I'm closing in on two years in a barren, desolate, hell of a wilderness in life, and there are two things which the Body just cannot help but continue to pound me about:
(1) is my life blessed yet?
(2) what kind of fruit am I bearing for God/for the Kingdom/for the Church during all this?
To the first question, I just this last week received (another) email from someone asking "are things any better?"
This makes as much sense as the small group people I used to hang with EVERY week asking "so how is x? has anything with y changed?"
Um, fucking "no". Don't you think if the season in my life had changed there's a slight chance I would have called you all and spread the good news? Don't you think I'd have unspeakable joy radiating around my being and overflowing from within me, and you would have known when you walked in the door that something was up?
But alas, since you did not get a Master's degree in Nonverbal Communication, I should cut you slack and not think you an idiot for those months of pouring salt in my fucking wounds week in week out.
I'm so sorry. Yeah, that's all on me. I'm a jerk. How dare me to think you would have two brain cells to rub together and have a clue based on my nonverbals.
And here's another thing I'm sure I am to apologize about. Week in week out you would sometimes ask me how I was doing (aside from asking about circumstances).
I'm sorry I answered "not good, honestly", "up and down" or "bittersweet" when you would ask. Other times I would shrug my shoulders and say "ehhh".
If I felt like making you laugh I would say "partly cloudy" or "mostly cloudy". That always made you chuckle.
I'd follow that up by saying "partly cloudy is about as good as it ever gets". More truthfulness to let you know things are just not happy clappy...still.
I am so sorry I was not and still am not Mr. Sunshine for you.
I used to think that you wanted things to be better for me because you loved me or "cared", but as time wore on I could see that it was really because you were tired of hearing me be truthful. Your patience wore thin. You wanted me to say "fine" or "blessed" like everyone else in church expresses when asked how they're doing.
You had no interest in really getting down in the nasty, nitty gritty shithole of life with a brother.
Don't think I didn't see your frustration and impatience building up about me over time. It was undeniably obvious. You tried to keep that "positive" Christian smile on your face, but it was so easy to see right through that.
I am so sorry that God does not operate on YOUR timeframe for things.
And do you think for one second that I want this going on any more than you do?
All you had to do was hear about it. I'm the one who is living it. I guaran-damn-tee you my anguish trumps your compassion by, oh, about umpteen fucking kazillion trillion, conservatively speaking.
And I know you wouldn't want to be in my shoes, because you were kind enough to say so much.
"I can't imagine..."
"There's no way I could ever do that."
"Brother, I don't envy you."
"God bless you, brother."
Etcetera.
There were other times I saw it in your expressions.
When I told you I have literally gone through the exact same emotions as Abraham when he took Isaac up on the mountain, being willing to sacrifice on the altar (not figuratively but literally), you had a blank stare.
I saw what you were thinking, you didn't have to say it. And I'm okay with that. Our stories are not identical, and I don't expect mine to become yours.
I know telling you that nudged you to ponder some things you'd not thought about. That wasn't why I told you, but that was good fruit. In addition to why I told you, it also prodded you to weigh some things you've never weighed before: about God, about faith, about life, about treasure, about a host of things.
So to get back to your question, no, my life is still not "blessed" (as you define blessing).
See, your "faith" revolves around the idea that God primarily exists to fill the potholes and level the speedbumps that come along in life.
His job, His duty is to make everything smooth again. Life doesn't go flawlessly, and when it doesn't God, You are to make things comfy again, right away. According to us.
I just don't see this as the primary charge of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Don't see it as the centric premise of the religion.
I used to be amazed in small group to hear how everyone's prayer requests were being answered by God in one week, two weeks, sometimes six weeks.
Amazing. Truly. I am glad for all of you. Seriously.
Oh, and also toward the end of each time we were together we would go around the circle and everyone (except me) would talk about how close to perfect their week was.
It was so obvious that was the goal. When someone would have a week with no potholes or speed bumps, oh how the smiles beamed across the faces, and oh how the coos and ahh's resounded from the peanut gallery.
I never had a week like that. I'm sorry.
Actually, let me apologize on God's behalf, because a year and a half ago I made a grave mistake.
I went to God and said "I want to get on Your page. I want to be a part of what You are doing in all this."
Huge mistake, if you know what I mean.
You see, pretty much everywhere in Churchianity today what is being preached, taught and embraced goes something like this:
"Invite Jesus into your life"
"Invite Jesus into your heart"
"God wants to bless your ______" (job, marriage, finances, life, relationships, etc)
I did the opposite of this.
You see, I told God I wanted to be a part of HIS life. I wanted to come into HIS heart.
I wanted to become a part of what He is doing--not ask Him to come observe or be a part of what...I am doing.
And you see, friends, when I did this I cut off the limb I was sitting on.
I hungered for God to help me in my circumstances.
Yet when I told Him I wanted to get on His page, and be a part of what He is doing, that meant I would also be embracing His timeframe and His timetable for things.
When God is given the freedom by His children to do things His way, He doesn't operate on chronological time. Watches and clocks are put away when we give God this liberty.
And that really sucks for those who want my life to be better today, next week, next month.
Trust me, it doesn't suck nearly as much for you as it does for me. At the same time, there are riches and treasure in so doing that many who restrict God to be nothing more than their Great Fixer will never know.
Above the sucking, I hope you can nibble on the idea that when we become part of what Father, Son and Holy Spirit are doing (instead of the other way around), we give Them tremendous freedom.
Doing so removes Them from stuff like "when are You going to do this", when are You going to do that, when are You going to answer this prayer, when are You going to bring that about, blah blah blah. (Which seems to be how most of the prayers I hear are phrased.)
It is such a breath of fresh air for God when He is freed from our incessant toe-tapping, wrist-staring and request-making. When He's allowed to just be, instead of ten-hut to our demands, er, commands, er, "prayer requests".
Have we ever paused to ponder that God (tangibly, not figuratively) has a life, just like we do? What is it?
What is God's life? Would we venture to be a part of what He is up to?
Might we desire to become part of His heart, instead of asking Him to be in ours? What would that be like?
It hasn't been my experience that doing so predicates a pleasant, bubbly or circumstantially blessed life. It will test your mettle. Boy howdy, will it.
Yet you'll know you're a true son instead of a bastardized one (Hebrews 12, verses 5-13).
Embarking this way does not engender you toward bliss, friend.
You'll see facets of God you have not heard (and will not ever hear) in a brick and mortar church.
(It would lead to membership depletion, and churches with mortgages can't afford that. It's all about the memberships and numbers, baby.)
Enough writing for now. More on the second question, fruit basket turnover, later...
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