an apology to a friend

Dear friend,

I know these last few months have been excruciatingly painful.

I know stuff has been going on for quite some time.

I know, because I've seen the hurt beneath the smile.

That pain has amplified magnitudes in the recent past.


And I want to apologize.

I want to apologize on behalf of the people who should be comforting you, but have not and are not. And won't be.

I want to apologize on behalf of the people whose words should be salve to you, but are not. And won't be.

I want to apologize to you on behalf of a religion which thinks it has or can help ease this present radical swarm of pain and anguish a little bit, but which instead provided no substance at all. Not even partially.


I'm sorry for what has not happened. I am sorry for the portrait that's been painted. The portrait which has left you saying "is that it?"


But at the same time, it's not an accident what has happened.

You see, I think, God has authored all this.

What He has done (and is attempting to do) in this, I think, is something you won't hear preached in (hardly) any pulpit...in this land, anyway.


Let me backtrack just a little, if you'd allow the courtesy, to talk about this hunch I have.

It's just a guess at something, regarding the confusion about the pain, the circumstances leading up to now, the situation now, why God seems nowhere to be found, and why, because of that, other things are being pursued.

I don't blame you for not wanting to listen.

Most of what everyone has been saying is like that school teacher in the Peanuts comic strip to your ears: MAW WAH WAH WAH WAH, BAH DAH WAH WAH LAH. You know what I'm talking about.

I know it too. That's why it doesn't bother me that you're rolling your eyes right now.

I am sorry that people have said mostly (only?) eye-rolling things.

I'm sorry for the dispassionate words.

I'm sorry for the shallow sentences and hollow tidbits.

I'm sorry for the empty things said while a Glee-Club-grin has been plastered on the face.

I'm sorry for the attempts to inspire you with positive, encouraging, uplifting words and attitudes.

That's not where your heart is, nor where you have been.

The depth of what's going on in your heart makes their cheap ass, echoing consonants & vowels a joke.

You've been wounded for a long time, and that wound has expanded greatly as of late.

I'm sorry for the band-aids people have spewed your way, without so much as looking at you as they rush by.

I am so sorry.


I also want to apologize for what these who know better have also done.

Pretty much without their knowledge (they are oblivious to it even as we speak), they have taken on the attitude and actions of this God-forsaken culture.

Maybe it all began with a song in the mid-80's that stuck:

"Don't worry, be happy!"

This culture and the Church have told you, and are still telling you, to ignore your feelings.

They have told you, and are still telling you, to ignore your heart.

They've ignored, and are still ignoring, your questions.

Ignoring your doubts.

Ignoring your pain.

Ignoring your fears.

All you're good for to them is some rushed pat answers, some PMA rah-rah, and some psycho-babble which pukes its way out of their mouths.

The Church, just like culture, has told you to look within yourself and get through this by being strong, being determined, by deciding to be resilient, to be courageous, to stick it out, to grit it out, to be of good cheer, to pony up, that "when the going gets tough the tough get going", etc.

You know what I'm talking about. You've also heard, like I have, the umpteen million snippets about self-strength and self-reliance. These are the things that culture and the Church say together.

This culture and the Church exist on the same premises.

Sometimes, like above, they both say the same thing.

Other times they use different words to promote the same belief(s).

This culture markets to you that you should be happy. Always. 24/7. If you're not, something's wrong, and your happiness is just a product, a condition, an environment, a situation, a circumstance, some counseling sessions or a prescription medication away.

The Church markets to you that you should be blessed. Always. 24/7. If you're not, somethings' wrong, and your blessing is just a prayer, a Scripture, a financial seed, a church family, an accountable friend, some counseling sessions or a prescription medication away.

The Church is no different from the world. And, therefore, has been as pathetic and damaging as the world toward you.

Actually even worse, because of the idea people in the Church would or should "get it".

I am so sorry.


But there's that one thing more I wanted to say aside from the apology.

That thing that you won't hear being talked about in churches...let me get back to that.


Life has been hard. It's been and is difficult. Has been, and is, painful.

And yet I mentioned while ago that God has authored it.

I know, I know, you've talked to people about what's been going on for quite awhile now, and when you talk about this frustration and the difficulty they have told you things like "the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. This is all the devil's work. You just tell him to go back where he came from and get out of here. He has no claim on you. He can't do this to you. Let's pray against the dark forces in this."

More Peanuts teacher...BLAH WAH DAH WAH WAH.

I know. I am so sorry.

When they say these things, there's something inside that cringes and says "No, that's not it." Something doesn't ring a hundred percent true about it.

I'm sorry for the blind stabs in the dark.

It's kinda like law school dropouts. They have just enough information to be dangerous, in that they know a few terms and concepts to sling around, but really they don't know what the hell they're talking about.

Like I said earlier, I see God authoring this.


Huh?

Well, everyone in Christianity talks about it really fervently once a year.

By the way they talk about it, it's something, though, only for Jesus and not for anyone else.

It's talked about in this "hey, look what the martyr of this religion did. Wasn't that nice of Him? We all get to ride on the coattails of what He did. We're not expected to do the same."

The whole religion, today at least, is built around the nostalgia of talking about what the hero did a long time ago.

It's none about the idea that anyone who becomes a follower of the head cheese is to actually follow in his footsteps.


And that's simply the one thing I want to say.

He does want you to follow in his footsteps.

The guy you decided to follow? He wants you to follow.

Yeah, I know, mind-blowing concept and rocket science here.


You see, all this pain and circumstance that has led you to the brink? All this lament, all this pain, all this frustration, all this depression, all this clamoring, all this unsettledness, all this funk, all this unhappiness?

It's exactly what God has wanted...and has brought about.

When the gunk started, it's my hunch that was just the beginning where He's wanted it to go.

As things have gotten progressively worse over time? Not where He wanted them.

Things gotten really bad? Nope.

Angry and hurting? Not there yet.

Rotten? Getting there.

Pulling your hair out? That's the idea. Getting warmer.

So helpless to the point you can't take it anymore and you wish you would die?

Yes.

What no one is telling you or encouraging you to do, but what God does want and has brought you to in this pain of life, is death.

God wants you to die.

And He has led you to the cliff.


Church doesn't want to talk about this today.

There is largely lip-service and skim-right-past Jesus saying "whoever find his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life (for my sake) will find it". (Matthew 10)

Or, slightly differently said, "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it." (Luke 17)

All this stuff withering down all around you, things out of control and going haywire? It's God.

When you told Jesus "I will follow You", He said "okay".

You meant what you said. He means what He says.

All these Christians who go around saying "well, you know, we're all just imperfect sinners"? They're right.

(The shit-eating grin on their face when they say it is annoying as hell, but the words in and of themself? Yep yep.)

And since we do have things God wants to get out of us (so He can show us a better Way), He's simply brought to a boiling point. He's got those things festered to the surface now so He can get rid of the old.

By death.

But He ain't gonna do it for you. It takes two to tango in this.

Your part takes faith, a word today that is being whored like never before.

Faith is used as a word to obtain possessions, position, recognition, power, money, wealth, status, favor, etc., all in the blessed name of Jesus.

That's not faith.

Faith is stepping off the cliff to die.

Faith is actually, and literally, taking Jesus at his word when he says "if you're going to follow me...if you are going to follow me, you have to step off the cliff."

This entire religion is not about blessing and happiness.

It's about seeing if we'll step off the cliff and die.

God has brought you to the cliff, friend.

And we have to be willing to step off before anything else happens.

The basic premise of this whole thing is we leap toward death without anything to go on except the word of some crazy dude who says if we will step off then he'll do something about it.

All this talk about blessing and abundance and wealth and prosperity?

Pure bullshit.

God and Jesus want you to fling yourself off the cliff to die.

That takes faith. And there's some other stuff going on too.

The world is tugging extremely hard, for you to cure the woes with its fixes, its solutions, its answers, its offerings.

And the Church is telling you there's no way it is God's will that He would want you to lose anything. He wants you full to overflowing, blessed and happy. He wants the best for you...because He loves you.

See what I mean?

There's no mention of death preceding rebirth. No mention of our lives being something we must lose.

All the churches are talking about victory (in Jesus), and how it can be yours, mine, anyone's.

But who's talking about that first requiring that we step off the cliff and abandon what we have known as life?

That's where God has you. At the cliff.

And I'm sorry no one is talking to you about death and abandonment and forsaking all that you know and have known.

No one is talking to you about being helpless. Yet Jesus says "My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

If you want to experience what's of him, he says "step off the cliff".

Lose your life. Give it up. Let go of it.

Abandon it all.

God is not going to push you off the cliff. He's simply brought you to this point.

It's up to you whether you look at all this pain and shit as a blame-God mirage, a woe-is-me party, an excuse to try and rid the pain by absorbing yourself into what the world is offering you, or whether you'll see it for what it is: the idea that we must step off, fall and die, leaning on nothing but the words that upon doing so you'll find something that to this point is an abstract concept.

And that's where the rubber meets the road in this. Jesus is either who he says he is, or he is the biggest liar and snake oil salesman in the history of the world. It's one or the other.

His words about losing life before finding it, THAT is what we are faced with.

If you're going to find out, it's not going to be by doing or following what the Church is telling you is "Christianity".

It's going to be by stepping off the cliff, which is only one of several options, because the world and friends and church are telling you other things besides this.

One more thing I must say honestly. Stepping off the cliff is not a one-time thing.

There will be other steppings off the cliff. None of them fun. None enjoyable. All painful. Wrenching.

I love you.

Your friend