronger encouragement to you than this: come to the Father, your hurt, your anger, your sin and all. Just come to Him. Have an honest talk with Him. Share with Him your heart, your disappointments, your lack of motivation, your love for sin or the sin(s) of biggest struggle.

Jesus' resurrrection from the dead demonstrates power over sin, which He offers us, to be free and victorious. He offers it, and it's there.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship." (Romans 8:15, NIV)

Do you need to be free? Have you become a slave again to sin? Or a slave to fear, from knowing the Truth but you're in a backslidden place in life?

Know this, there is mercy and forgiveness waiting for you. Stop, and absorb this into the core of your soul. Come before Him, judge yourself and receive His mercy.

He will judge you if needed, if that's what it takes. And if it comes to that, He'll do it because He loves you and doesn't want to lose you. He did this to me. He left the ninety-nine to find the one who had gone astray (Matthew 18:12-13).

He doesn't care what you have done. His desire for you to come back pales the absence from your walking away. He wants to shower you with the best garment and have a grand feast upon your return to Him. Come to Him.