I'm not wearing the right colors that God wants me to wear each week.
I also wasn't aware God has a fetish for black and white...now I know (as well as two other colors per week, apparently).
Geez, this following Jesus is going to get expensive. I don't have clothes in a lot of these colors. I'm going to go have to buy some new clothes to please God.
I also (further down the page, Praise That Invites The Presence Of God section) didn't realize that God has to WANT to be with me (us), and that means raising "acceptable praise".
That blows my whole theory of Emmanuel, that God is already inside me. Makes you wonder why elsewhere on this same site it's stated "Jesus Christ indwells all believers". So which is it? Is God inside me or do I have to rub God's belly just right (spiritually or worshipfully speaking) in order for "God to WANT to be with me"?
I also now must start dissecting everything I do to figure if it is "acceptable praise" or unacceptable...
I guess I need to submit my praise intentions to the World Council of Acceptable Praise Police. Does anyone have that phone number or email address?
Oh wait, they have someone whose title is "Worship Administration" on their staff. He must be it, someone who administers worship...
Or is it the "Executive Pastor" I need to check with? A pastor CEO? Wonder how that works...
My God. If these are the requirements, er, guidelines, of a non-denominational church, I can only imagine what the requirements of stuffed-shirt denominations now are.
Oh, and one more thing. Does anyone have any idea what "(we) exist to plant leaders by encouraging disciples in their destiny" means? That is nothing but religio-babble to me, but it's on their Church Purpose link so it must mean something.
Maybe that ties in to something on their Beliefs link: "It is the Father's will for believers to become whole, healthy and successful in all areas of life." Does the fact I'm none of these tie back to my not having the proper God colors in my wardrobe?
Their site says they "accept people wherever they are", but apparently God doesn't.
I have to wear all these clothes colors and get healthy and successful and praise Him in undefined "acceptable" ways in order for God to decide if He wants to visit me.
I wonder, then, why Jesus says people who are broken are blessed...
Jesus, you apparently have no idea what You're talking about.
Damn, I have so been missing out. I'm glad I stumbled across this site, otherwise I'd continue to float along aimlessly in this earthly perdition.
Look out, you people, when my cholesterol level drops then God is going to bless my little socks off.
Wheat germ, here I come!
2 comments:
OK Now you have really done it. You have rendered me speachless. well ok manybe not. Why must you continually shine a light on all that is ludicrous in the church? I feel like a spiritual rubbernecker staring into a car wreck. This is just so darn queer i don't know where to begin. Yeah keep looking for God's G-spot. He's not a freaking woman for pete's sake. Well sorry kid, you can't get into heaven on account of wearing the wrong color. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!!!!That's all I have to say about that. I can't think about it anymore or I WILL puke. Aw somebody musta replaced the pew bible's with this month's vogue.
hey, I don't have to find this stuff...it finds me.
I'm just dumb enough when I pass a church or a billboard to actually check out their website.
the Church provides their own abysmal, car-wreck, not-the-Gospel material.
I pretend to be some dumb, ig'nant unBeliever who decides to go to their site and check it out.
They're the ones that go off into religio-babble and Christianese-speak that makes absolutely no sense.
Today I made the mistake of clicking on a link on their site where some lady was giving voice lessons for singing.
Not three minutes into the mp3, she was talking about this singing workshop, and talked about "this is to protect you, to know that you're doing it right...so that you can walk in all your authority in that (singing)".
When I sing I am "walking in my authority to sing"?
Hmmmm.
Churchianity is on a feeding frenzy with all this bullshit, and doesn't even realize it's eating its own tail and killing itself.
There are a lot of holes in the ship. And it's not so much that Churchianity censors talking about them as much as it is that Churchianity doesn't even perceive there are any holes there.
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