shhhhhh

I've been thinking about this for a long long time. I wonder why abuse is a hush-hush topic in church and in life. There's a chunk of sexual/physical that is continually going on, however even more untalked about are the other forms: emotional, verbal, psychological and manipulational.

It's a taboo topic in church. Don't ever recall it being talked about in the open, frankly. I have rarely seen people bring it up in round-about ways, only to see the Church ram verses down their throat to shut them up from talking about it and further entrap them in this hell.

The few I've known who have talked about it always mentioned it sheepishly and embarrassingly at first. Once they saw I didn't draw back in horror, over time they wished to talk about it some more and there was some really good talks and salve.

I know others who have wished to be honest enough to talk about it, only to see the lump get too large in their throat and they said nothing. I know what they weren't saying by their silence, and that's okay. If they weren't to a point to talk it's okay, I do not push ropes down the road.

The only type of abuse that generally (occasionally) makes headlines is sexual/physical. I find it interesting both in society and in the Church the infrequency that all types of abuse rise to the surface given the frequency of occuring.

I grew up in a 'Christian' home where abuse was frequent (emotional, verbal, psychological, manipulational). One of my parents engaged in this.

My other parent was stuck between a rock and a hard place: if they spoke up about it the venom would become directed toward them. And it's not that they couldn't hack it, but they were an avoidant-type person with regard to conflict and so essentially the abuser had free reign to do as they wished.

The non-abuser dealt with the abuse (which was directed at all family members, spouse and children alike) in a way which in hindsight I understand, however it also left the abuser unbridled. The non-abuser's way of dealing with the abuse was: don't add fuel to the fire and the fire will burn itself out.

Fires do burn themselves out, however there was never any conversation between the non-abuser and me/us about the burning and damage which took place while the fire burned. One of my siblings to this day is very regretful toward the non-abuser for not stepping up on our behalf. The whole thing is water under the bridge for me, put to bed long ago. It is something I learned from and, more importantly I think, something I have put safeguards in place to prevent ever again being treated like a garbage can with a hairy lid, being available for them to dump their refuse at will.

We all got scalded, except the abuser of course, and even as kids we were essentially left to ponder the confusion: I've got this parent, blood relative, who professes this deep love for me/us, yet treats me/us like dog shit. Yet I notice something. Whenever we go to church they take on a completely different disposition, one that is bridled compared to the hell they spew everywhere except in the public limelight.

A true Jekyl/Hyde environment, with the abuser being Hyde 95% of the time, which no one at church, school or social circles knew existed. And boy were they skilled at flipping the switch on and off quickly.

I have talked off and on in this blog about masking and pretending. I grew up seeing it and, regrettably, engaged in it myself in the past in terms of masking pain which I didn't feel like talking to anyone about. In the 90's I was involved in a church while at the same time going through some strong swirlings in life. I had a couple of close friends, but never reached a point where I was nudged to talk.

And so, even though I had some stuff I was dealing with internally it was "doing fine, brother, God is good" whenever people would ask. I'm familiar with this fronting. I also know what it is to deny the turmoil in my heart and life. No more. (I know, big surprise...)

And so I'm not unaware about the masking and projecting a certain image which are the reality in many lives. I'm not unaware of the overt brainwashing actuated by most of the Church today, trying to convince people with Godspeak and bible verses to mask and pretend. It really angers me that the Church promotes posing, talks of "winning our community" or "the world" for Jesus, and messages that things are "great" in their midst...when there are wounded and abused in their own pews who are neglected prisoners.

I visited a church this last summer. This church would be considered "alive" by most's consent, I think. During the service not one but two people said the following, verbatim:

(Music Minister): "Boy, I'll tell ya. When I'm feeling down I just begin to praise Him, and I don't feel bad for long!!!!" This was met with applause and many vocal acknowledgements by the people.

(Preacher, during the sermon): "Sometimes people come up to me and say 'Pastor, you don't look like you're doing too well.' I tell them 'Well, it may look that way, but I'm doing fine.' And they say 'No, really. I mean it really looks like something is really going on that's not good.' And I tell them 'Well, that may be so, but I know Someone Who can change things." This was again met with a host of vocal affirmations among the people.

So the Music Minister markets Jesus like a drug. Jesus, an elixir pill who works instantly and every time to cure our woes, guaranteed. On the MM's heels, the pastor during the sermon trumpets his own masking when something of severity is going on in his life. And, I can only assume, since he is considered the leader of that flock of people, he is instructing his people to do likewise. It sure was spoken of as definitive m.o. for followers of Jesus.

Interesting how Jesus angrily denounces this very thing, yet it's heralded as the Way by the Body.

These things taking place are the norm and not the exception. People who are bruised and abused are not to rain on the Blessing Parade in today's Church. (Yet so many churches say they are a loving, caring, welcoming people.)

Here is what the Church offers the bruised and abused:

• praise your way out of it
• ingest the Jesus pill and you just watch what happens
• God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life
• even if shit is going on, shove reality under the rug and tell people you know Someone
• tithe (more), and watch God bless the socks off of every area of your life, beginning immediately
• this is an attack of the enemy, who wants to take you out
• what unconfessed sins have you not brought before God?
• read the bible (more)
• become a Prayer Warrior (more)
• I'll/we'll be praying for you
• join a small group
• apply these biblical principles in your life

And then, of course, there is the litany of bible verses and Godspeak which dictate to people to stay in abusive situations:

• turn the other cheek
• if you live with an unbeliever, you can win them to Christ with your good deeds
• God is all about family
• "give us 8 weeks, we'll give you a dynamic marriage"

The list goes on. How incredibly shallow, huh? Got news for you in case you can't see it here: saying any of these things to the abused or wounded is like telling someone with a severed spinal column to go suck on some throat lozenges. Totally unrelated, clueless and of absolutely no good whatsoever. In my opinion, calloused and heartless as well.

At the epicenter of these messages: don't crash the party and leave your muddy shoes at the door.

So, by all this, what message is given by the Church into those enduring abuses of all types? Well, first of all it's not given the floor to be mentioned because of how festive things are supposed to be. If someone does go out on a lark and talk about it, it's generally hush-hush. Or, don't focus on the reality of what is going on: God is big, He is able, He can turn things around, just give Him a chance--you'll see, have faith. Leaving the situation (or even putting your foot down, really) is out of the question, not an option.

What are the forces that hone this in the Church? Well, one thing is the generation of Church people who are 50 or older. They were taught by the generation(s) before them that you simply take things on the chin. There are things you keep to yourself and don't mention. There are taboo things that you just don't talk about (either in church or with people in general). It was just the way it was in previous times, and there is still plenty of this residue still around today.

Add to this the Party atmosphere in/about church and God and the "focus on the positive" mentality of Western culture, and voila: the Church does NOT engage the abused and wounded. Nor are they tangibly cared for in any true sense. They're treated as a fly in the ointment. They are dirtying the carpet and the atmosphere in these wonderful edifices. How dare you.

I was talking with a friend two years ago about the church we both were going to at the time. They told me that the church formerly had driven the church van downtown on Sunday mornings and brought a van-full of homeless out to the church for Sunday morning service, etc.

I asked him what happened. He said "Some of the members had a problem with them being there. It was such a stir that the church brought it to a vote, and the vote was to stop bringing these folks."

Churches are doing things like this, and you think someone with what is viewed as dirty laundry senses any kind of liberty to talk?

Oh, and then add to this the gossip factor that goes around, and the probability that people will murmur and whisper instead of jump down in the hole with you, put their arm around you and tangibly love. Another let's be honest, today's Church is not interested in getting down and dirty with people. There is not a welcome mat for those who have warts.

If you're clean, if your life is somewhat/mostly "together" then you're welcome and will fit nicely into our middle-class country club. If you can't do for yourself or have anything unbecoming about you, you'll get the signals. We'll send them silently at first, overtly if necessary. This is both my personal experience and my ongoing observation.